"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

A Date Or A Job Interview?

OK a new Jdate guy has begun communicating with me via email and the annoying questions have begun. Sometimes doing this online dating stuff is like living in that movie Ground Hogs Day. Same stupid questions over and over. But what is standing out to me even more is that the questions resemble more of a job interview than two people trying to get to know one another.

It makes me wonder, are we that dull and inept that we no longer know how to ask interesting and important questions when we meet someone we find attractive and want to get to know them more?

Honestly, I am tired of being asked:

Where did you grow up?
Do you have brothers and sisters? How Many?
Are your parents married?
What do you do for a living? How did you get into that?

And then there's the emails that are full of comments like this one:

What did you do this weekend? I watched the Giants game.

What do these men expect to hear from women when they say that. Most women couldn't give a rats ass about sports. We don't care that you watched the game and it gives us nothing to reply to.

As far as the "interview" questions...please tell me what that really has to do with knowing me or me knowing you at all. As far as I am concerned it doesn't tell me anything. Maybe the "are your parents married" might give me a slight clue into your personality and character but only slightly.

I swear I long for the days where you saw a nice looking person or they saw you and you just started talking to them about whatever it is the two of you were doing at the moment and you found some silly things in common and you built upon that. Maybe you went to a movie, or a concert or the boardwalk and played the games. It was about sharing silly little life moments and enjoying each others company. You found out about the other person's family by spending time with them and being invited over for supper or a BBQ.

I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! But what I do know is that this way seems incredibly stupid and frustrating and down-right annoying?

I am finally going to meet with the Jdate guy I have been waiting to meet all weekend. He is not the email offender I wrote about today.

Perhaps you can all help me with some proper and fun questions that will get us talking and enjoying each others company tonight on my date???


Barbara said...

Here are my thoughts…I know the list of questions you mentioned well, I have been asked or asked some of those myself. I think of it as breaking they eyes with relatively non-threatening and “easy” questions that hopefully lead into a deeper conversation. I don’t like it either, but it always seems to fall back to those “interview” questions.

I miss the old days too. When every time I left the house it was an opportunity to meet someone new. I lived in a beach town and there were always people around everywhere. Now I can go days or weeks without running into anyone NEW and years without running into anyone that may be a potential date.
As for good questions – I had a book once that had 100’s of questions to ask on a date but I can’t find it. It was really fun stuff. I will dig around more tonight, but am pretty sure I no longer have it 

Lauren said...

I hope you find that book. AND I hope you find it fast. Remember I am an East coast girl, three hours ahead! :-) If you think of any good questions before you go home to dig, by g-d PLEASE let me know!

Perplexio said...

Just to give a different perspective... Guys have a clock too, it's not tied to their biological ability to have children so much as their desire to actually enjoy fatherhood and be there for their children. Some guys don't think about this or worry themselves with whether or not they'll be good dads... But the ones that do-- if they're in their mid-30s and still haven't married and started a family the pressure is on. They want their kids to remember them in their primes and if they don't settle down and start that family soon then that won't happen.

So this job interview approach to dating sounds like the guy has some sense of urgency... He just wants to cut to the chase, see how compatible you are and whether or not you're marriage material (and he may not even be conscious of the fact he's doing this). If not, he doesn't want to "waste" his time with you, he wants to move on and find someone with the same goals and a similar sense of urgency on the child-rearing front. Generally, the guys who do realize this know that the clock is ticking for the ladies... So it's a whole "time's a wastin'! Let's cut to the chase... You seem cool, I'm cool, let's get married and start that family! Chop Chop!" mentality.

I'm not saying this approach is right or wrong, I'm just saying that I can understand where some guys might take that approach and why they might. I hope that helps!

Lauren said...

Darrin, Thanks! I completely understand this. And I want a family and kids and at 36 I know my clock is tickin' away fast. BUT for me the things that will bring me together with another aren't those typical job interview questions. I personally don't see how they are relevant at all. The person I want to pair up with will be able to share likes and dislikes freely, know how to have a free-flowing conversation about the mundane to the heady topics too. Perhaps I am a tad bit unconventional and other women don't care about these job interview type questions. For me I just hate them. I see no relevance whatsoever. I think you can tell more about a person by provoking them slightly. How do they react? I dont' mean being a bitch or being mean. I mean throwing them for a loop and seeing how they behave. How is someone when they play a game? Not so much what games they like to play. The other questions seem like "good on paper" type crap to me. I want to pair up with the man that makes me laugh ESPECIALLY when I feel like crying. Does that make sense?

So what the heck should we talk about tonight?

Perplexio said...

We recently got this book in at work that may be of interest to you: Why Hasn't He Called: What Men Really Think and How to get the Right One Interested in You.

It may provide further insights into the way we gents are wired. Also, if you haven't already-- watch High Fidelity which is easily the most honest (from a male perspective) romantic comedy I've EVER seen.

As for questions, ask about favorite movies, actors, actresses to get the ball rolling. Finding common interest in movies is a bit easier than trying to find common interest in books or movies. There's more of a shared/common experience when it comes to movies than there is with books or music. Another possible question to get conversation rolling, "What was your favorite required reading in high school?" (of all the books that were REQUIRED in the cirriculum, which did he enjoy the most and why). Generally experiences in school are common enough that you'll find some common ground for conversation to branch out into other areas...

Either way, I hope your date goes well. :-)

Lauren said...

Those are great ideas! Thanks!!! I did see High Fidelity when it came out and parts again on TV. Seems to me that it is the male version of women freaking out about their age and time;-) We all share those fears. Where are the ones that know how to move past that...with me? Sigh.
I will check out that book.