"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Monday, March 31, 2008

Monday's Million Dollar Question

I am eager to hear alternate beliefs and opinions today. It's time to broaden the horizons and open my mind.

What is the one thing you wish you could change about the opposite sex?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

My Olivia

For the past few days I have watched my almost 17 year-old baby girl, Olivia stop eating and get very weak. At first I thought she was just being picky about her food. Today I rushed her to the Vet and found out she is suffering from kidney failure.

I had tests run and IV fluids, B vitamin shots, antibiotics and an X-ray given to her. She is home with me now and rather listless. She can barely walk, but wants to. She refuses to eat. The Vet said it could take a few days for her to start eating again.

I will be giving her IV fluids each day and praying she will find the will to fight and live. Her X-rays didn't show too much damage but her temperature was below normal and her outward signs are not good.

I am not sure where this leaves me as far as a social life for a while. But I will try to keep up with something interesting to tell you during the week.

Whether you are a pet person or not, I hope you will send your prayers and good wishes for Olivia. I am not sure where her journey is going to lead. I do know that I am not going to let her linger and suffer. I promised her that I would do better than I did when her sister Emily got sick. Emily past away last January after 6 weeks of fighting for her life. She was 15 years old.

Those who have never had a pet won't understand my grief right now. That's ok with me. This is my child as far as I am concerned and watching her in this condition is very hard for me. But I hold out hope for now.

Thank you in advance for your prayers and thoughts.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I've Hit My WTF Moment In Dating

I've had a very interesting week. I went to many social events and spoke with some friends. I've even had to let some go as well. A very smart woman I know reminded me that sometimes some people are meant to come into our lives for a short period of time to impart some lesson or wisdom on us and others are meant for our entire lives. She told me that some people will travel in and out and those that we can pick up right where we left off after being out of touch for a while are our true friends. Smart woman.

In many of the moments I spent conversing with friends as well as the social event I went to Monday night I got some interesting insight into the male mind. And it really made me hit a WTF moment. I simply don't understand how something as important as sex can and should be something men expect after 3-5 dates and yet other topics that would involve activities that are much less serious, like going to a sporting event that might not be your favorite team, with a date or a friend requires such contemplation and cost benefit analysis. It truely boggles my mind!

And I learned that when I go out and mingle young guys hit on me left and right but when I hide behind my computer using Jdate, and I am forced to list my age, only the old men want to get to know me.

Another wise woman I know told me to get my ass out of the house and stop using online sources. She hasn't been the only one. I have a good friend who does not blog, that has been telling me the same thing. She and her fiance keep saying to get away from the computer.

Well I took all of their advice. It wasn't easy. Doing something new is never an easy feeling. But I did it. I went out. I joined a slew of meetup.com groups and I just walked in, knowing zero people. I had a blast. The people were all fun and friendly and I am glad that I listened to these very wise people who obviously care about me enough to say what I didn't want to hear at the moment.

Before my dinner event last night I had time to kill. Upon the advice of one of the friends I mentioned above, I walked into a bar on 52nd Street and Third Avenue, just around the corner from where the crane accident was the other week, and sat my big ole ass on a bar stool. I watched the damn television by myself for almost an hour. I thought what the heck was she telling me to do this by myself for. And then about 15 minutes before I needed to leave, three nice looking guys come in and ask to sit next to me. One goes to the bathroom, and when he comes back he turns his frickin' chair into the other two and faces his back to me. I thought WTF (there it is again. :-) But I caught that fella looking at me in the mirror directly across. FINALLY he turns and apologizes for giving me his back.

Well, we started chatting it up. Turns out he is adorable, Jewish, has a good job and we like to do a lot of the same things. I told him I had to meet friends and he asked me if I would stay. Of course I could not. I gave him my card and mentioned possibly having time for him next weekend if he calls. I explained I don't call men. :-) He gave me his card as well. He didn't ask me my age, but I know his. 29! He had a cute smile and adorable energy. I do hope he calls.

Friday, March 28, 2008

In Too Deep Sometimes

This blog has always been my place to share as much as I feel I can online about my personal dating life. I have made some awesome online friends through doing this. If it hasn't been evident by many of my posts...the past few months have been pretty darn tough for me. I have been seeking answers to my 'mistakes' and posting my journey, good bad or ugly right here.

I am aware that for whatever reason, I am a very deep person. The friendships I choose often turn into very deep ones quickly and I share a lot of my deep dark ugly fears and thoughts with those people, seeking help from them, in hopes that they will be able to show me a way out of my sadness or anger from my experiences.

This is not to say I am not a happy person, because often I am. But in truth, most of us need our friends in our deepest darkest moments not the happy ones.

When it comes to men and dating I confess I am extremely confused. Things are not as they used to be when I was younger. When I was MUCH younger I used to meet nice men. Obviously the relationships didn't work out for one reason or another. We parted ways and that was that. For a short period of time in my adult life I ended up in rather abusive situations with men and those relationships I ended of course. Some of those were physical and others were emotionally abusive. I never acted out from those situations.

There have only been two men in my life that have hurt me so badly that my emotions have completely spilled over...and that I have thought about after the break up. One I loved deeply and for which it took me years to recover from the break up and one was more recently whom I have written about here. Both relationships and endings have made me question myself on a daily basis, my wrongs, rights, thoughts, actions, steps, misteps etc...and it is a bit of a torture to be honest.

I am not always proud of my thoughts or actions. Sometimes I have purposely said things to hurt the other person back. I regret those moments deeply. I regret my hurt and anger and my lack of control in those moments.

I am so unsure of myself and often do not believe in myself enough to make good choices. This might sound stupid to some of you. The truth is that there is no way to know if a choice will bring a good or bad outcome, but I have been so dedicated to the idea that if I seek advice from my friends before I do anything or say anything I can avoid any bad action or outcome that I have probably taxed the shit out of many of you. So if you are one of those people reading this today please know in my heart I am deeply sorry and regretful if that is where our friendship is.

It's hard living in my head. It's very hard! But I am working on things.

I saw this article (below) online today and thought it was appropriate to share with my posted topic today.

I'd like to believe I am still redeemable.

This following part of this post is from the following site.

By Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski

What the kosher laws tell us about how to treat 'lost causes'
“This is what you shall not eat . . . the camel . . . but its hoof is not split . . . the hyrax . . . its hoof will not split . . . the hare . . . its hoof was not split.” — Lev. 11:4-6

This portion of the Torah enumerates the kosher and non-kosher animals. In the English-language translation of the Hebrew Bible, all of the three above verses are translated as ''its hoof is not split.'' However, in the Hebrew, three tenses are used: ''is not split, will not split, was not split.'' This cannot be without significance.

Although the Torah is speaking about the non-kosher animals which we must reject, there is a message for us regarding our relationship with people, said Rabbi Yisroel of Salant.
We can reject something only if there is no hope whatsoever of any redemption. As objectionable as a person's present behavior may be, if he had a respectable heritage, i.e., family roots of decent people, we should realize that he undoubtedly has a nucleus of fine character traits within him, which can be unearthed and nurtured.

Even if one lacks such a heritage, there is always the possibility that one may change in the future. There are countless instances of people who have made major lifestyle changes, even late in their lives. Rejection can be justified only if there is no redeeming feature either in the past, present or future.

Since such criteria can never be met, there are no grounds for ever rejecting anyone.
There are times, or course, when a person's improper behavior warrants a modicum of rejection, but even then the rejection should not be absolute. The Talmud is critical even of the prophet Elisha for totally rejecting his errant servant, Gehazi. If distancing someone is called for, ''One should always push aside with the left (i.e., weaker) hand and attract with the right (i.e., stronger) hand'' (Sotah 16a).

The force of attraction should exceed the force of rejection.

Rabbi Yisroel of Salant was the father of the Mussar movement, which calls for highly ethical behavior. Yet he states that although we must denounce improper behavior, we should always look for redeeming features that will enable us to salvage even the most sinful person.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Being More Social

I have had a very social week. I made this promise to myself and I have begun fulfilling it.

Monday night I went to an event through a meetup.com group which had the topic "Understanding the Opposite Sex". It was a free event held at a wine bar around the corner from where I had my first apartment in Manhattan almost 17 years ago.

There must have been 100 people in attendance. It was a decent male/female ratio. It was eye opening. The things I learned that people do...OMG. The things I learned I should not have done, mainly with DTM...which showed insecurity etc... I sort of figured out those things aftewards but during was oh so confusing. But I digress.

Did you know that men think women (and women admitted to this) go out with them and then call their male friends for a romp instead of doing the nasty with the men they are dating? Some man stood up and asked this question with such frustration...why do women do this? As in why won't you sleep with me...I know you are doing this?

I thought to myself, WTF is he talking about. I have NEVER done this. I didn't know people did that, men or women. Well, I guess after DTM I knew it. I woke up to what is really happening. But well....

I learned a lot that night. I do have a better understanding of men.

I am learning how to flirt face to face again. I am learning how to converse and be more social and light. I have hid from this for some time now. I have felt very unskilled for so long. But I am getting out there. And surprisingly I am doing well.

Last night I went to a karaoke event. It was close to where I was going to be and I do like to sing as you all know well. The group was fun. I met some nice people and decided to test out some new skills and just walk up to men. I learned on Monday night how to show with body language that I was open. I hadn't realized that holding a glass of wine in front of you shows you are closed off. I always felt more comfortable with something in my hands. This time I made sure my drink was not in front of me.

I met a very funny and flamboyant gay man. As if I didn't know he was, he let me know. It was hysterical. He told me I should scan the room and tell him who I wanted to meet and he would lure him over to me. He also told me that I should already know I am "all that" and that I should be able to get anything I wanted from a man because of how I look.

I almost pissed on the floor hearing him say this to me!

I gave him my card so he could let me know about more events to invite me to but I decided to try my skills alone without his help that night.

I started a conversation with a young man and apparently he liked me. HA! I did give him my number although I have a little bit of regret about it. He seemed just a tad bit overeager which I wasn't too happy about, but didn't realize until after I handed him my number.

What I thought was hysterical about this was that he is 10 years my junior. He did ask me my age and I scoffed at him, " A lady never tells her age." He guessed 28-29. I'll take it!

It's good for my ego. It's a good exercise for me to test how to approach and what to say or not and what works, or seems to work and what does not. At the very least I make a new friend. Who knows...one of these guys could lead me to the one who is right for me.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Good Friends

This post is for those two great guy friends of mine who sheparded me through a rough day recently. We all have them. Those days where for whatever reason, this time I will blame mine on hormones fluxuating, we just feel completely down, lost, sad, and regretful. It is in those moments when we could turn and run, run and hide, or act out, except for our good friends who protect us from ourselves and in some way, either literally or figuratively, hold our hands for as long as we need until the feelings and moments pass and we return to our more whole self.

Thank you for holding my hand and wiping away my tears.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Have You Ever?

There's an email circulating about a man who had his fiance followed and found out she was having an affair with his best man. The story goes on to say that he marries her and then at the reception has every guest view the photos taped under their chairs. He then has the marriage annulled. I don't know if this story is true. What I do know is that the feelings they bring up are real and probably have been felt by just about everyone of us.

Have you ever dated someone who hurt you so badly that you purposely did something mean and nasty, possibly something that crossed the line, to them to exact revenge/hurt them back?

If so what? And were you able to ever patch things up with that person again?

Monday, March 24, 2008

Update On Phone Call Post

To continue with the story of the phone call and the text question I posted here is what happened next:


I had to hang up on this B32. We agreed that he would call back at 9:30PM. That time came and went. So did much of the next day. That is when I posted the first part of the story and my question to all of you.

However, when I left the subway after traveling home that night my cell phone vibrated with a message. Low and behold it was B32.

But the perplexing attitude continued. His message said, "Sorry I could not get back to you last night. I was stuck on the phone with my friends."

He asked me to call him back. Against my better judgement I did. We played tag for a little while, and even made plans, that I had to cancel because I had already made plans for the same day and didn't realize it at the time. I offered another time via email but haven't received a return email and I do not expect to.

Here's the issue for me and please to my female readers, comment if you feel the same way. I have no problem with friends, and obligations. I have them too. In fact I am booked up for this entire week. But if I say I will call someone at a certain time I do it. And if I can't speak with that person then I quickly call them and let them know and ask if there is another time we can speak. It is just plain common courtesy. To just not call someone, especially someone you don't really know, but you claim to want to know for dating purposes I think says a lot about your lack of character.

I also feel that telling someone that you don't like to text, as a reason for not returning a text to someone is also a sign of lack of good character. To me it says I come first you come second. If you are going to be that way at this early stage how will you be later.

I fully appreciate that some people do not have texting plans, or simply have a preference of not liking the medium. I don't see that as the issue. I personally do not want to have a relationship with my phone. It was something I hated about my situation with DTM all those months ago. It was used as an excuse and a way to avoid real communication. For me it is the intent behind the statement that is worrisome. As is the intent behind the statement that he was stuck on the phone all night with friends.

At first if not always with a potential partner, you should want to put your best foot forward. I don't expect anyone to change their life for me before we meet, but some show of courtesy for me is necessary. And I think Darrin was dead on with his assessment that this fellow is self-absorbed.

I think there needs to be balance. I will communicate with you in the form you are most comfortable with even if it isn't my first choice. I expect the same respect. Flexibility is a two-way street.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

What's This Nice Jewish Girl Doing With Easter Eggs?

I actually got an Easter egg gift at work last night too. A little pink plastic egg with small chocolates and a small light. THANKS!

Saw this on Drowsey's and Julie's blog and felt like the Jewish kid at Xmas, all left out. So I thought to heck with it...I am going to partake in the fun today too :-)

Apparently Julie and I are a lot alike! WOOOHOOO!

What Your Easter Egg Says About You

You are truly optimistic, open, and hopeful.

And your optimism gives you the courage to live life adventurously.

You love new experiences, ideas, and challenges.

You see life as a fluid, growing process.

Zero To Sixty In...

Well it seems that I have gone from the cacooned hermit and catapulted straight into a heavy social calendar.

My entire life everyone has always commented about me that I am fast, fast learning, quick changes, fast worker... and that they have never ever seen anyone turn around as quickly as I have the ability to do. For me this is normal. I know no other way. Is it a good thing? Dunno. It is what it is.

I only know that I really needed the last two years to get my head together, to walk my spiritual path, to study and build a career that isn't completely conventional without a partner being unsupportive and knocking me off my chosen path. Now that I feel confident that I have a good foundation in that part of my life I made the decision that it was time to make new friends, and be more social...be fun and show others how much fun I am!

Some of you may know of the site Meetup.com . I went on this week and signed up for a slew of groups. One of them is for people to get together and watch a movie at the theater and then go to dinner and discuss it. Next Sunday this is where I will be. We are going to that new Woody Harrelson movie. 75 people signed up for this. It is supposed to be for singles, or singles preferred. My new friend from dinner this week signed up for the group and will be attending too.

We went to Zanzibar last night. Don't know what it is but I never got a look.

Even at my night job I got hit on by one of the Cast. My fellow male co-workers are always sweet to me and do little things for me because they think I am pretty. It's cute in a non-threatening way. And believe you me, I know the difference. Not so long ago I was heavier and had short dark hair. I know the transformation I made physically and I see the difference in other people's responses to me. Am I a different person? Well, in some ways I am, but in others I am the same Lauren. I know this treatment is due to my appearance. But for some damn reason in a bar or online I just don't fare well at all. In other situation I do great. Go figure!

I am going to another meetup group this Monday night. It is a free event and has a mixed panel with the discussion topic being : Understanding the Opposite Sex. It's probably all stuff we all know but a good excuse to mingle...I HOPE!

Tuesday is a tentatively planned night out with a co-worker for Ladies Night drinks.

Friday I have another dinner with another meetup group.

There is a big Health Expo in the city on Saturday and I am going to meet friends there. That same night Brian, who wrote the Wedding Meal Blessing Post is filming four bands at the Baggot Inn, in the West Village. I will be there to watch and mingle. If you are in New York City and read my blog, stop by and say hello to me and Brian!

Friday, March 21, 2008

What Would Your Reaction Be?

OK I am looking to you my friends/blog readers for some advice. Please do not read the other comments before put your answer in.

Here's the scenario: You're single and dating from an online site. You have corresponded via online chat once. Days later after being asked for your number (your the girl) you have gotten no call. Knowing all you do about guys egos and being afraid of rejection you send a text saying a simple "good morning" just to give the hint that you are open to the communication. Still nothing. But suddenly a few days later you get a call at 7:30PM while driving in the car. Restricted comes up. You answer the phone and it it the person from the online site you have been corresponding with.

"Hi This is B32. You might not remember me. You texted me the other day. I think you did anyway. So how are you?"

I responded kindly of course. "Yes, that was me. I did send you a text."

B32: "I never text people."


B32: "Oh well I never text anyone. "

Me: Silence

B32: "Well I just don't like texting. I prefer the phone. Even to emails."

Me: Silence

B:32 "Oh is that OK? I just don't text anyone. I just don't like it."

OK before I tell you what I said because he was getting his pants in a twist because I wasn't responding in any way to this defensiveness about not replying to my text what would you say?

Please put yourself in both parties shoes and answer this question. Whether you are a first time reader of my blog or long time reader please don't lurk. Please please comment. I welcome and want all comments. I get about 100 readers a day. Please if you have found this blog leave a comment answering what you would have said and your thoughts from the man's perspective as well. Thanks

Thursday, March 20, 2008

So My Saturday Night Plans Are Already Sacked (Or Maybe Not)

This has been my dilemma for a while. I meet some new person to hang out with and for whatever reason they flake. I simply don't get it. The dinner on Tuesday night was a blast. I enjoyed just about everyone at the table. And they all seemed to enjoy me too. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a long time. I got a lot of positive feedback, unasked for, about my hair, which is very different than the last time I spent time with these folks, as well as my weight loss and over all change. Everyone made a point to say goodbye to me at the end of the night. One man even stuck around a little longer to tell me he hopes I meet someone great soon. It's true, my energy has changed.

I spent the previous year cocooned. I really needed the time alone. I really needed to not be dating. I wanted the freedom of pursuing what I have come to realize is my path in life, as far as my career is concerned, without a man around pressuring me to be different, and to have a more corporate 9-5 job. I needed to get that part of my life going strongly enough so that when I did meet someone it would not be such a problem.

This year however I feel that I need to get out and make new friends. People who want to be happy and social. This doesn't mean I am looking to spend a lot of money or to be with those who can spend a lot to do this. In fact I am looking for free or low-cost events and social gatherings to do this. I had thought this new friend I met who asked me if I was free this weekend, not the other way around, would be the start to this fun time for me. HAHA. Jokes on me!

I looked into some places to go after I work late on Saturday night. I told this new friend I had to work until 10:30PM but that I would be working in the neighborhood she lives in. She said perfect. Well, I sent email to her today with a few places to choose from. What did I get back? A pathetic email telling me that one of the places looked good for happy hour which is 5-9. ARE YOU SERIOUS? On a Saturday night you write me back saying this and saying you thought 10ish was a bit too late anyway. COME ON GIRLFRIEND. Money is just as tight for me but you go out and buy one drink and you smile and you chat with others and hopefully a nice gentleman buys you a drink and you don't worry about money.

What is even more perplexing is that this same woman bitched all night to me about how she is tired of her gay male friends and how it gets her no where and she has to start doing things social that are for her own gain. But she will be home on Saturday night. I will be working until 10:30PM and I may or may not go home after.

This situation set off my hot button. I decided NO DAMN MORE! Enough. I am a fun great person. It's my year and my time. NOW OR NEVER. I signed up for a few social groups on meetup.com Most of them are related to dinner for singles to mingle. A couple do dinner and a movie or movie and then dinner so we can talk about it together. They are all for people within my age range. The first event is tomorrow night at 6:30. I invited a new friend from work to go with me. He's single too.

Before you ask...no there is not going to be anything there. He is a fun guy that I know I can have a good time doing singles events with. For many reasons this is not a potential match further. But even if those things didn't exist, I live by the idea that "I don't shit where I eat."

The co-worker and I are going to go to a place called Lea on Tuesday night after work. Starting at 8PM it is Ladies night. Drinks are free. This is a little hidden place near where I am working right now. It is billed as a weekday only place and the supposed newest hotspot for after work in the area. Since momma's kind of broke right now, this fits the bill. And since it is ladies night he will have a chance to meet a lot of single gals for himself. Win/Win!

I also signed up for a free event on Monday night about understanding the opposite sex. Seems like a lot of people signed up as well. It's FREE. Can't hurt and maybe I will meet someone interesting to talk with when I am there.

Who knows. It all remains to be seen. But if I sit at home I am going to grow old alone.
Update: Finally received email stating ok to getting together after work Saturday night. I learned the hesitation was that she was mugged a few years ago walking alone at night. Let's see if this happens or not.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My Dinner Last Night

A good friend of mine whom I have known for nine years, who used to be my social events director, was visiting NYC from where she lives now, Texas. She was the ultimate single gal, who was over 35 and felt much like I do now regarding men and dating. She went on vacation one day and met her husband and moved to Texas to start her married life with him.

Amanda is a great person and she comes to NYC about twice a year and becomes the social butterfly immediately. She arranged a dinner for a group of friends and I was in attendence. I met a new friend at this dinner. I am really excited. She is single and we are basically the same age and she and I apparently share a lot of similar world views. But what I found most refreshing was that on the few that we did not share she was respectful with my opposing view and didn't take it personally. She is really one cool chick! She is also ready to go out and do single girl things. We have already planned our first outting for Saturday night after I get out of work. Whoohoo!

Monday, March 17, 2008

St. Patrick's Day Parade In NYC

As you can imagine, the St. Patrick's Day Parade is a big deal in NYC. Here is some video I shot during my lunch hour of some of the bands just before they were allowed to enter into the parade. They are held on the side streets around 45th and Madison Avenue.

Check out the dudes in the third video. (It looks like the video is not available but it is.)

And here's some video of the media surrounding Bear Stearns...those bastards!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

My Thoughts On Why Men Marry Bitches

So I devoured that book. I respect the information and I understand this is what I am up against and what is out there and I have to learn to play the game. But there is a HUGE part of me that resists this entire idea of it being a game at all. There is a HUGE part of me that feels betrayed and upset that this is the way it is.

I understand the premise behind all the things men do, that I read about. They do not want to get hurt. They are guarded. I get it. Guess what fellas? Women feel the same way too. I don't want to be played for sex. I would respect you much more if you were upfront with me and just said that is what you want and cannot offer more. Infact, let me let you into a little secret. I have a lot of single female friends here in NYC and MOST of them have a friend with benefits. The ones that have this arrangement do it openly, no secrets and they are just fine with it.

It's the lying we cannot stand. It's the lying that will set off our emotional hot button and make us want to go nuclear on you.

Think about it: Just as you do not want a woman who lies to you just so that you will buy her expensive gifts and pay for her rent we don't want to be lied to about your motives for sex.

The rest is just games. And I have ALWAYS hated playing games. But I understand that men are very fearful and have fragile egos and this runs their actions. And so I will do my best to be aware of this and follow the rules I read about in the book. They make sense. I don't like them but they make sense and I can be ok with them because THEY MAKE SENSE.

It just seems to me that if all those thoughts are driving the behavior of men, then they aren't fully present in the relationship and I am being viewed as a thing and not a fully rounded person. I myself am finding it hard at the moment to express my feelings with the correct words. For now this is as close as I can get.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

World Prayers

A nice site to visit when you need a little time to meditate and ground yourself. I spun the prayer wheel and this came up.

If you click on the link below it will take you to the site. Or visit the sidebar of my blog any time to find your way to this calming place.

Lord, take me where You want me to go;Let me meet who You want me to meet;Tell me what You want me to say; andKeep me out of your way.
father mychal judge
- FDNY - died 9/11/01

I Make Her Day!

Drowsey was so kind and gave me this award on Friday.

The You Make My Day Award works like this:

1) Write a post with links to 5 blogs that make me think and/or make my day
2) Acknowledge the post of the award giver
3) Tell the award winners they won by commenting on their blogs with the news!

To the following blogs who make MY day:

Writing From The Inside Out
Sexy Ads Blog
Ragtree Funky Sculpture (not so much for what she says online as for what she says offline!)
Pieces Of Perplexio Pie
Robert's Road (of which I am addicted to reading every day :)

Friday, March 14, 2008

Why Men Marry Bitches

Yesterday I wrote that I prayed on my subway ride home for a new way of thinking and seeing things. As Darrin commented, the l-rd works in mysterious ways. I am a person of faith, but for the past few months I have been in a downward spiral. I was a fairly confident woman and then DTM smacked into my life. He was there for a lesson. In the midst of that lesson also came energy spent around a narcissist who really did a number on my psychie. He pounded some pretty darn mean and nasty things into me at the worst moments, after I had developed feelings. Since then I have been more and more needy and neurotic as the months went by.

Silly me, I thought that simply having my say and telling him off as I broke up with him would feel empowering. But he left his nasty little mark long before that happened.

Normally I would stray away from a book like the one I am about to tell you about, but as I said I prayed for a new way to see things. First I found that other blog and today a co-worker gave me her copy of Why Men Marry Bitches. It's not what you think. The title is great marketing.

Women think of the word bitch to mean, mean and nasty. That is NOT how this author explains this word or attitude. I am 80 pages in and it is fantastic. It gives exactly what I had been asking for -- for the past few months, clear cut do's and don'ts with examples of situations we have all been in. Not silly stupid moronic situations. Normal, real situations and it tells you how a guy is thinking, what he should be thinking based on the proper answer, which will let you know if he is a quality guy or not. It's not so much what he tries to do with you because let's face it they will all go for sex, even the nerdiest of the bunch. It's what he says or doesn't say to you based on how you handle him. And this goes for other situations like a change in pattern of texts or calls to you. And THAT one stands out glaringly for me.

Well I will leave you all here for now. I have a date with a guy from JDATE later tonight. From what I read I have already made some major mistakes. But the truth is I hold no stock in this date anyway.

Update: Things were smooth, pleasant, enjoyable. Will he call? Who knows. Do I even want him to? Not sure. Here's what I do know: I handled myself very differently on this date than any other I have had in a very very long time and it felt so much better for me.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Great New Blog

I am going to read this woman's blog more often. I just found her through entrecard. And while I really do NOT like her advertisements on her site...the content that I skimmed through is positive and enlightening and has already helped me refocus.

I was re-reading Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love on my subway ride home tonight. And in it she teaches you to ask g-d to help you learn to think a new way and in it find peace. Well I put my face into that book, closed my eyes and said those words over and over and over.

Tonight I came home to a request to place an advertisement for this woman's blog on my site. I always read the first page of any of the blog requestors to decide if the content is ok with me before approving. And then I saw this:

Are your dates more like interviews?
and this

Prayers answered....it's all in the little moments...

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Well THIS Explains It All

Well I guess I don't have to ask anymore questions because these bozo's have the answer to my dating dilemma...I'm just too fucking g-d damn short! (I am 5 feet tall.)

If this isn't the biggest bag of shit out there that someone actually went to school to study and then got paid to work on I do not know what is!

Short people are most prone to jealousy, say scientists

The Funnier Side Of Dating

I found this woman's blog today. She really has a good sense of humor about relationships and dating! Check her out.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

So Tired

I've had to do a lot of running around for work the past few weeks. This has been a HUGE change for me and I am really tired. I forgot just how exhausted getting up early, getting on the bus and train, and then spending 8 hours working for other people is and then often running to a night job. All the things I do are fairly simple and I get to meet and work with really nice people along the way. BUT BOY AM I TIRED.

I am so grateful for these new opportunities. It is keeping me so busy that I don't have time to think much about dating, what some man thinks or thought of me or even care. Because I am just too damn tired. By the time I get home all I want to do is veg on my couch and watch the television...read a few other blogs and possibly comment on them and then let my head hit the pillow.

With that said however, I did make plans to meet a new guy this Friday night. He seems like a nice person. Our phone conversation felt like two friends chatting. We weren't trying to impress each other or out do the other in anyway. Just simple chit chatty friendly conversation. What I hope for this Friday is a pleasant time with a nice man who thinks he felt the same way with me for an hour.

Next on my agenda is cooking class. I have begun researching some amature classes that I might take. I have never been the best cook or even cared. But I know that men like food, and cooking with them could be a fun activity to share. And well, I want to be married and start a family and be the center of the home and cooking is an essential part of that if that is the kind of marriage and family you want to be in. Hopefully I will have some stories about that for you soon.

What's the next new thing on your agenda?

Monday, March 10, 2008

Why Are Men SOOO Driven By Sex?


I just don't get it. This is the governor of my state. He was the Attorney General before being elected and known for being tough on crime. He is married with three kids.

Everytime I see stories like this it just kills me. It reminds me of the times Ex's have cheated and how hurt it made me feel.

Why is sex so important to men that most would risk their reputations to pay for it?

Two In Two

Coming home from Manhattan yesterday I stopped by a "chicken house" to pick up some dinner for myself. Actually, it was the first meal I was going to have the entire day. That morning after dealing with yet another cowardly email from that young fellow, rather than having the respect to just speak with me directly, and not fully understanding why I was still getting communication at all if he didn't want to see me anymore due to my age, and reading of his professions of how hard this has been for him...the drama of it all, me responding because my ego just could not let go of it all, yet...I realized that in order to get to work on time I had to throw my clothes on and leave without any meal. But I digress.

I know the guy behind the counter of this place for years. I have gone in there many times for a meal. He has always been sweet to me. Yesterday he made a point to tell me how much younger I look and he even asked me, "How do you manage to look younger than all those years ago when I first met you?" I didn't say a word to him, except for hello and what I wanted to order and that is what I heard.

I didn't even think he recognized me because I have changed my look over the last year and haven't been in there much lately. But he told me, "Of course I remember you. You used to come in with the Mexican boyfriend of yours."

So briefly I thanked him for his compliment and told him how much it meant to me that he said what he did and how ironic it was that of all days and all the time I know him he said this to me then. He looked a bit shocked. I didn't go into the entire story but I told him how I met a guy whom I really seemed to click with who dumped me because of my age. Of course I cannot convey the look on this man's face but it definetely was one of shock.

And then he said the following to me:

"He doesn't know any better. He will probably regret it later on. Before I was married I was with a woman much older than me. She was 10 years older and divorced. I am married now to another woman but it's not the same as it was with the other woman and I regret it now. He just doesn't understand or know any better right now."

It is really hard even for the most well-adjusted person to take rejection. Taking it on such a regular basis is emotionally draining. I have such good friends. I really do. I know I am blessed. But it doesn't change a thing when it comes to feeling unloved and lonely.

I wish I knew how to change this for me. I wish I had more activities I liked to do and could afford to do and could go out and meet whomever it is that I was put on earth to couple up with. I wish I didn't feel lonely and sad. But I do. I have my work but even with that it is not enough for me. My heart is missing something. My soul is missing something. I don't need someone else to make me happy. It's not that. This feeling is more like one of losing a part of your body. Something that should be there is not and you compensate but it never feels quite correct.

Can I Kick Ass?

Unbelievably Barbara the sweetest blogger I know, had this on her site. And I can kick more ass of kids than she can. HA!


Six Word Memoir Meme

Drowsey tagged me on this meme.

Here are the rules:

1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post.
4. Tag five more blogs with links.
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!







I am tagging the following blogs that I love:

From the Roads
Pieces of Perplexio Pie
Julie's Blog
In Repose
Mystic Gypsy Girl

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Found This On Drowsey's Blog

Drowsey had this on her blog. Compared to her I am a saint. HAHA!

You Are 28% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.

In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

Being Played

What can I say? Do I think he did it with intent? Probably not. He probably doesn't even realize the humongous games he played with me. He is probably even more confused about how to date than I am. But the end result is the same. I got played.

I'm not sure what lessons I am supposed to get from this experience. Maybe it is soley to accept that this is how it is out there and to not take it so personally & so hard. It's not about me. It's about them. Perhaps the only thing I am doing wrong is overthinking each situation.

I am not even sure what I will write about on this blog for the next few weeks. Maybe there will be more dating experiences to amuse you with. However, I realize I am not cut out for this "dating" bullshit. It's just not who I am. I am a deeper person. I need relationships with people, both men and women.

My good friend Brian, who wrote a post for this blog and will write more at some point, suggested that I go out in groups, with friends and take my time to get to know people through shared experiences and activities. I will be seeking out these type of opportunities more and more and doing my best to move away from this online dating and dating in general.

I am not a dater. I am a relationship-type person. I want to be in a good relationship. There I said it!

Dating is for figuring out who you are and what you want and need. I have already done that. I truly am ready for that last life-long relationship to present.

I went out last night for shits and giggles and to amuse myself and waste time and blow off steam. I was crystal clear with this young man that I was NOT interested in him as anything more than a new neighborhood friend. I could have been talking to the wall. He was not listening to me. It became a chore to have to say no thank you.

While it was flattering and nice and very needed to be told how beautiful I am, hot I am, and attractive I am at some point you also have to listen to my words when I say I am not interested in you as more than a friend and let it go. And there's the difference between my code of ethics and the last guy of 31. Nicely but clearly I stated I was not interested. I won't play games and be hurtful or lead anyone on.

I needed last night out. It was welcomed. I will probably do it again soon. I might even take my friend "D's" advice and go by myself next time. That way I can sit for two hours, perhaps have a drink bought by some guy and chat with him a little and then say goodnight and go home. No pressure and no chore.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Sometimes Age DOES Matter

And the proof is in the very immature communication I received this morning from the immature 31 year-old. Thank you all for the wonderful comments about how I looked. I have been much heavier previously and obviously concerned with my age a lot lately.

So I am going to really open the wound and show you the email I got this morning. Although I was PROMISED a phone call on Sunday THIS is what I got instead:

so I DID mention you in an email to my friend, we shall see what he says. Hopefully you found your way back with out any problems, otherwise you are still unfortunately lost and I am wasting my time writing. I am still surprised that you like/liked me, I just don't get it. I too think you are a great person. The thing I can't get past, though I have tried to be open about it, honestly is the age issue ( I know I am an agist, the HR centers of the world are gonna start pounding on my doors). I know you didn't change the age to scam anyone, but it is an issue for me. I pushed it aside when we spoke, but I guess that's what makes me slow to react (I let things filter for a while before reacting). It didn't bother me much when we met, but I have spent two fairly sleepless nights thinking of things, and I just didn't want to BS you, when this is something that has been bothering me and I can't seem to get by it. You deserve someone who is not going to waver back and forth, you are a really great person and I hope that you find what you are seeking.
I do honestly wish you the best of luck in finding what you want and deserve.

I spent the day upset...needless to say. I just was NOT expecting anything so hurtful and childish. A good friend of mine babysat me today. And as I arrived back in my neighborhood a very young black gentleman of the age of 25 nicely commented to me as he smiled. Normally I would just smile back and walk away. Tonight I did not. I stopped and talked. That is how I learned his age. He told me I was really beautiful. I laughed and told him how I was just dumped because of my age. He said, "NO WAY!" He said he thought I was 32. I told him very briefly I was dumped via email because I am 36. He said "That man is stupid. You are gorgeous." We talked a little more. He is new to the neighborhood. I am too. I asked him if he wanted to go and hang out tonight and have a drink in our neighborhood since I don't know too many people who live near me.

And so tonight I will be out having fun with a young, hot 25 year old man!

Hey Jake, KISS MY 36 YEAR-OLD ASS! See your bald head around in 10 years when I am married with kids and you are STILL SINGLE and need VIAGRA!

What I Looked Like On My Last Date

Barbara wanted to know what I looked like for my last date. So here's the video I took before I went to meet that 31 year-old guy.

I am going back to the GAP today to exchange them.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Pizza Cop

Shortest date I can remember. Pleasant enough. Could tell this guy was probably fun but not in the way of dating...more of amusing because he is so politically incorrect. And I really don't always agree with PC crapola but there is a thing called decency and well...pizza cop doesn't have too much of it.

Look, this one's a nice person but not for me. We met at a local place that has really good...you guessed it, PIZZA. He had to work tonight. We met at 9 and we were done 40 minutes later.

He said some off color remarks and I laughed. I am sure he didn't realize why I was laughing. And that just doesn't mesh with my values.

At the end of the night he gave me that longing look but made no moves or asked for anything else from me. I said "thanks and take care."

If things aren't going to work out at all, this is the way the date should be. Sweet, easy simple, obvious.

I honestly do not know how much more my sadness my heart can handle. It's one thing when you are younger but as the years roll along and you have lost track of the amount of men you have had to meet, some you invested feelings in and then you just no longer have anything to do with, it takes it's toll. While I did sign up for Jdate for one more month I honestly feel I am just giving up on all this. I did it more out of desperation than anything else. It is something to do with another person of the opposite sex for one night for one hour, meeting for coffee or pizza or a drink. Shits and giggles to occupy my time here and there.

I am not waiting around for a phone call or to be picked. I feel a bit like Kate Monster. Enjoy. Sorry it is censored a bit but you can figure it out. (There is a weird interview section after the song. Sorry about that. It's the best version on youtube.)

And They're Off!

I decided to rejoin Jdate as a paid member. I logged on and I was barraged with IM requests. At 31 same photo as at 36 I get contacted. At 36 NADA! Go figure. Tough on them. I am not telling another guy my age when I meet him. Screw them. They like me, they can date me and then I tell them and not a moment before. Because it should be about me not the number!

Three guys chatted with me in a half hour period. One was disgusting. It never fails that since my screename is such that it is they make remarks and do not understand it is marketing, smart marketing if you ask me! It's tantamount to a woman wearing a very nice dress and men whistling and cat calling out on the street saying she asked for it. STUPIDITY!

Of the other two one seems a bit interesting. I go in with ZERO wants or expectations other than an hour at coffee. Which was my mistake last night when I let it become more than one hour and more than coffee. He has my cell number and said he will call me Sunday to talk about meeting for coffee during the week.

My weekend is packed. I asked the universe to keep me busy and it provided. I am meeting with a good friend on Saturday who is going to keep me busy so I can't spend time alone thinking about all this crap. Sunday I am working during the day in Manhattan. I will be working a 9-5 gig for a few weeks which will keep me rather busy as well and I have some events planned for myself in other career areas with colleagues throughout this month and next.

Lauren sits around and waits for NOONE!

What A Difference A Day Makes

With help from many friends I have decided to move on quickly from this latest and most confusing disappointment.

Many things I did not share with you were said which in hindsight lead me to realize that although this man professes wanting marriage he doesn't fully understand what a marriage really means.

For me marriage is not about being demanding, it is about accepting other people's pace and needs. He clearly cannot understand that if after two dates he feels he must and wants to commit to this woman. I can understand a connection. I can understand the desire to get to know the person better and see how things go over a few weeks. Two dates is pushing and demanding. And while it might be the right pace for him, I know all too well it is not for MOST people. He needs to make this mistake. Whether I am around for him when he realizes this I do not know.

If he calls me on Sunday and IF I decide to take his call, what I HAVE DECIDED to say is the following: " I do like you and I do feel there is a connection but I also feel you have to pursue this other person. So I would like to be friends and get to know you on a friend basis only."

Because the truth for me is that I absolutely cannot give the kind of relationship he believes he wants at this time. Only if he goes out with that woman and realizes his mistake in pursuing her so quickly in such a heavy way so fast, will he be willing to slow down enough for me IF we do decide to stay friends and then ever decide to change it to a dating/boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I just cannot and will not be pushed into anything to make another person happy at my expense.

While this is obviously not what I had hopped for this is my truth and I am at peace with it.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Best and Worst Date EVER

I don't even have the energy to write this all out. I do want to let you all know that this did not end well for me.

Date was fun. Everything seemed as it had been. But I now realize why some things were said to me on the phone last night. I thought it was just self-depricating humor. It was not. He was hoping we would have a terrible date because he met someone else. And while we were supposed to have our phone date on Tuesday and he was supposed to be with friends, that event got cancelled and he used that time to ask this other woman out on a second date and he likes her and will be seeing her again and he wanted to let me know.

I told him about my age and directly after he told me this. He wanted to be honest with me. He has had a total of two dates and he said he is feeling guilty that he likes me and liked our time and that he was with me at all. He was considering cancelling our date completely after only two dates with this other woman.

NOW I am sorry but that is just nuts if you ask me. And I am the kind of woman that doesn't play games and doesn't like the dating scene...but two dates and you are thinking of being exclusive to the point that a date with a new woman who you know almost as long as the other one you had two dates with makes you feel guilty. This is just too intense, don't you think?

He went so far as to tell me that he purposely didn't use my name the entire night because he was afraid he might say the wrong name. A good friend of mine said that telling me that crossed the line, that it wasn't for being honest and that you don't have to say everything you are thinking to be honest. She feels that was cruel.

I had no time to digest what was being said to me. I wasn't sure how to react.

In the moment I only knew I felt a connection and didn't want to lose my chance. Perhaps stupidly I said things I should not have.

I told him I felt a connection and I asked if he felt it too, or was I wrong. He said he does feel a connection and that he could not stop thinking about me after our calls and was hoping it wouldn't go well so that he didn't have to make a choice. So I said I feel something and would like the chance to see where it can go but I won't beg and it will be what it is. But that I can't promise him anything and certainly not exclusivity after only a few dates. And then I said that it might be a good thing to date the other woman because he will have someone to compare me too.

But now that I am home. Now that I have had time to talk with a good friend, I am rethinking much of what I thought I felt and said. I do not have time for this baby bullshit. TWO DATES and you are feeling guilty. That IS too intense. He should not have been on Jdate talking with other women if he felt so g-d damn strongly about this other woman after only one date.

He committed to calling me on Sunday night to discuss seeing each other further.

So I ask you, should I take the call?

Making Love

The information about Patrick Swayze's pancreatic cancer is such a shock. Everyone remembers their first love. I met mine in 1987. His name was Marc. When I hear news of Patrick Swayze my memories immediately go to Marc.

Each generation has their own love making music and stars and well, Marc and I had Dirty Dancing. Cliche? Maybe. But we were young and in-love and we did it like bunny rabbits and I will NEVER forget the night we saw that movie and how inspired we were and how much we felt for each other...where we went after and how close we felt.

To learn of this horrible news of such a young actor, whose movie and music inspired such young love making for me is just such a terrible sadness and shock for me.

My heart goes out to him and his loved ones.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

My Mature 31 Guy

OK I am totally in deep ___! Why? Because I like this fella & he seems to really like me too. (So if it doesn't work out my heart is risking a bruisin.)We have talked not once but twice on the phone. Our conversations are easy and fun and I am laughing all the time.

I originally scheduled a call from him for Tuesday night, but he emailed me Monday, asking if we could talk Monday or Wed. instead because he was going to spend time with friends. I sent him a text to his phone asking,"Do you want to talk now?" Within 30 seconds my phone rang. HOLY CRAP! I wasn't expecting that. :-)

There have been fun emails every day back and forth and we are meeting tomorrow night face to face. So I was completely shocked when around 9PM tonight my phone rang and it was MM31G.

I cannot remember the last time THAT has happened to me. :-)

He says the cutest things which let me know he likes me. I will share ONE of them with you. He told me, "I probably shouldn't say this but I am going to go out on a limb and hope I do not jinx tomorrow but our conversations are going too well...which means we will probably have a terrible date." He's nervous and I find that adorable!

I have been asking friends what to do about the age issue, being that I lied about it online. So far everyone says I should tell him. I agree.

So tomorrow after we have met and feel comfortable, as the conversation unfolds, when I see an opening, without making it a big issue I will tell him the truth about my age. I see a lot of potential with this man and this is the first time in years I can truly say this. I do not want to start out with lies.

We are meeting at 6:30PM Thursday. Wish me luck! All prayers are welcome.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Mr. P. Niss - Courtesy Of Email From My Mother

YES! I received this via email




The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
V. Gina

Monday, March 3, 2008

Weekend Of Reflection

I learned of some strange news about an Ex of mine, the first of a few that I discussed marriage seriously with. I knew this man when I was very young. Nonetheless at first, knowing about where he is in his personal life hit me hard.

I would NEVER want to be married to this man. NEVER. He was a seriel cheater, even using me to cheat on his then girlfriend, while telling me he had broken up with her. Then going on to do the same to me, not once but twice.

After moving to NYC almost 17 years ago, we saw each other a couple of times and I realized then that he had moved on to someone else and was then cheating with me. I highly doubt that this has changed in him...however I know how much I have.

This news got me thinking WAY to much!

But out of that I realized something very important. In February I wrote about my thoughts on being single at 36. Out of those ideals that I wrote about I lived a very independent-minded life. I realize I chose a lot of things over keeping a relationship with men.

Looking back I realize that much like how men are often described as needing to do their own thing, trying to achieve their goals and purpose before pairing up, I too did the same for myself. It wasn't a conscious choice, but in reflection that is exactly what I did.

Had I chosen to be with that Ex at the age of 20, I would have given up my dream of moving to NYC. I would not have gotten my degree at college. I would not have had all the amazing New Years Eve experiences right in Times Square with some of the most interesting people. At one time in my life I had a male friend who worked for a recording studio right in Times Square. Each year the owner threw a big bash where a lot of music celebs came out to party. Unbeknownst to me at the moment, I sang solo with Ol' Dirty Bastard while he played the piano. I was with the wife of a friend pretty much alone in the room with she and he and when we left the room we said to each other, "He's nasty! Who the hell is that?"

I could go on and on with the domino effect of if I had not moved to NYC...but the bottom line is this. If I had not moved to NYC and instead repaired that relationship (or at least attemped to) I may have been able to say I WAS married and I probably would have kids now BUT I would have been resentful and filled with what ifs. I would have felt that I wasted my life and not made a life for myself. I would have been filled with "I could have..."

I met with an old high school friend this weekend and learned about a few people I used to know. Many whom are now divorced with kids. With all the mistakes I have made THIS is not one of them. And I am so glad for it. I am so glad that my mistakes leave me clear for a better easier future while most of those I went to school with now have it harder because of theirs. I say this for comparrison and reflection, not as a schedenfreude.

And it is precisly because I have lived as I wished for 17 years that I feel I am completely ready to meet my beshart, as I am, imperfections and all, and make a new life with this man. I have "done" NYC. If I had to give that up now, for a man I loved I could happily do so. The career I chose I can take with me to any city or state. I am a full person with no regrets or wonders of what if.

Saturday, March 1, 2008


Does this person look familiar to you? He looked at my Jdate profile 3 days ago.

I think grumpy put some mustache dye on and a wig and joined Jdate.

Well maybe it isn't a perfect match but I do think grumpy is hiding a brother or a twin. Hmmm?