"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Friday, April 18, 2008

From The New York Times: When the Ex Blogs, the Dirtiest Laundry Is Aired

When the Ex Blogs, the Dirtiest Laundry Is Aired

One in 10 adult internet users have a blog according to the Pew Internet and American Life Project.

Apparently I was not alone in starting my blog to help me digest the dissolution of my relationship with DTM. Mine was NOT a marriage...not even close, but the experience of the "relationship" was so traumatic to me that I had to find a way to express my thoughts, feelings, anger, disappointment etc. and I turned to blogging.

I talk a lot with Brian (who has written a wedding blessing post on this blog) and ask him for his guidance and advice about relationships and how and what he thinks about what is directly happening in my life. Brian and I go way back. I know him since I was a babe of 14. He is married now to a wonderful woman and has the most adorable little boy who is three years old.

It's interesting to hear his POV and always helpful. For this unmarried, looking in from the outside can be perplexing. I guess it is "that grass is always greener" thing for many singles, myself totally included.

Brian tells me stories about those we mutually know. I have learned about the short marriages, divorces, single mothers etc. that have happened. And he has shown me and helped me to be strong and comfortable with the path I have chosen.

In reading the article in the Times this morning I again realize how much I have avoided by choosing independence and singlehood for so long. Even with the turmoil I experienced with DTM and for those of you who know me longer than this blog exists, The Plant, I have completely escaped a failed marriage and kids to raise alone, the legal and financial issues that come along with that drama that could have been a part of my life, but isn't.

And I realize that I am happy. Am I happy all the time, every minute. NOPE. NO WAY. NOT POSSIBLE. But over all I am proud of the person I am, who I have become, who I will become and even for the sadder moments that were the lessons I needed to teach me all that I know and for all the lessons to come. Those harder moments can be excrutiating.

Feeling humiliated by DTM was absolutely emotionally excrutiating. But what I have gained from the experience far outweighs those horrible months I spent processing the confusion of the moments I spent with that person. And I am truly grateful for the lesson, now that I am on the other end.


Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I'm glad you learned from the experience. It seems like it still bothers you a lot since you bring it up. My hope for you is that you can move on from it soon and he becomes a faded memory.

Lauren said...

Hi Barbara, My point was more to show the lesson and the learning and the process...not so much anything else. Yes, I speak about it because it brings context. It is not healthy nor balanced to pretend things that bother us don't. Holistically we are taught to feel the feelings and live them, but do our best not to react to them. Writing is one way to work through this. It did bother me for a long time. I will never be ok with his actions towards me. But I learned and I am grateful for that. I had a nice date last night and will write about it soon. It is sure to give many of you at the very least a very good giggle about ME!