"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Sunday, June 8, 2008


What say you? What exactly is that title all about?

Well I will tell ya folks! Much to my own surprise I am a 34D NOT a 38B! I think I would make Olga very very proud!

So here's how today's venture started out. Me running VERY VERY late to pick up Sarah for my bra fitting appointment at 2:30 today.

I leave my apartment around 1:20 sending a text to Sarah saying see you in about 15 minutes. I get all the way downstairs and realize I am such a shmuck because I forgot my bridesmaid dress for the fitting.

Text to Sarah again: I am a shmuck, 4got dress, am back in my apt.

Sarah to me: LOL it's ok.

I finally get going. I am driving on the Grand Central Parkway and I think I am being so smart to get out of the lane that is always backed up to get onto the L.I.E. Smart smart Lauren! HAHAHA on me. (I was supposed to take the L.I.E.)

I have the radio turned to 1010wins and they give the traffic report. They remind us to stay away from the Upper East Side today because of the Puerto Rican Day Parade.

I pick up the phone and illegally call Sarah. This is how my conversation goes:

"Holy mother of g-d! Did you know it was the Puerto Rican Day Parade when you made this appointment!!!! I should have remembered since it is always the Sunday around my birthday." [LOUD BREATHY SIGH}

"Sarah no I didn't." (very calmly I might add) She started to say something else but this is what shot out of my mouth next:

" I am almost near.....OH MY G-D! I am so stupid! HOLY SHIT! I went the wrong way to your home. I am so stupid!!!!! SHIT SHIT SHIT!"

Now mind you it was over 90 degrees today. I am getting old, 37 on TUESDAY [shameless plug] and my boobs were killing me today from PMS.

Sarah:"Calm down. It's no big deal"

Lauren:"I am fine. Really I am. I just realized in the moment what a big mistake I made. I am ok."

So well I figured out an alternative route to her home. But a trip that should have taken me 20 minutes took an additional 20 just to get to her. She and I called and text each other along the way.

Text to Sarah: I left my brain...

Next text to Sarah: @ home. I blame the heat.

Next text to Sarah: I figured out how to get to you.

And well some calls inbetween
I am sure you get the jist!

And even though Sarah was up until 2am since she was out drinking last night, she was cool calm and collected and didn't care I was late. THANKS!!!!!!! :-)

When I arrived she gave me an early birthday present, this purple dragon fly. She knows I love the color purple. It lives in my car. It's funny and I like it!

It was really hard to park because of this parade.

My car is parked where this hydrant used to be. This parade has the LARGEST turnout of any parade and finding parking was hard and many streets are blocked off because of it. I believe there are more Puerto Rican's living in NYC than on the actual island of Puerto Rico.
Someone stole ONE hubcap a few months ago. It's kind of like having all your nails polished except for one.

On our way to the specialty bra shop, where I was promised they would fit me for a bra properly, we passed many interesting people celebrating their cultural heritage. This girl noticed me taking her picture and wasn't that happy but didn't cause me any trouble.

Last you saw me in my Carrie's Friday Foto Finish Post, you will have noticed that my girls were sagging. Carrie commented that they needed to be upfront and center I believe. Here is the second best bra I tried on today. Not so bad and I almost bought it. The girl in the background is Mary and she helped fit me. Poor thing, actually had to look at my naked cow utter breasts. She swears they aren't that bad and she has seen MUCH MUCH worse and that I exaggerate.

Here's me in the bra(s) I bought. Cleary you can see the lift is SOOOO much better. TADAAAAA!!! Almost as good as when I was in my 20's!

Here's the name of the bra that I bought. In this designer's bra I am a 34 D. Whoooohooo!

This is how they wrap it up. So pretty!

And the pretty bag they put it in.

And this is Sarah, sporting her new glasses for me as I dropped her off at her home.
She is so photogenic and I am jealous.
In the photos of me you can see I am hot and splotchy and sweaty. Not Sarah. Pretty as can be.
Thanks Sarah for all your help!


Drowsey Monkey said...

First, Happy Birthday! I forgot to say that in the other post.

And second ... your life's like a Seinfeld sitcom too! HAHAHA, omg, that's too funny ... running into a parade!

Now...important stuff. Damn girl, that bra is fantabulous! Woohoo!

Lauren said...

Drowsey, Thanks! And back at ya on the Happy Birthday.

Yes, and on Seinfeld it was also the PR Day Parade. HA! I forgot all about that!

That bra better be fantabulous and hold up (no pun intended) because I paid a lot of cash for them. For a short waisted girl, having her Titas sag isn't such a good thing. Now I look like I have a torso again. It's about time!

Carrie said...

I agree with Drowsey Monkey, you are living Seinfeld's life and I love me some Jerry. Going that route, nice to see you didn't get the manbro.

You went to Puerto Rico to get a bra? Does your mother know that!

I am so glad you've got the girls up where they belong ... did Rita Coolidge sing that song directly to you ... so lift us up where we belong!

I can't believe how awesome those puppies look. You had no business confining them in such a cruel manner. Wear 'em high and proud.

This has got to be my favorite post of all ... we are in the middle of storms and tornado warnings and my computer is going to get shut down in a minute but I am risking all my information to tell you that a "wise old woman" in Wisconsin is very proud of you and your girls right now!

Lauren said...

Carrie, Take cover, don't get hurt on account of me...even though my boobs are gynormous I don't think they are enough shelter to weather tornados. Let us know how you all make out from your storms. Pretty scary.

AND you are making me LMAO and practically pee...just as I hid my new kitten I will hide my trip to PR from her too. What happens in PR stays in PR.

If I could figure out how to attach a song to a post I would have the song you suggest playing in the background. Hmmm anyone reading know how to do that with blogger? THAT is hysterical.

Thanks for the amazing compliment on my pups!

Carrie said...

Oh we survived the storm alright. We lost a couple of very tall trees that are caught hanging up in the branches of other very tall trees. Our driveway has branch in it that is as big as a small tree but we are all just fine.

Too bad you weren't here, we could have all huddled in your recently discovered cleavage!

Lauren said...

Carrie, Glad to know all are safe...especially that toad! Yes, newly discovered but still not large enough for that amount of shelter! HAHA!

Gypsy said...

Oooh I really must get fitted myself. Maybe I can turn my C's into E's. Your puppies look awesome and I promise I'm not cracking on to you :)

Lauren said...

Gypsy, Thanks for the compliment. Let us know what size you end up too!!