"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Hard Decisions And Lessons Learned

After spending my Friday night up late watching YouTube looking for some comic relief (which I shared with you below) it's back to business. As promised I am going to share with you what I learned from the last relationship I had. Afterall, every relationship IS a lesson.

I learned more about my own boundaries and comfort level. I learned that when pushed to move too fast I will lose my balance and fall. I learned that I have to slow down and be with a partner that will allow me to go at my pace. I learned that if the other person cannot hear "I don't know" from me that it has to be their problem and not mine and that I cannot be forced to always have an answer, the right answer and to do the right thing on a dime.

I learned that even when you are the dumper it still hurts. It's a different kind of hurt but it hurts nonetheless. And of course while I would still rather be the dumper in all situations, if someone MUST be dumped, I choose no dumping at all if the universe would allow.

I learned that it felt good to say my truth to the dumpee and that it gave me satisfaction to give him a taste of his own medicine, which I believe he is still tasting the after taste of to this day. I learned that it felt good to rattle off a list of his misgivings and faults, not with malice but just as a matter of fact. I learned that if felt good to see him feel the hurt he made me feel.

I learned that I feel bad knowing that I could feel good making this other person feel hurt. I learned that I often feel guilty for feeling this way and that there is another side of me that feels terribly bad about it. I learned that that side is just a little stronger than the mean side of me. I learned that I could detach from the results and send communication apologizing for making wrong decisions and wishing I knew at the time how to do things better and that I wished for second chances now that I can see things from new perspectives.

I learned that while leaving someone who isn't treating you right is the right thing to do, I still miss and mourn the company of that person.

I learned that I do not have to be perfect and that I deserve to be with a partner who will treat me with respect even in the face of disagreements.

I learned that it isn't the disagreements that are really the issue in a relationship but the way we react to them that determines if a partner is good for us or bad for us. I learned that if a person is hell bent on simply pointing out your mistakes and refuses to hear what you really meant, and not necessarily how he took it to mean, then that person is not the right person for you. I learned that if the only thing they can say is "this is how it lands for me" and are not interested in hearing what your intent was and your sincerest apologies for the misunderstandings then it is time to leave no matter how hard or sad you will be at the loss of this person's company.

I learned that I need to honor my boundaries more and go slower, think longer before I say and act upon the situation presenting itself.

I learned that when pushed beyond my limits to do something the other person wants that does not feel right for me, the spiteful part of me will rear it's ugly head. And I learned I do not like this part of me at all.

I have learned to look below the surface more. I have learned that hearing "flirting is a big problem for me" really means that "I have self esteem issues and need constant validation that I am attractive and wanted by the opposite sex." I have learned that when someone is saying and living these words it is not a reflection on me and that I do not want to play the role of therapist and that it is time for me to move on.

1 comment:

Barbara (aka Layla) said...

You learned a lot and some very valuable lessons! Read this post often to remind yourself cause if you're like me, you may easily forget when "distracted".