"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Monday, May 19, 2008

8 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Yahoo has an interesting link to an article about affair-proofing your marriage.

Normally I open these articles and it is full of fluff and junk and what I feel is obvious. Then I think "SHIT I could have written that and made a nice buck!"

Today however I actually thought this writer made some good points and explained her points WELL.

Out of the 8 the one that really popped out at me was the following:

2. Recognize the Drug: Depressives and addicts are especially prone to affairs because of the head rush that comes with infatuation. The spikes in dopamine and norepinephrine we experience upon connecting with someone new fools us into thinking that the sexy man or attractive woman at the bar holds the key to our nirvana and the end to our problems. This is the same as, say, the high from cocaine. Recognizing that that rush is not real, meaningful, or lasting, can help a married person to "just say no."

From experience as a single past mid-thirtysomething, THIS is the biggest problem out there when trying to date.

It seems to me that the ones that realize her number 2 are the ones coupled up or married and most of the ones left are chasing this high, addicted to it and unfortunately leave nice women like myself in a statistical position of being involved with way more men who put us in this position than we'd like and feeling for far too long, mistreated and hurt.

And this leaves the brain stressed.

The more stress we experience around these situations the harder it is for OUR brains to get away from the thoughts around it, expecting it again and it becomes a cyclical pattern, even if only in our minds, replaying the horrible feelings.

A recent Harvard study in pregnant women experiencing high levels of stress showed that the babies of these women had higher levels of immunoglobulin E or IgE — an immune system compound. "This further supports the notion that stress can be thought of as a social pollutant that, when 'breathed' into the body, may influence the body's immune response," Wright (Harvard researcher) said in a statement. They found children who had undergone maltreatment — such as maternal rejection, harsh discipline and sexual abuse — had twice the levels of inflammation in their blood even 20 years later.

The average 30-40 something single has been dating for 15-20 years. If a single person keeps experiencing such behavior and treatment over a prolonged period of time, hence at least one of the reasons why they have chosen to stay single rather than marrying someone with that behavior toward them, it can be easily concluded that their blood levels have higher immunoglobulin E too.

And perhaps that chemical level causes many to chase that high to feel better.

Well those are just my thoughts. Now I'd like to read yours.


Jessica said...

Everything she wrote is so true. I've been with the same guy for 11 years, and, like everything in life, it takes work. We have been through some pretty rough patches recently, but relationships grow and change, and we are working through it.
If I wrote about marriage I would have said the exact same things she said. Also, I would add... don't do things that you don't want to do just to make the other person happy. It's ok to a certain extent, but done too much (I don't care how nice of a person you are) and resentment will form.

So there you go. :)

Gypsy said...

I haven't read the whole article but the part you elaborated on actually made a lot of sense. The high you get from meeting someone new who gives you attention and makes you feel sexy and desirable is quite intoxicating especially if boredom and dissatisfaction has set in. Of course I am coming at it from being the married person but I never really considered how the actions of a married person in this situation may effect the object of their affection if they are single and hoping for something more genuine and real.

Great post and now I've said all that I am off to read the article concerned.

Lauren said...

Jessica, Thank you for your honest and intimate comments.

Gypsy, what an interesting perspective. I never even thought of it as a married coming onto a single person. But I know many friends who have been or are currently in that position. And yes, it is emotionally hard for them.

Wow you two gave me a lot to think about!

Carrie said...

I love my husband dearly. So, yes it is a lot of work. We will live happily ever after.

But at the end of the day, he is my drug. I need my fix. Yup, I can't wait to get to bed at night and snort up some of his freshly showered goodness and fall asleep with a tremendous high. I love my drug, my husband, my man.

Lauren said...

Carrie, Hope I can say the same thing someday soon!