"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Monday, March 3, 2008

Weekend Of Reflection

I learned of some strange news about an Ex of mine, the first of a few that I discussed marriage seriously with. I knew this man when I was very young. Nonetheless at first, knowing about where he is in his personal life hit me hard.

I would NEVER want to be married to this man. NEVER. He was a seriel cheater, even using me to cheat on his then girlfriend, while telling me he had broken up with her. Then going on to do the same to me, not once but twice.

After moving to NYC almost 17 years ago, we saw each other a couple of times and I realized then that he had moved on to someone else and was then cheating with me. I highly doubt that this has changed in him...however I know how much I have.

This news got me thinking WAY to much!

But out of that I realized something very important. In February I wrote about my thoughts on being single at 36. Out of those ideals that I wrote about I lived a very independent-minded life. I realize I chose a lot of things over keeping a relationship with men.

Looking back I realize that much like how men are often described as needing to do their own thing, trying to achieve their goals and purpose before pairing up, I too did the same for myself. It wasn't a conscious choice, but in reflection that is exactly what I did.

Had I chosen to be with that Ex at the age of 20, I would have given up my dream of moving to NYC. I would not have gotten my degree at college. I would not have had all the amazing New Years Eve experiences right in Times Square with some of the most interesting people. At one time in my life I had a male friend who worked for a recording studio right in Times Square. Each year the owner threw a big bash where a lot of music celebs came out to party. Unbeknownst to me at the moment, I sang solo with Ol' Dirty Bastard while he played the piano. I was with the wife of a friend pretty much alone in the room with she and he and when we left the room we said to each other, "He's nasty! Who the hell is that?"

I could go on and on with the domino effect of if I had not moved to NYC...but the bottom line is this. If I had not moved to NYC and instead repaired that relationship (or at least attemped to) I may have been able to say I WAS married and I probably would have kids now BUT I would have been resentful and filled with what ifs. I would have felt that I wasted my life and not made a life for myself. I would have been filled with "I could have..."

I met with an old high school friend this weekend and learned about a few people I used to know. Many whom are now divorced with kids. With all the mistakes I have made THIS is not one of them. And I am so glad for it. I am so glad that my mistakes leave me clear for a better easier future while most of those I went to school with now have it harder because of theirs. I say this for comparrison and reflection, not as a schedenfreude.

And it is precisly because I have lived as I wished for 17 years that I feel I am completely ready to meet my beshart, as I am, imperfections and all, and make a new life with this man. I have "done" NYC. If I had to give that up now, for a man I loved I could happily do so. The career I chose I can take with me to any city or state. I am a full person with no regrets or wonders of what if.


Anonymous said...

regrets and wonder if's are to be thought about but not brooded on...look forward not back..unless there is a hot guy behind you....:))) or in my case a hot chick..:))

Julie said...

No regrets is a good way to me! I don't regret being married to my ex-husband....but I sure am glad that I am no longer married to him, either!

Lauren said...

Robert, I agree...and from now on I will only look back if there is a hot guy to look back at.

Julie, I hear ya girlfriend!