"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Monday, December 17, 2007

If You Dated A Narcissistic Emotionally Unavailable Man

Repeat after me:

I deserve someone who will respect me and make me feel good about myself... even in the face of disagreements

This wise mantra was posted today in the
comment section. Please read the full comment. Although it was written to me I know it will apply to all of you who have been in a similar situation.

We (women) spend a lot of time upset and complaining about the hurt we feel from men that treat us this way. We need to realize that there is another way and that we alone can stop this pattern of emotional abuse by simply not getting involved with them!

Here is what Healthline says about
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
(some of my experiences listed to show some real life examples)
A person with narcissistic personality disorder:

Reacts to criticism with feelings or rage, shame, or humiliation (I heard "I just have a short fuse")
Takes advantage of others to achieve own goals
Has feelings of self-importance
(demanded via email and text my full attention, but if I asked via email or text where he was after hours of silence after I sent a questions via email or text I heard "I am not at your beck and call!)
Exaggerates achievements and talents
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love (could not go to dinner at certain places because HE had this or that type of food that week and it would not be healthy for his body...-- never asked me what I had, what I wanted, what would be best for me. The mere suggestion I would make was already interpreted as not understanding him and his needs. See why I left DTM post for the breakfast story which gives a clear example of fantasies about intelligence as well as ideal love ie: I'll love you if you do this but not that syndrome.)
Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
Requires constant attention and admiration
(demanded before meeting him in person I tell him my last name and pouted and bullied me when I did not want to reveal this. did the same with asking me for more photos of myself before meeting. it was always tell me what I want to know or else. Upon the first date as I was being kissed and he had touched my hair, I was told "you don't want to touch my head?"...in other words I wasn't admiring him as he thought I should)
Lacks empathy (too many to list)

One important aspect of NPD that should be noted is that it does not prevent people from occupying, as well as aspiring to, positions of power, wealth, and prestige. Many people with NPD, as Kernberg's classification makes clear, are sufficiently talented to secure the credentials of success. In addition, narcissists' preoccupation with a well-packaged exterior means that they often develop an attractive and persuasive social manner. Many high-functioning narcissists are well liked by casual acquaintances and business associates who never get close enough to notice the emptiness or anger underneath the polished surface.

The signs were there. I have to accept responsibility for my part in ignoring them. I tried to tell myself that I was giving the benefit of the doubt.


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