"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Sunday, February 10, 2008

This One's For The Girls

I learned a new catch phrase at this seminar this past week. It's called "trying you on."

Here's what this is. You're out with a guy, dating him, short or long-term, doesn't matter, he turns to you and asks you or says to you:

Do you like to ski?
Do you like the beach?
My mother would love that you are Jewish/Catholic etc.

This is trying you on. He is thinking outloud. NOTHING MORE. In the terms this group uses this DOES mean he is "charmed and enchanted" and he wants to picture you in those settings with him.

However, unless you hear an actual date used, such as, "Would you like to go skiing with me on March 8?" or "I'd like you to meet my mother. Are you available this Saturday to go visit her?" he is ONLY "charmed and enchanted" and is NOT making any plans with you, is not even thinking about the future at all. He is simply verbalizing a fantasy. Pretend you never heard it from him.

Funny how men rarely verbalize and yet when they do, they do this... which of course is going to make any woman think he is thinking seriously about us. I am sorry to dissapoint any of the male readers on this next thought but it just seems like common sense to me that if you are speaking out loud about this kind of thing you have to expect that a woman is going to think you are telling her you see a future with her. But I will accept the new information I have been given and move forward accordingly.

So I impart this new information on my female readers and I hope this helps you at some point.

And for the male readers may I PLEASE request that you stop "trying us on" outloud and only do this when you have decided you truly are serious about the woman you are with and want to have a future with us?


Barbara said...

Good info! I have had guys do this to me time and time again. Its a great tip for women AND men.

Anonymous said...

Let us not cast all in the same bucket here..I do protest..maybe he is just trying to find out if you have similar interests..which is something I do.."trying you on" is not always the case..how else do you find out about someone with out asking questions....the hard part is sorting out the game playing from someone who is interested..

Perplexio said...

Actually I have to take some exception to this... "Trying you on" is a guy's way of looking for common interests. And if you have similar interests and he can picture the two of you doing the things he's asking about then he is likely to stick around longer to see if there's chemistry and whether or not he wants to pursue things further and to see whether or not you're the person he wants to be in that mental picture with him.

Lauren said...

Darrin, There's no exeption needed. That is the point the presenter was teaching. It only means as you said. But women hear it differently. We hear it as you are making future plans with us and telling us you already see us in those moments with you, not "trying to see us" in those moments with you. Understand?

Perplexio said...

Gotcha. Unfortunately, given the way men think... the way we're wired to think... "trying you on" is a necessary evil. If a guy can't picture you in those settings he's just wasting your time and his. It's better to figure that out early on before you're too emotionally invested than later on. It then frees both of you up to find people that better match what both parties are looking for.cc

Lauren said...

Darrin, here's my point that I really want to impart on the single men out there that are left. DON'T try us on out loud. It is a BAD BAD BAD way to communicate with women. It is riddled with miscommunication! Think these things to yourself.

I can tell you honestly that 99.44% of all women will go skiing with you, want to meet your mom, go to the beach or wherever you want if she has gone out with you past 3-4 dates. She is only going to give you her time past that point, unless you have clearly established you are having a sexual relationship only, that she sees good things in you, potential and is looking at you as a life-partner or long-term mate. You need not ask us these things unless you are ASKING us to actually partake in them with you.

With that said, having normal conversations about things you like or topics of the day should always be happening. Trying us on should NOT! It is just mixed signals galore!