"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Seminar I Went To This Week On "Understanding Men"

I went to a free seminar which I have decided not to give the full title. Basically they are selling the idea that they have all the answers for women to understand men and they do a similar seminar where they market it with the word "satisfying" for the male counterpart to the women's seminar.

Here's the first issue I have with this: SATISFYING in their title. Let me tell you something from my recent experience, THIS is all the men are really interested in when they go to these functions. Learning how to perform sex better.

For all the male readers that stop by (and I love each and every one of you) let me save you all the money you might spend on one of these things and tell you right now, if you are taking care of me or any women EMOTIONALLY you are going to automatically experience better sex with us. IT IS THAT SIMPLE!!!!

Now before you start writing to me that my girlfriend has a physical problem blah blah...I am not taking into consideration medical issues.

Men: If you are going to take these classes with the INTENT on really understanding how women think and feel so you can communicate better with us and not to use it as a tool to manipulate I am all for this. Unfortunately I just didn't experience this with DTM.

One of the reasons I wanted to sign up for this seminar was because I knew that these people went into his cult and gave this same lecture. I wanted to understand some of the words and actions I had perpetrated..achem I mean experienced upon me a few months back. It was bewildering.

What I can tell you I got from this experience this week was that although I did not approve of the things DTM participated in nor the way he went about things with me at all, there were some things he was desperately trying to tell me, with this language they use and teach, and I just didn't understand it at all. In fact when he was trying to tell me he was really into me I was hearing something very different.

The speaker started out telling us straight off the bat the following and funny enough this is exactly how my "relationship" with DTM started out as well. Hmmmm

Men are reacting to women and we can inspire the behavior we want.

They keyword is inspire. After a few hours with DTM where to be honest I was on the fence and a little baffled by some things I saw, but charmed by his affection, we took a walk together. It was still warm out although it was October. On that walk he turned to me and said "you inspire me." HUH?

in·spire verb, -spired, -spir·ing. –verb (used with object)
1.to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence: His courage inspired his followers.
2.to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.): to inspire confidence in others.
3.to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.: to inspire a person with distrust.
4.to influence or impel: Competition inspired her to greater efforts.
5.to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does: They were inspired by a belief in a better future.
6.to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence: writings inspired by God.
7.to guide or control by divine influence.
8.to prompt or instigate (utterances, acts, etc.) by influence, without avowal of responsibility.
9.to give rise to, bring about, cause, etc.: a philosophy that inspired a revolution.
10.to take (air, gases, etc.) into the lungs in breathing; inhale.
a.to infuse (breath, life, etc.) by breathing (usually fol. by into).
b.to breathe into or upon. –verb (used without object)
12.to give inspiration.
13.to inhale.

Here's the problem I have with this word, used in this way, to me, implies that I am responsible for the other person's feelings.

Notice I wasn't told, you inspire me to ____. Or I never thought about what you said that way. Your words inspire me to ____. (fill in the blank) Just you inspire me. I really see a difference.

Now of course they taught him this catch phrase and what he probably meant was very different than how I understand this word to mean. And me being me, well, I said something about this. I am sure looking back this made him feel confused and well...you can figure out the rest. BUT he should have had some understanding and compassion for me not understanding his lingo. He took classes that clearly he knew I did not. He could have chosen to be kind to me and communicate what he meant. He did not. He just got hurt and kept it to himself. BOO HOO!

Continuing on...this seminar continues to teach the packed roomful of women that men respond to us. Again, placing responsibility on us for how men behave. I just do not like this. I find this completely backassed and archaic.

Yes, men respond to us and we also respond to them. DUH! And when I am with friends they respond to me and I respond to them. I do not see key information here to help me.

The missing link is learning how to be more understanding of one another and communicate better, not blame or put responsibility on the opposite sex for our feelings and reactions. The last I checked I was a grown women who owned her thoughts and actions, miscommunications and learned and adjusted. I don't throw my mistakes onto the other person. I am angry when someone mistreats me and I will call him out for it but I do not blame him for my feelings and reactions.

So Presenter goes on to tell us that in order to get a guy to want us we have to first understand that he has a type. If we aren't it no matter what move on. OK I AGREE!

Getting past that reality we are to be:

self-confident -check
authentic, tell him who we are and what we want - check (DID THAT!)
be passionate, men love a woman with passion any passion doesn't matter -check (SO HAVE THAT AND SHOWED IT)
Be receptive, men like to show us how they like us with gifts, little or big (she says we have been taught to be self sufficent and not to be selfish and we think we should not accept gifts to show men we aren't out for their money etc... and this is the opposite of what a guy needs to hear when offering a gift) --OK I can accept that --CHECK

Re: being receptive...out of the blue DTM buys me a book for a class I am taking, that I absolutely cannot find and wants to come over to give it to me just after our first date. I had just moved to my new home, had to clean up and clear up etc...I was extremely thankful and appreciative for this book. I even told him how kind and thoughtful I thought it was and that it was one of the nicest things a guy has done for me, and his shitty response was, "As long as you don't expect it from me."


The other part of this receptivity is that men want to be received as they are. DUH! I always do this to the point of putting myself behind him. And you know what..tough titas, because I am not stroking this ego bullshit anymore. I will always accept a man as he is because I can only control me and change me.. But he has to be willing to accept me for who I am as well and not make me responsible for his bad behavior or bad feelings.

Now here's the ironic part. She then tells us that "trying to please a man will kill our sexual energy" and that doing this will show lack of confidence and he will pick up on this and if he was attracted to us he probably will lose that attraction.

Right! So I am now getting a mixed story from this presenter...at least this is how I see this information. He is responding to me as a woman, reacting to me as a women right? So I need to be receptive to his ego and gifts and how he is speaking to me but I should not try to please him. SAY WHAT???????????????????

I see some validity in parts of the information. I just also see a lot of holes.

Truth is that I have been a pleaser. It gives me pleasure to do so. But I HAVE NOTICED that this is not always understood the right way. I have even written about this a bit on my blog. So here's how it is gonna be from now on...a guy will shower me with attention. If he starts to play games with that attention, as did DTM to test me he is going to hear the following:

Hey ____. Here's how things are going to be. I am too busy and have too much going for me. I will stick around if you give me the attention I deserve. If not I won't pay you any mind. In fact my life is so busy I will probably forget you exist. If you care about me and want me in your life you'll have to make yourself present, front and center. Got it?!
(OK maybe not that harshly but it will be said.)

I did learn and I know I am guilty of the following:
When a guy I am dating does something I as a women would not do, I am thinking immediately what a stupid asshole, moron. And then I start to second guess myself and then my self confidence goes in the toilet and I react to this insecurity and he senses it immediately and he then becomes less compelled.

I gotta tell you on this one I think she was dead on and I know the point in which this began for me with DTM. However, he was playing too many games and so no matter what this would never have worked with us. But for this particular issue I accept MY RESPONSIBILITY!

There were two more parts to this seminar and I will write about them later. With that post I will have questions that I ask my male readers to please respond to on the comments. Let's help each other learn and grow and be happier in the relationships we are all living.


Robert said...

question..why do people have to take seminars and read articles,study etc. etc. something that should come naturally..I am just as guilty of this..three simple things are needed...attraction,communication,understanding...there..I should start charging outrageous amounts for that maybe more people will listen..:))))

Gypsy said...

Hi Lauren
Sounds like an interesting seminar and yet most of it seems like good old common sense too. There are many aspects to a relationship and whether it will or won't work and if often comes down to the two people involved. What may be true for some is not true for others and so on. Basically if you treat people, and by people I mean men and women, with dignity, consideration and respect, you are well on your way to having if not a good relationship, at least a good friendship. That of course is just my opinion though.

Perplexio said...

Bloody hell, these seminars only complicate things further.

We men are rather simple beings. Our favorite activities are sex, eating, and then X (x varies from man to man-- for some it's watching sports, for some it's reading the Wall Street Journal).

You can win a man over via his tastebuds and stomach and common interests... Satisfying his libido will only win him over temporarily... Some guys realize this, some guys don't. And it's the guys who don't realize this that you have to watch out for and generally steer clear of (unless you're up for a "project", because teaching such a guy about the fleeting nature of sexual chemistry would certainly be a project).

Lauren said...

OK Darrin. Please then give us the 5 words or phrases as you seem to be on to something very key here!!!