"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Monday, March 10, 2008

Two In Two

Coming home from Manhattan yesterday I stopped by a "chicken house" to pick up some dinner for myself. Actually, it was the first meal I was going to have the entire day. That morning after dealing with yet another cowardly email from that young fellow, rather than having the respect to just speak with me directly, and not fully understanding why I was still getting communication at all if he didn't want to see me anymore due to my age, and reading of his professions of how hard this has been for him...the drama of it all, me responding because my ego just could not let go of it all, yet...I realized that in order to get to work on time I had to throw my clothes on and leave without any meal. But I digress.

I know the guy behind the counter of this place for years. I have gone in there many times for a meal. He has always been sweet to me. Yesterday he made a point to tell me how much younger I look and he even asked me, "How do you manage to look younger than all those years ago when I first met you?" I didn't say a word to him, except for hello and what I wanted to order and that is what I heard.

I didn't even think he recognized me because I have changed my look over the last year and haven't been in there much lately. But he told me, "Of course I remember you. You used to come in with the Mexican boyfriend of yours."

So briefly I thanked him for his compliment and told him how much it meant to me that he said what he did and how ironic it was that of all days and all the time I know him he said this to me then. He looked a bit shocked. I didn't go into the entire story but I told him how I met a guy whom I really seemed to click with who dumped me because of my age. Of course I cannot convey the look on this man's face but it definetely was one of shock.

And then he said the following to me:

"He doesn't know any better. He will probably regret it later on. Before I was married I was with a woman much older than me. She was 10 years older and divorced. I am married now to another woman but it's not the same as it was with the other woman and I regret it now. He just doesn't understand or know any better right now."

It is really hard even for the most well-adjusted person to take rejection. Taking it on such a regular basis is emotionally draining. I have such good friends. I really do. I know I am blessed. But it doesn't change a thing when it comes to feeling unloved and lonely.

I wish I knew how to change this for me. I wish I had more activities I liked to do and could afford to do and could go out and meet whomever it is that I was put on earth to couple up with. I wish I didn't feel lonely and sad. But I do. I have my work but even with that it is not enough for me. My heart is missing something. My soul is missing something. I don't need someone else to make me happy. It's not that. This feeling is more like one of losing a part of your body. Something that should be there is not and you compensate but it never feels quite correct.

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