"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Tuesday, December 4, 2007


It wasn't that I wanted to change him - but that he wanted to change me. You see I had walked through a door that once passed through, there is no going back. To paraphrase the author Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Love, Pray) , I cracked a few years ago. Most people need to hit that bottom, or crack because it is that crack that allows the light to shine in.

I have learned and live that I no longer feel the need to justify my feelings, explain why or how I decided to feel or live a certain way.

I just wanted to curl up with him and BE. He needed to inquire of me "why"? And the "whys" felt more like an inquiry to find out WHY things in my past didn't work. He wanted me to explain my failures. Perhaps he did this because he didn't understand his own. It always felt like I had to justify the last two-years of my life, the journey I took and all the things that led me to that path. It was exhausting. How do you explain "wanting to be"?

If I didn't give it to him how dare I, after all "I am trying to get to know you. How else can I know you?" And in my gut I could feel how he hords the details away.

My instincts were confirmed with a conversation over Thai food where I learned some damning reasons for breaking up with a woman he loved. I omit those details because that is his story not mine.

After hearing that from him, I knew it was a good thing that I didn't give too many details about my past (mistakes). And the truth is that for me, I feel I am on my fourth life in this lifetime. It is like the old Lauren has died three time before. It is hard for me to relate to my own past self. And I see no need to talk in detail about my past with someone I meet in the present. I did my best to convey this to this man. This is a hard thing to do with someone who still must have answers to everything and whose mind just cannot be still.

I look back now and just as I write this post it is hitting me hard and heavy that this man wanted so much so soon yet absolutely refused to give to me even the slightest bit of himself at all, "because it was too soon". He failed to see that the things he wanted are given once a commitment is made to the other person and don't just spill out but come out through love and trust that is built over time.

Had he only just let both of us BE!

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