"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Because I Say The Things You All Are Thinking

I'm probably a bit too much about self-inquiry. But the more I ask for points of reference the more I learn that all my friends and many of those I'm not friends with all have the same thoughts and feelings and insecurities as I do. The biggest difference between them and me is that I am vocal about it, I question, I speak and I write it here on my blog.

I've realized over the last few years that I am a perfectionist. And as such I wish that my output was perfection but I never feel even close to it. I beat myself up a lot about things that everyone else also experiences but for some reason I have always felt I was not allowed to experience...screw up or make mistakes.

But I'm working on it! I have some great bloggy friends and RL friends who are setting me straight and teaching me how to be kind to me about this stuff.

I recently (finally) met a guy I'm attracted to. I can't say if it will continue past this week, this day or not. I just know that it already tested a limit of mine and has made my head spin about myself. My insecurities are raging. This guy talks too damn much and I think too damn much. He's articulate and was so confident that it actually made me start to shake and pull back and not let go. I'm surprised at myself. I'm usually the bold one, the confident one, the hot head, the big mouth.

The most interesting thing is that this guy is extremely articulate and asks good questions in those moments however what he thinks is happening in my head is based upon his experiences with other women and lets face it, I'm not like most women. My hang ups are very different. I didn't hold back with him because of body issues (although he asked - and then awesomely told me about every part of me he liked and why!) I held back but could not tell him so, because I was faced with my own crossroads of what I want vs. what I am living and I couldn't make peace with it in that particular moment. And I just couldn't tell him. He sincerely wanted to know but I couldn't tell him and I found myself telling him that I liked him but he talks too damn much. He laughed. And I am positive he has been told this many times before.

I'm unsure if this will go past this very day. The ball is squarely in his court. I know I will not chase. And that is all I know.

4 comments:

Rob Taylor said...

Sounds like self sabotage. No one's perfect and life is meant to be enjoyed. If you find someone who you can enjoy an evening with enjoy it and let things develop naturally. Don't push into a relationship.

Maybe he talks too much because he's nervous.

Mum-me said...

From my personal perspective, a man who talks is good. Most of the men I've known/currently know (including HB) don't communicate enough. If he's communicating and not just talking to hear himself talk, then I'd take that as a good thing.

As Rob said, just enjoy his company and see where it goes. Good luck!

Aleta said...

Be true to yourself. You know what you want and how you feel and nobody else can define that.. Find your own comfort zone and find someone else who can share it with you.

The one thing that screams at me from your post is that man seems a touch arrogant. I don't mind a talker, but I do mind when someone ASSUMES stuff about me based on HIS experiences. You're an individual. Unique. And you need to be treated on that level, not grouped into an association of his past. Just saying...

It's important, so I'll say it again ~ be true to YOU.

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