"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Jumping On The Fat Wagon

This story for me story started over at DrowseyMonkey and continued on at Barbara's site Writing From The Inside Out and now I feel compelled to write about this topic.

You can't see me while I am writing this, but I am laughing at myself as I write this because I am eating a hostess cupcake. YUM!

I'm taking this link provided by Barbara on her site (thank you for finding it!) and leaving it here for you to watch. Of course I am going to put my own relationship spin on this story...that is what I do here on my blog.
Before I begin I want to share a photo of myself at one of my fatter stages. I don't have too many photos of me then for obvious reasons.

This is me with my grandmother. I am not sure what my age is here but I am almost positive it was when I was battling an illness that had one of the side-effects of a 30lb weight gain on a five foot frame.

Here I am today.--->

I watched the video and I loved the presenter! I loved her points. But I especially LOVE how she addressed near the end of the seven minute clip, the issues of personality, kindess etc...that are often not dealt with for many fat people about themselves. My recent experience with a formerly fat fellow left me flattened by his lack of character. After seeing a photo he posted on himself about 1 year before I met him, where he was obese and then reading these posted remarks from him after I broke up with him "Romantically, one of the benefits of my new fitter body and healthier state has been a significant impact on my dating life, yet my focus has always been on the quantity and not the quality of relationships" I can't help but wish I had the opportunity to send this clip to him. Sadly I feel the message would be lost by that recipient anyway...

Some formerly fat people after dropping the weight revel in their new found "popularity" and turn around and behave in horrendous ways towards others, as he did to me and about 3 other women in the past year. As the presenter mentions, often the fat person was picked on and made to feel unworthy but sometimes and often the fatness is used as excuse for why we think others don't like us or look at us in a funny way..."it couldn't simply be the mood we are presenting or the shirt we are wearing."(paraphrasing her)

When he dropped the weight he found or felt he was more attractive to the opposite sex, and this gave him the confidence to go for women he previously felt he could not have approached. But he also forgot to be a decent human being and treated each one of us as an item, a thing to be picked up and easily disgarded, hence his blog post about six weeks before I met him titled "thoughts on being an asshole" where he tells his woes about being told twice within a 3 week period by two separate women, in public, screaming at him what an asshole he is. He of course couldn't accept the wound to his personality and ego and his post was filled with defensive and obnoxious thoughts.

He simply forgot that just being thinner didn't give him a license to be an asshole! He just felt that was how thin people treated him and now he could get away with it. I guess he thought it was some sort of passport to assholedom or something.

When I ended the "relationship" I calmly told him how badly he treated me, ticking down a list in my head and letting the honest thoughts and my truth come forward. I wasn't simply going to scream at him and call him names.

I have no idea if he will be able to make the changes needed but clearly what I said had a strong impact because he said on that same blog post,"I'm clearly not ready to make room for someone in my life just yet."

So directly to him I say, "Yes yes, I agree. There is a lot more to drop than the excessive weight. That was the easy part! Now the very hard work begins! I would have much rather have met you as a wonderful obese person than the thin crummy person you were to me. The only man I ever truly loved up to this point in my life looked like Shrek. He was heavy when I met him and got even heavier as we dated and I loved him with more intensity than I ever knew I had in me."

I love how my friend over at The Drowsey Monkey accepts herself regardless of her weight. Whether or not she gains or loses pounds, she is who she is and treats others with respect. What a woman!


Perplexio said...

Unfortunately, it seems, some people don't know how to handle the mental/emotional repercussions of substantial weight loss (the ex you speak of being case in point).

Barbara said...

EXCELLENT post, Lauren! I hope your ex learns from his experience with you...it takes a maturity to actually learn from mistakes and want to grow and it takes humility to admit you need to change in the first place.

I am working hard at both getting my body healthier - but even more so AT ACCEPTING THE BODY I HAVE. I am very inspired by Drowsey Monkey too!

Lauren said...

Thanks Darrin and Barbara! Excellent points. Can't think of anything better to add to your perfectly written thoughts! :-)