"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Things I Overlooked

  • He criticized from out of the blue when any discussion might lead to him not getting his way.
  • Never complimented me.
  • He often became defensive; when I complimented him he became very uneasy and would reply I was fishing for compliments. He told me I should not need compliments and be more independent and know I am hot on my own.
  • He constantly would find faults with my statements. He asked me a lot about previous relationships. In my opinion, way too much at this point of knowing each other. While I often do not want to speak about past relationships with new men, because they are my past, I did mention something that was said to me from the one and only man I ever found myself in-love with and he put me and that man down and said that he didn't believe that what that man said to me was true. This happened on the first date after sitting with him for less than one hour.



On the third and LAST date, where he invited himself to my home, which I didn't mind, but at the same time found a bit nervy the way he went about creating this date, I did my best, as I always do to look on the positive side of things and behave accordingly. At one point I let myself be comfortable with him as he sat on one end of my tiny couch and I on the other. I lay my legs over his and established some body contact. He took one of my feet in his hands and began to massage it. But then the lame comments started to fly. First he told me how he isn't good at massage and then immediately and with a twinge of annoyance bit at me that "you can massage my foot too you know!"

The shock of that moment...the stun of the comment and the tone. I felt stupid now. Again he was telling me I should have known something that he wanted and let me know just how off I was in knowing.

A repeat of a moment I had on my first date with DTM when we sat on a bench, late at night, kissing deeply, he running his hands in my hair and me enjoying that moment, letting him do so and then BAM! I was admonished for not running my hand over his almost shaved bald head. "Don't you want to touch my head?!?!"

Here's the problem with men who behave this way: you can't always know their motives. According to Authors Aumiller and Goldfarb of How To Know When You Are Dating A Loser, you need to know if the criticisms are to help you, not him. They explain, if you are important to him he will be willing to help you do something that he wishes you would not do at all, he should be able to put his needs before yours, he should be able to accept criticism as well and not get defensive and will also change accordingly as you have been willing to do to make him comfortable in the relationship.

In the case of the Mad Scientist I truly believe he needs someone to blame for his miseries and failures where he doesn't try. And I said THAT to him loud and clear. "You didn't even try. You made assumptions and didn't give me the chance to prove you right or wrong! I was convicted before trial."

I read about this after I made the call last night and so I find a bit of comfort in the confirmation that the Authors agree that I should have "told him point-blank" about his criticism of his past girlfriends, me for not being a mind reader, his put downs when I was being playful and happy as fishing for compliments and doing so knowing he would not change but that I needed to do that out loud "to regain my self-respect."

And he behaved EXACTLY as the Authors stated, "turning around, criticizing me for not handling his criticism well and for being critical of him" And he is a bit of what they call the "Burdended Beast", in that this Mad Scientist doesn't let a relationship have normal disagreements and holds onto problems and arguments trying to make me the cause of his pain.

Here's my problem as I see it written by these Authors, I am witty, cute and UNDERSTANDING. I am too damn understanding! All these things happened and I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt: "men can be nervous at the beginning", "But he was so sweet about...", "He must like me because he asked me out again."

There will always be miscommunication in any relationship. I was taught by more than one expert, that we should test men at the begining by throwing him a speedbump and seeing how he behaves and reacts. I was taught that it isn't the miscommunication that should be the factor but how someone behaves about it that is critical and key. A great example of this is found on Robert's site. Melanie asks him what he is thinking, and he tells her matter of factly that he thinks her idea they are discussing is good and that she has a great ass. Hysterical! I love it! I truly love it. Of course that wasn't what she was really asking, but that was what he was thinking and so he said it.

Unfortunately in my case, the focus would then become about how we miscommunicated rather than how it was handled in the moment...on and on and freaking on! UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH! Where do they grow these men!?

When I left him a voice mail telling him I made a mistake in my schedule and could not keep the day date he planned for us last Saturday but could reschedule for Sunday or the NEXT Saturday night, his reaction was so poor and I felt that crummy feeling you read about in books, in the pit of my stomach. He was so unnerved and confused and upset when he called me back. He told me he didn't understand what I was saying, was I saying I was free that night or was I talking about the next weekend...and he didn't want to reschedule on Sunday, not because of supposed plans with his sister as I was told about previously, but because the forecast was of windy cold weather and he didn't want to be out in it. I can't convey the tone I received but it was of upset and angst and desperation.

I truly truly want to see the good in the men I meet and go out with and it is because of that spirit I wish to carry in me that I avoided all these facts with all of you before and with myself as well. I want to meet someone who will accept me for who I am and what I am, faults and all and I know that to be accepted in that way I must also do the same. And so I let these things go, thinking they would not continue, hoping they would not continue and that this man would soften up and we would start to connect better.

1 comment:

Robert said...

Tip don't over analyze..we men are basically simple creaures (exceptions noted)..we don't analyze little things..and in some cases we usually blurt out what were thinking that second..:))))...

as far as faults go we all have them..nobody expects Miss or Mr. perfect...just look for a good mesh...