"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Friday, March 28, 2008

In Too Deep Sometimes

This blog has always been my place to share as much as I feel I can online about my personal dating life. I have made some awesome online friends through doing this. If it hasn't been evident by many of my posts...the past few months have been pretty darn tough for me. I have been seeking answers to my 'mistakes' and posting my journey, good bad or ugly right here.

I am aware that for whatever reason, I am a very deep person. The friendships I choose often turn into very deep ones quickly and I share a lot of my deep dark ugly fears and thoughts with those people, seeking help from them, in hopes that they will be able to show me a way out of my sadness or anger from my experiences.

This is not to say I am not a happy person, because often I am. But in truth, most of us need our friends in our deepest darkest moments not the happy ones.

When it comes to men and dating I confess I am extremely confused. Things are not as they used to be when I was younger. When I was MUCH younger I used to meet nice men. Obviously the relationships didn't work out for one reason or another. We parted ways and that was that. For a short period of time in my adult life I ended up in rather abusive situations with men and those relationships I ended of course. Some of those were physical and others were emotionally abusive. I never acted out from those situations.

There have only been two men in my life that have hurt me so badly that my emotions have completely spilled over...and that I have thought about after the break up. One I loved deeply and for which it took me years to recover from the break up and one was more recently whom I have written about here. Both relationships and endings have made me question myself on a daily basis, my wrongs, rights, thoughts, actions, steps, misteps etc...and it is a bit of a torture to be honest.

I am not always proud of my thoughts or actions. Sometimes I have purposely said things to hurt the other person back. I regret those moments deeply. I regret my hurt and anger and my lack of control in those moments.

I am so unsure of myself and often do not believe in myself enough to make good choices. This might sound stupid to some of you. The truth is that there is no way to know if a choice will bring a good or bad outcome, but I have been so dedicated to the idea that if I seek advice from my friends before I do anything or say anything I can avoid any bad action or outcome that I have probably taxed the shit out of many of you. So if you are one of those people reading this today please know in my heart I am deeply sorry and regretful if that is where our friendship is.

It's hard living in my head. It's very hard! But I am working on things.

I saw this article (below) online today and thought it was appropriate to share with my posted topic today.

I'd like to believe I am still redeemable.

This following part of this post is from the following site.

By Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski

What the kosher laws tell us about how to treat 'lost causes'
“This is what you shall not eat . . . the camel . . . but its hoof is not split . . . the hyrax . . . its hoof will not split . . . the hare . . . its hoof was not split.” — Lev. 11:4-6

This portion of the Torah enumerates the kosher and non-kosher animals. In the English-language translation of the Hebrew Bible, all of the three above verses are translated as ''its hoof is not split.'' However, in the Hebrew, three tenses are used: ''is not split, will not split, was not split.'' This cannot be without significance.

Although the Torah is speaking about the non-kosher animals which we must reject, there is a message for us regarding our relationship with people, said Rabbi Yisroel of Salant.
We can reject something only if there is no hope whatsoever of any redemption. As objectionable as a person's present behavior may be, if he had a respectable heritage, i.e., family roots of decent people, we should realize that he undoubtedly has a nucleus of fine character traits within him, which can be unearthed and nurtured.

Even if one lacks such a heritage, there is always the possibility that one may change in the future. There are countless instances of people who have made major lifestyle changes, even late in their lives. Rejection can be justified only if there is no redeeming feature either in the past, present or future.

Since such criteria can never be met, there are no grounds for ever rejecting anyone.
There are times, or course, when a person's improper behavior warrants a modicum of rejection, but even then the rejection should not be absolute. The Talmud is critical even of the prophet Elisha for totally rejecting his errant servant, Gehazi. If distancing someone is called for, ''One should always push aside with the left (i.e., weaker) hand and attract with the right (i.e., stronger) hand'' (Sotah 16a).

The force of attraction should exceed the force of rejection.

Rabbi Yisroel of Salant was the father of the Mussar movement, which calls for highly ethical behavior. Yet he states that although we must denounce improper behavior, we should always look for redeeming features that will enable us to salvage even the most sinful person.

1 comment:

candace said...

Sometimes you work so damn hard I think you might tend to over analyze at times and create some difficulty or conflict that might or might not even really exist.

However, that being said, I have never known or met anyone who works harder on improving herself than you do, Lauren.

No one even comes close.