Because I Say The Things You All Are Thinking

I'm probably a bit too much about self-inquiry. But the more I ask for points of reference the more I learn that all my friends and many of those I'm not friends with all have the same thoughts and feelings and insecurities as I do. The biggest difference between them and me is that I am vocal about it, I question, I speak and I write it here on my blog.

I've realized over the last few years that I am a perfectionist. And as such I wish that my output was perfection but I never feel even close to it. I beat myself up a lot about things that everyone else also experiences but for some reason I have always felt I was not allowed to experience...screw up or make mistakes.

But I'm working on it! I have some great bloggy friends and RL friends who are setting me straight and teaching me how to be kind to me about this stuff.

I recently (finally) met a guy I'm attracted to. I can't say if it will continue past this week, this day or not. I just know that it already tested a limit of mine and has made my head spin about myself. My insecurities are raging. This guy talks too damn much and I think too damn much. He's articulate and was so confident that it actually made me start to shake and pull back and not let go. I'm surprised at myself. I'm usually the bold one, the confident one, the hot head, the big mouth.

The most interesting thing is that this guy is extremely articulate and asks good questions in those moments however what he thinks is happening in my head is based upon his experiences with other women and lets face it, I'm not like most women. My hang ups are very different. I didn't hold back with him because of body issues (although he asked - and then awesomely told me about every part of me he liked and why!) I held back but could not tell him so, because I was faced with my own crossroads of what I want vs. what I am living and I couldn't make peace with it in that particular moment. And I just couldn't tell him. He sincerely wanted to know but I couldn't tell him and I found myself telling him that I liked him but he talks too damn much. He laughed. And I am positive he has been told this many times before.

I'm unsure if this will go past this very day. The ball is squarely in his court. I know I will not chase. And that is all I know.