I grew up during an era where little girls were taught that we could be anything, where age and gender didn't matter. It was drummed into our heads and I believed it. I still do hold these values. Partially my mother imparted these ideas onto me and partially society, the media, my teachers and peers. Most of the people who imparted these ideas onto me and my generation never actually experienced what they taught us. They were trying to make the world as they wished it were for them.
I am a strong-minded person. I always agreed with these ideas and at the risk of completely repeating myself...I STILL DO.
Here's the problem with this: I, as a single woman, at the age of 36 (-5 ha) who lived these values, took her time to develop herself never thinking that after I crossed the line of 35 I would become the undesirable to still single men, am dealing with a very strange breed of men.
Men of my age who are married somewhere along the lines learned and live the ideals of the art of compassion for their mates differences and desires. They understand what is appropriately up for debate in a relationship and what is not. They allowed themselves to fall in love and accept and respect the little differences in their mates habits such as one person needing to be very organized and the other not. And infact they realize how important that difference is to the balance of their positive relationship. If infact if both parties were both extremely organized people chances are there would be too many challenges for who was in charge. Think the show on TLC "Jon & Kate Plus 8". Kate is a self labeled organized germaphobe and Jon is more laid back and lets Kate run the show in the house. It works precisely because they are NOT the same in that very area.
Single men today of a certain age, just do not seem to understand this idea. I have met single man after single man, who show this same lack of understanding or willingness to experience this in a relationship over and over and over. He comes in all packages: tall, short, heavy, thin, educated, less educated, pretty, ugly...doesn't matter.
Sure, they will SAY they aren't looking for a clone of themselves, but the truth is, if you listen to them when they speak on these dates, that IS what they are looking for. And AIN'T NOBODY CAN BE THAT FOR NOBODY!
Yin/Yin or Yang/Yang doesn't work.
There's a big part of me that regrets taking so long to work on myself. But I really didn't have a choice. This is what my life presented to me and I worked with it. I never in my wildest dreams thought I was losing time...until now.
I thought I was living the dream I was taught I could have.
Yes, there are men who understand the yin/yang principle. And many of them are my friends. And most of them are married.
I honestly do not understand the mindset of these men. They choose singlehood at a very much older age over simple compromise and compassion for another person's needs that would lead them to a great relationship with a woman.
"Super Jew" has a woman "friend" who he enjoys very much, shares thoughts with and is even planning a huge pleasure trip to Africa with. But she does not fit the bill of a girlfriend for him or a wife simply because "she is too rigid with her time...if I call her on a Monday to ask for plans on a Wednesday she has told me it isn't enough advance notice." Said "friend" is still very much front and center in his life but he'll never take it to the next level because of this difference, which he cannot see is the exact reason (well one of many I am sure) why they should be together. This would compliment them.
"Super Jew" on our walk back to my train made rude comment number ...I lost track, about his friends having too many children, people who should not. Of course I am going to ask why. "It's strange to see a woman you went to college with and throw up outside a window from being so drunk, now have three kids."
I truly ask you to take a good hard look at that thought I shared with you that he expressed because I think that is extremely telling not only of "Super Jew" but of MOST single men left for me to date.
In their eyes we cannot be multi-dimentional. We cannot mature in our relationships and grow from one way to another or consider our partners wants. If we were the party girl who vomited out a window -- guess what folks, we are labeled thusly and have doomed ourselved to enternal singlehood because we decided we too could have just as much fun as the boys were having.
I really am trying not to be bitter. It is hard but I am doing my best.
I need to be with the man who allows me to be me, doesn't have an obsessive need to know from a first date if I will think and act just like he does on these minor issues like organizing my schedule. Just because I am living one way doesn't mean I cannot be flexible.
I need to be with the man that understands that the art of compromise is the key to a great long-lasting relationship.
I don't want a clone of myself. I do want shared values. Understanding the art of compromise is a shared value. Not liking to cook vs liking to cook is not a shared value, it is a preference. PREFERING to have your schedule planned out is a PREFERENCE not a value and should not be a need to determine if you could ever possibly be a girlfriend or a wife.
Whatever happened to the days where you really enjoyed the other person so much so, that you slowly learned about them, their likes and dislikes and learned slowly to accept them or change them for the other person to be more comfortable?????
I have taken the following from a great site called Daily Om. I believe is cleary illustrates my feelings on this subject:
Small changes allow us to grow into a new habit and make it a permanent part of our lives, whereas sudden changes may cause a sense of failure that makes it difficult to go on, and we are more likely to revert to our old ways. By embarking on the path slowly, we have the chance to look around and consider other options as we learn and grow. We have time to examine the underlying values of the desire for change and find ways to manifest those feelings, whether it looks exactly like our initial goal or not. Taking small steps forward gives us time to adjust and find secure footing on our new path.