"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

How TO Date Men?

I heard about two books today that I thought I would share with you.

How to Date Men: Dating Secrets from America's Top Matchmaker
by Janis Spindel
How to Marry a Fabulous Man
by Pari Livermore

I haven't bought the books so I can't give you my opinion on the content. So I ask if any of you have read the books or have friends that have read either book to please POST YOUR COMMENTS and let the rest of us know if they are worth buying.

Pari Livermore was on the Today show during the 10 o'clock hour eastern. I listened to what she had to say and it made sense to me. I realized I made some mistakes in the last situation from the start. I have never been a game player but I guess I have to learn as a means to an end.

My question to all of you is this: at what point does this silly crap get to stop? I let this man pursue me. I did my best putting him off with his extremely demanding ways. After a few dates don't I get to relax just a little with this stuff?

I've always heard that if a man wants to see you after three dates he is interested in you. So to the male readers of this blog I welcome your comments 10 fold. Please tell us what we should be seeing from men that will let us know that after three dates he is still interested in us. AND let us know what we should NOT do or say at this point ESPECIALLY if he is interested in us and we are still interested in him.

What are appropriate first and second date questions to be asked of us? I pose my question to you in this way because from the second and third date with the last guy I felt completely grilled. It felt like I was in a corporate interview only the questions were about defending my life. I was asked questions like, "What did you used to do? Why don't you do it anymore?" Was this a therapy session or a date is what I kept thinking. It felt like this man wanted to jump from step A to Z by the third time I saw him and that he was looking for weaknesses to disqualify me.

I wanted to talk about what he liked: hip-hop karaoke, star wars, any music or movies. I wanted to be sharing those activities with him and laughing together or sharing thoughts on those subjects together. You know, keeping it light and fun. Isn't that what it should be in the beginning and then you build to the rest of the stuff? Am I wrong about this?


Perplexio said...

I can't speak for all men, but honestly on the first date we're generally just as nervous as you are. We aren't being ourselves, not because we don't want to, but because we're just too nervous to. We're overly self-conscious and thus somewhat reserved. Therefore you're getting, at best, a "muted" version of what we're really like and at worst, you're getting a bumbling fool tripping over his own words trying to make a good first impression. It's true that we never get a 2nd chance to make a first impression, but sometimes it's nice to get a chance to make a 2nd impression as we're generally more comfortable on the 2nd date.

Often on the 2nd or 3rd date (depending on how well or poorly the the first date went) we're testing our dates. Pushing buttons and what not, seeing how the date reacts.

Also keep in mind, that whether or not they want to admit it, as guys get older we hear a ticking clock as well. Older guys are more apt to "grill you" than younger guys who haven't yet started to feel that pressure and fear of being alone. Therefore they try to pack a lifetime's worth of questions into the 2nd and 3rd date. The fact that this last guy grilled you tells me he was/is desperate. He wants to find not just a mate but the RIGHT one and he wants to find her fast. No time for small talk, time for the big questions... *bam*bam*bam*. If you answer them wrong, he doesn't want to waste any further time with you, time to move on and find someone who does... rinse and repeat.

And yes it should be light and a bit more relaxed in the beginning, if it's not that's generally a good warning sign to cut and run before things get too crazy.

Perplexio said...

PS: I found an old blog posting that goes into greater detail how us blokes are wired.

See also the movie High Fidelity with John Cusack (or read the Nick Hornby novel that the film was based on). It's a dangerous book for the ladies to read because it gives away so many of our "guy secrets." Why we do what we do and what not...

Lauren said...

Perplexio: I read your post and love it. I guess I am just stuck in the stage of "I wish." I wish the last man I dated understood the things you wrote.

Unfortunately, although he begged me to give him a chance to prove he really wanted more, the truth was the opposite and I am kicking myself in the ass for giving him the chance. I am still licking my wounds and I am not proud of this fact.

So where is the guy for me that will accept my granny panties along with the pretty ones too?

Perplexio said...

There are a lot of guys who want that, it's just that many of them don't realize that that's what they want (at least not initially).

If a guy seems concerned about his future and seems to plan ahead, there's a good chance that he may have reached the stage where he realizes he wants more than just a pretty face-- he wants the pretty face with the great personality will still be there after the pretty face is lined with wrinkles and that beautiful flaxen hair has turned to a grey or white.

If the guy is still stuck on the here and now, chances are he hasn't reached that point yet. Or worse yet, if he's too much of a nostalgia buff, chances are he's still pining over the past (and possibly a past love whose shadow you'll never live up to because he has her on much too high a pedestal for anyone to ever come close to climbing).

Barbara (aka Layla) said...

Perplex, if all men were as wonderful as you Lauren and I would not have to look far to find one suitable for either of us.