"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I Am So Mortified! HELP!

It is 2AM. I am a little drunk. I usually don't drink on dates but well...

We went to Dave and Busters and it wasn't as good as the site made it seem. Many games were not even there to play and well I am just a total spaz anyway! So Jdate bloke says lets go. We spoke about what we should do, if he wanted to continue the date. We agreed to continue. Since we were in Times Square, which I really do not care for at all and it is so expensive and he suggested going to a bar, I innocently, and I want to stress this to all of you INNOCENTLY, suggested we go to my neighborhood in Queens because the bars are much less expensive. I also was thinking, though did not express, that I would be close to home at the end of the night and feel safer and better being there.

Well about a half hour ago our date ended. Started at 7PM. And I have no idea how it became appropriate to come out of my mouth but somehow I was able to say something to the effect that I wasn't going to have sex that night with him. I am honestly telling you all the truth here. It might sound completely stupid and like bullshit to you the reader reading this but this is really my POV and feelings. It wasn't even meant to be mean spirited. We were being playful with each other. He had even kissed me a couple of times sweetly.

Well all of a sudden he became very angry. He said he felt I was backing him into a wall and that he really thought I invited him to "my turf" for sex. And I was shocked! Here is what I think is this sweet innocent guy who is truly the nice good guy I have been begging for and so I had no idea this would be the thought I sent to him by asking if he wanted to go to a bar in my neighborhood and out of Manhattan.

So let me stop here for a minute and just proclaim that I AM THE STUPIDEST WOMAN ON EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I obviously do not think like most people in this respect. I was so innocent in my suggestion.

I was freaked out by his anger. It was such a shock. We both went to pee and came back put our coats on and we left together.

I being a woman wanted to talk about this. He being a man wanted me to drop it. I couldn't of course. I tread as lightly as possible. I started to walk in the direction of my home. Again stupid me thinking innocently that he would walk me home. But he mentioned something about walking to the train. So I turned around and walked him to the subway.

He told me he felt stupid. He was sorry he got so upset but he felt very embarrassed for thinking what he thought. Well there's a shared experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did my best to tell him I really like him. I explained I am not like most women and I really felt bad and that I really had no idea I made that impression at all or I would never have suggested it in the first place. I told him that I think he is so different than most men. He is kind and sweet and doesn't seem to be the kind of guy to try to get over on a woman and into my pants and he is so brilliant and I really like that and I don't want this to be just a sexual relationship, that I am looking for something different and that I really like him and that I don't want to do that with him so soon because I like him and I am sorry sorry sorry for being so stupid ... I had no idea.

He told ME that I should know he is not a forward type of guy and that if we are to continue to see each other I am going to have to be very clear when I am ready because I am confusing to him. He said that my straight tone and sarcastic tone are too similar and hard to decipher.

I guess that is called dry humor???

I have never been told that before. I guess there is alway a first.

What I did realize is that I really have and had no idea the signals I have been putting off and that is probably why I have met certain types of men and then been so pissed.

But I also don't think this is totally me either. Look, not to be snotty or conceited but I do realize that I am attractive to men. I also know that I enjoy being playful and flirty. But I don't think that means I bear the responsibility of this suppposed invite to fuck the shit out of me on a second date from him or any other guy! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK I am tired and really upset. So I am going to end this post here.

I will tell you that he gave me a kiss goodnight. We talked about another date on Friday night. When he gave me a peck I did say, "That's all I get?" And he said I had to tell him what I wanted because he was confused! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just told him to come here. And I kissed him. A nice long yummy kiss that I had desired the entire night!

I really need your comments. I only ask that if you need to be brutally honest you remember I am already emotionally bruised here.


Barbara said...

Don't be mortified....I will get back to you as soon as I have some coffee in me and time to process this more.

Anonymous said...

Well if you ask me (and I know you did not), I don't think you should have told him that you don't want to have sex with him that night. I think it would have been better to just keep the whole mystery going.

Despite the drama, you did have a six hour date - and that's not a bad thing ;o) Good luck!