"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Thursday, January 17, 2008

I Hate Games BUT...

Alright, I got asked for a second date with this last Jdate fellow. But here's the situation. He let me know at dinner, before asking me for the date that he had dinner plans with his sister this Saturday night. He let me know how busy his entire weekend was.

And to be honest I never had a guy want to go out with me again who also didn't want the date to end. This guy was checking the train schedule before leaving our date, he never mentioned that he had other trains he could catch to get back to the city etc...And you should know that getting on the LIRR from where I live gets you back to Manhattan in 15 minutes. And since he lives in a building in Jersey City that has a Path train stop that means another 10 minutes tops to get home from that point.

Now, I have learned over the years not to take this kind of stuff personally. He could have all kinds of personal reasons for all of this that has nothing to do with me. He might have been nervous. He might have had strange emotionally hurtful experiences with women in the past when he tried to extend the time of dates. Who knows?

What I do know is that this left me feeling like I had been given many mixed signals. And I am not crazy about that feeling.

As we stood on the platform waiting for his train we discussed getting together over the weekend. He asked me what I might like to do. I tried to be open but he seemed to need me to make some pitch. So I told him how I wanted to learn how to play the Wii. Silly me, I had no idea this is only a home game. I figured they must have these at bars or something like it and we could go have fun. WELL, he let me know it is a home-based system and not really a second date kind of thing. I felt so stupid! But I tried not to let that show. So I mentioned the video guitar game that everyone (including Barbara) has been raving about. Now I know that there are bars that have them. I saw a segment on the news about how this is a big thing to do in NYC and the boroughs. He seemed excited and talked about this game a little. The train came. We were at least 2 ft apart so I figured I was getting a handshake or hug but he did come in for the kiss on the lips. Soft, sweet, appropriate and nice.

I did get an email that night telling me how he got home ok and would email me later about weekend plans. However, the night went on and nothing.

So then my cell phone rings and it is him. He explained how he is having email problems so he decided to call. (AH, so I am thinking only because email is down you are calling me??? This is not how I want to have a relationship start!) I told him ok and how was he and all the niceties.

So what ends up being his suggestion? ps1.org A museum. UGH! I am not really a museum person. I didn't make any hint at wanting that. Why did he even ask me if he wasn't going to LISTEN to my clues as to what I might like on a second date???

Maybe he tried to find something and couldn't. Again, who knows? But I think I made my desire for an ACTIVITY date clear. But maybe this is a difference between men and women. I am willing to bet that the female readers will completely deduce this and the men will have a different thought altogether. Am I right????

So I could not say no. It wouldn't be polite and it would make him feel badly. So I did the right thing and said, "I am sure anything you choose will be fine. It isn't the activity it is the company." But inside I am groaning loudly. I am smart! I am smart! I am smart! BUT I am not an intellectual and I have no desire to be one. I am a simple woman. I am a feeling person. I don't want to sit and stare at some bizarre art exibit of street railings in a pile and determine what the artist was trying to say!!!!

Please don't get me wrong. I love art. I own that beautiful painting you saw in my video. It is painted by Candace Craw-Goldman and she is amazing. I love having things in my home that give me certain feelings when I look at them. What I don't like is analyzing why they make me feel good. So off that tangent...

I took Darrin's perfect advice and asked this guy about some of the pod casts he mentioned and where I could find them...could I listen on the computer without having an iPod. He said yes and we talked a lot about this. He walked me through iTunes and nagivated me around the screen and it was fun. We laughed a little and the conversation was really nice. It felt like two friends talking. And I realy liked it.

We then spoke about the time on Saturday. He told me how he has a doctor appointment in the morning and wasn't sure when he would be done. ONE RED FLAG. (This reminded me of DTM. Amongst the many crummy things he did to me, he would always let me know how busy he was and squeeze me in and I hated that feeling that are time was limited.)

We discussed meeting around 1PM. But then I remembered how this fellow told me he had some dinner plans with his sister on Saturday night. RED FLAG NUMBER TWO. So I said,"Are you still going to talk to your sister?" Now guys, DUH, this doesn't mean are you going to chat with her, this is a polite way of asking are you going to let her know you have plans with me now. This guys says, "Yes I am going to keep my call with her tomorrow night." So I am forced to say something like, "Are you meeting with her for dinner on Saturday?" And he tells me yes. So I felt sucker punched. I just replied, "Oh."

So I said, "Let me let you go. Hope you can get some sleep tonight." He told me he would call me Saturday to let me know how his time was moving. UH OK? It's Wednesday night and you have no desire to email or speak to me between. You are going to dinner with your Sister on Saturday night and want to squeeze me in for what, maybe three hours in between and when we had our date you were itching for the train schedule rather than looking for a later train to catch, you wanted to know the next train.

This could all be because he is insecure and nothing more. But I just don't like it.

So, this morning when I woke up I had this feeling and I realized this wasn't sitting well with me. I am not the girl that is ready when you are available. I deserve better than this. While he is nice and seems smart and kind, this situation is making me feel too much of a repeat of DTM. So knowing he is at work and that he doesn't like to use the cell phone, I called his home number and left a message.

I said, "I realized I made a mistake with my schedule and didn't write an appointment in my online calendar and that my Saturday was not available. Would you like to reschedule for Sunday or next Saturday NIGHT? You can call me at home at X or on my cell. I know you need to talk to your sister tonight but if you want to call me after or later on in the week that is fine too. Just let me know."

And I left it like that. If he calls he calls. If he gives up, well then guess what....@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!???


Perplexio said...

Men don't think that much, we just act. We don't analyze, we just do. So after a date is over, keep it simple-- ask yourself, "Did I get an overall good or bad feeling about this guy?" If you got an overall good feeling, then maybe it's worth a 2nd date (that is, if he's also interested in further pursuing things). If you got an overall bad feeling, cut your losses move on.

If he's on the level about his call to his sister this weekend, that tells me he's a family-oriented guy. Family is important to him. And if he'd had the plans to call his sister PRIOR to planning a date with you his obligations are first to her.

I doubt he expects you to schedule around him. I think it's just a matter of him honoring his commitments in the order he made them. He likely sees it as he's making time for you on an otherwise busy night.

So where you may see it as him trying to "fit you in" as an afterthought. He may very likely see it as, "making time for someone special on a busy night because she's worth making time for."

It's all a matter of perspective. I hope that helps.

Lauren said...

Darrin, First YES YES YES it absolutely helps! Second, kudos to you for actually reading my very long post. :-) However, I already left the vm. So now I have to let the chips fall where they may. I am not going to speak for another person, but the feedback I got via email from a female friend was similar to the way I thought about this situation. I think it is funny just how different men and women think about this stuff.

About how I feel about his person. The truth is I am stuck in the middle. I don't feel negative or positive.

I'll let you know what happens if anything, after tonight or tomorrow when I hope to hear back from him. Since I did tell him I had an appointment that I had accidentally not put in my online calendar, there isn't much he can do to be pissed unless he wants to call me a liar, which wouldn't be a good thing for him or us.

Thanks again for your thoughts and good advice!!!!

Perplexio said...

I don't think the bloke is playing games. But I'm also an optimist (and my wife would argue also that I'm far too trusting of others). I think he's just a bit family-oriented. I think that's a positive. If he's the type of guy to set aside a specific time to call his sister-- he's also the type of guy to set aside specific times for other family members... Including-- eventually a wife and possibly children.

Family comes first, and in a potential mate-- shouldn't that be considered a positive?

Just some more food for thought.

Lauren said...

Darrin, I don't think HE is playing games. I am admitting that I am the one playing games this time, calling and cancelling because of my scheduling goof.

Here's another thought I had about him picking Saturday. He knew he had a dinner with his sister. Why not pick another day that you have more time or ask me for next weekend? This guy is a good communicator, or so he seems. He can really carry an interesting conversation, no complaints there. So why wouldn't he just say, I really would like to see you again, my weekend is so busy but I don't want to wait to see you, would Saturday be ok? But he doesn't do that. He let's me know at the first date how busy he is, even with phone calls from friends taking up so much of his time. Then when he arranges another date he picks Saturday? It just seems kind of lame to me. I could be COMPLETELY WRONG. But I think either he isn't really into this and is doing it for the sport of it or he doesn't plan well. The only thing I can do at this point is wait for him to call me back to see if he wants to reschedule or if he just says, this bitch ain't worth this crap. :-)