"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Logic Vs Emotion

Well folks I think the Mad Scientist is toast. I believe that if he doesn't decide to bail, I will be forced to. Yes, he is a nice person.

But after a phone conversation last night, where I listened to the way he thinks about the situation, and where he was still trying to somehow impose upon me some responsibility for his huge leap in believing I invited him for sex, simply because I suggested we head back to my neighborhood rather than stay in Times Square, I am realizing that this man doesn't posses the skill of understanding the thoughts and feelings of others. He is completely preoccupied with his own conclusions.

And now that I have had time to think about some other parts of the evening and conversations we had and reactions that were pretty damn poor I am seeing a clear pattern. He is a nice guy. He isn't malicous. He is just too damn logical for me.

Sure, logically he lives on one side of Manhattan and I on the other so meeting in the middle to date seems logical right? WRONG! I am not a robot. I am a woman. If you do not already realize this about women, we are looking for the guy who is willing to chase after us, do as much for us, show us that he will go all out. We are not looking for the guy who will do the least. And if coming to where I live is just too much of a problem for you, which takes you a HALF hour further, not even to pick me up, but only to make sure I get home ok, what will you be like later on, when things get deeper? Let's take that big mental leap and say what will you be like when we have kids. I will be just as tired as you all day but you will logic me to death why I should be the one to clean up after them, and pick them up etc.. etc...this is just not how it is supposed to be!!!

And I am realizing that in all our comunications from the start not once did he ever ask me what would make me comfortable or what I might want to do or what might be best for me. NEVER, not once in an email, a call, or in person. I on the other hand have made comments to him on many occassions about his comfort level, what works for him etc...BUT I have also had to tell him I am not comfortable or need something else. And that is where there are ALREADY problems. Maybe I am wrong, but this is how I perceive our situation and how it makes me feel.

Getting back to having time to think about other things that happened that night, when we were at the bar on Saturday, before the bull happened regarding his belief he was invited TO A BAR in my neighborhood for sex with me, he was telling me about a woman he dated for 4 years. He told me she had problems, he winced (which he does a lot by the way) and then he told me he is not with her because the truth is she has emotional problems.

What would you conclude upon hearing that ???

I asked him, innocently and I believe appropriately, "So does that mean you won't be with a woman who has health issues?" Now remember I am hearing that he was with her for 4 years. That is a long time to be with someone and he made it seem like he was with her and then he realized after all that time she had these emotional health issues and left. That is just how it sounded the way he communicated.

He got really annoyed. He only then told me that she was the one who would not commit, not he, due to the emotional issues she had.

How I would have known that from what he said? And why didn't he just say that to me in the first place?

He was really pissed.

What's worse is that I heard myself, MYSELF apologizing. I said "I admit I made a conclusion based on gender stereotypes"

OH NO I DID NOT! But I said it. And now I am kicking myself in the ass for doing that. He was extemely not clear at all and then angry with me when I ASKED him about it. I asked him. Isn't that what you are supposed to do when you are trying to have a relationship with someone, ASK? Aren't you supposed to NOT brush things off but work on communication and ask? Aren't we supposed to be able to miscommunicate and ASK each other to clarify? And aren't we supposed to be able to disagree and still be treated with respect???????????????

He jumped to a very big and bad conclusion about being offered sex and when I had no choice but to say otherwise, what happened? He got extremly angry. He admitted on our call his reactions was over the top and wrong, but still he is saying to me, "come on you didn't hear how you sounded or came off and need to be responsible for how I would think that."

UM NO! You see Mad Scientist, when you grow the hell up, you don't assume these things, you ASK...which is what I did when I wasn't sure what you were saying and needed to understand this about your story. See, when you ASK you get clarification, not misunderstandings and then you cannot BLAME anyone for your embarrasment for YOUR conclusions which YOU made on your own.

He is book smart brilliant! He is people STUPID! He keeps bringing up the relationship of one of his two friends. I don't care what happens with them. And I had to tell him that, although softer. He is emotionally immature and doesn't understand what it takes to be in a real relationship. It is evident from the story and question he told me about this couple who have been together for quite some time.

I believe he is looking for the woman who will do as much for him as possible. Well, sorry Charlie but men are the ones that are supposed to show us they will do as much for us as possible and they need to show us from the start just how much they will do not the other way around.

What kind of nonsense is this that we should meet half way between us and leave alone, early because he is 41 and tired, when he is trying to date me. Not once did he ask me what I needed or wanted as far as that went. He did ask if I wanted to go to the location he picked, but not the time frame or what worked for me in that regard.

He just doesn't get it.

So on this call last night he continues to talk about the next weekend already with me. You'd think that was a good sign and I did too.

But then when you look deeper this is what you hear: I am going to see my parents that weekend, so I could stop by on my way and we could see each other during the day and then I can leave and go to my parents for the rest of the weekend. Ok sounds innocent enough. But wait a second...I am a convenience so why not come by and spend time with me?

Sure makes sense, but that is not how a woman is supposed to be for a man, a convenience.

Here's what he doesn't seem to get, FEELINGS, HOW he makes someone feel. He is thinking too logically. WAY TOO logically for me.

And well he is a scientist. That is how his brain works. He can't possibly understand why I couldn't understand how all this makes sense...meeting geographically in the middle and him needing to go home at a certain hour because he is tired, because it is LOGICAL.

Relatationships aren't logical. They are about emotions, how you make the other feel. So couple that with his very bad temper when you ask normal follow-up questions when he communicates his stories to you and you possibly do not come to the conclusion he wants you to and it seems like a recipe for disaster. This makes me sad. I don't want to break this off with him already, but sadly I think I have no choice.


Perplexio said...

I agree with much of what you're saying but I did want to respond to one bit in particular:

men are the ones that are supposed to show us they will do as much for us as possible and they need to show us from the start just how much they will do not the other way around.

I disagree somewhat (although, not completely)-- relationships are about give and take on the part of both the man and the woman. A good relationship has a foundation in friendship and in teamwork. Both parties have to give a little from time to time.

That being said, this bloke's expectations of what he should "get" from you are not at all in proportion to the amount of himself he was willing to "give" to you. The more you share about this guy, the more I agree-- he's not the right one for you.

You deserve someone who will treat you right, whom your comfortable with, who understands you. This guy doesn't fit the bill at all.

Lauren said...

Darrin, You are 100% correct. Relationships are about give and take on both parts. I didn't mean to imply otherwise.

A very wise older woman I once knew (she was 71 at the time) told me that men have to love us more than we love them because they just do not have the capacity to change like we do.

I meant my comment more in that spirit.

It's funny because I was explained as best I could to the Mad Scientist on our call last night, that had he just gone out of his way to walk me home, he could have had an aero bed to sleep on and I probably would have driven him home...and pointed out that he doesn't realize that if he gives a little without bitching, he would get so much more in return.

I guess I just need to find the person who is willing to give as much as he claims he is looking for. I know I always do!

How'd ya get so darn smart Darrin!!??