"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

You Never Know How You Can Impact Someone For The Better

Well as you all know I started this blog after a very short yet impactful relationship. Over the last six or so weeks I too have thought a lot about my lessons and what this person brought to me, inspired in me for me and I learned a lot about myself. I will write about them in the next few days.

While I probably should not be reading his blog anymore I snuck a peek and here is what was learned from the other party:

"Romantically, one of the benefits of my new fitter body and healthier state has been a significant impact on my dating life, yet my focus has always been on the quantity and not the quality of relationships. While that has been exciting, I'm done with that for 2008 and intend to remain single for a while. Nothing inspires less desire for a new relationship than the ending of the last one, and I'm clearly not ready to make room for someone in my life just yet. "

While I completely and purposely omitted details about the ongoings in that relationship, one of them he alludes to in his post and so I will elaborate. While I had made it VERY clear that I was looking for monogomy and building a relationship and was promised this, far too late "in the game" I was told to my face that I would not be given either, in a very vulnerable moment. I was told that flirting was too important to him as well as many other things. Not too long after I decided I needed to get out of this relationship because there was no honesty or trust and I deserved better.

For the first time in my life I actually confronted the offending behavior in a calm manner and said exactly what I felt needed to be said. To my great shock, he sat there quietly as I ticked off:

  • that it wasn't ok with me to tell me he would not offer monogamy after we began sleeping together
  • that he had an obligation to state his intentions and wants from the first date, not weeks later
  • that I would never stay in a relationship just for sex AND that as he pointed out I was a beautiful woman and I could have sex with my pick of partners and as a guy he could not and that is just the simple fact of the matter
  • that I listened to his reasons for breaking up with long-term partners in the past and asked myself just as he did if he would make a good husband and father (his reasons I will not share but showed lack of character) and I did not feel he was marriage material, that I wanted my children to be able to show love freely and that I didn't think he could lead by example
  • that I saw he had logged into his JDate account the Tuesday of that very week, the very night I was at his home providing a holistic service to him (that I normal charge a lot of money to my clients for) and that I put my blood sweat and tears into and that we seemed to have such a great time together that night and realized that nothing would make him happy enough to offer me a stable relationship, that I didn't think he had it in him even if we worked out some other issues which I am not going to continue listing in this post because I think you all get the drift and it seems he did too

Seeing in print his admittance of his desire for quantity and not quality is doubled edged of course. In a way of course it stings. But I also know that in no way was the lack of quality due to me. I made it clear when I realized what really was being given that I would take no part in it. And you have to give at least a kudos to him for realizing he is not ready to give it to anyone ...that he has some work to do on his own too.

I spent the last two years working on myself as I have mentioned in previous posts and I am ready for something more substantial. I have gone through many stages of thought after this relationship and I finally feel free! I feel ready. I have learned many lessons I never realized I had to learn and I am grateful that this man brought me the opportunity to learn with him so that I can bring a more evolved Lauren to the next and hopefully last and life-long relationship I have with a man.

and he also said this about me:

"Having recently met an extraordinarily faithful person, I'm in awe of what her beliefs provide her and wonder if I might find me some of that too if I were to actually start looking for it."

What more can I say? I am a person of faith and it was nice to see me described this way. I spoke about it often because I was asked about it often. I do not believe in imposing my views of faith on others. I do my best to lead by example. Perfect I ain't! But I try my very best.

I remember telling this man that "they" are screaming at him because he is making it hard for "them" to help him. I tried to explain listening to the messages we are all given every day. It is that little voice or gut feeling, some call it intuition, that you have always heard about that tells you to do something or not. Have you ever noticed when you don't listen things don't go so well for you? And when you do listen things just seem to go more smoothly?

The night before I broke up with him I asked for guidance just before I went to sleep. In my dreams I was given the following words to say, which I did, "I can't keep doing this with you, you just don't treat me right." I heard these words over and over and they were the first words and thoughts that came to me as I woke up. And I knew it had to be done, that I could not keep running from the inevitable.

Some people get their messages in their gut, others get a word that comes to mind and others get a song or song lyrics that guide them. All you have to do is listen. It is that simple. That is what I told him and now all of you.

I welcome your stories of listening to the messages you have received over the years...those strange, odd but uncanny stories in your life. Please share with me on the comments section of this post.

I hope you all had a wonderful visit from Santa and that no one was left coal!

Love, light, and peace.

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