"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Holy Crap I Had A Date

Yes you read that right. I had a date on Wed. I met a nice Jewish guy for lunch. And yes it is true I want to meet a nice guy who is Jewish. But it can't be that he is just nice. There has to be more. There has to be that chemistry, not just physical either. That intangible chemistry as well as the niceness and respectfulness. And for me it wasn't there.

We met through a free dating site and had some emails and talked once on the phone. The conversation seemed a bit forced but again, nice and when asked if I wanted to meet I figured why not.

We met at a place called Vinyl in Manhattan. It was quiet for that time of day and the food was decent. Although I honestly barely ordered anything. I got a soda and a spring roll appetizer which turned out to be two tiny spring rolls cut in half for $6.

I felt like I was doing most of the talking and tried my best to get him to talk without having to continually ask questions. He seemed very very interested in what I do for a living and most people are, so I am used to this.

I can get past the conversation part, especially on a first date, which he did call it just that, a first date. His words, not mine. Remember that. Some people are just shy at first. I'm not about clobbering a fellow for stuff like that. Nice guys are hard to find. BUT what I cannot get past is that he let me pay half the bill.

The entire bill was $20. And out of politeness I asked, "would you like help with the check?" And he said yes. To me that is not a date.

Now I cannot prove this but I will tell you that while I almost never wear my rings from my grandmothers I decided I would that day. I love them and it makes me feel good to have them on and remember that my grandmothers are with me. One of the rings can be mistaken for an engagment ring. It's of course not one. I caught this fella looking at my hand many times as I spoke, specifically looking at the ring. So I can only connect the dots that perhaps he felt I had money and could pay my way. Maybe I am completely wrong on his reasons. But the reasons don't matter. To me a gentleman pays, especially on a first date. Especially if he wants a second date. Call me old fashioned.

So well he walked me to the train and I said goodbye and he said he'd call me. Very generic in that call me statement. Whatever. I went into the subway and on my way home.

As soon as I arrived at my stop and walked outside I received a text asking me for another date for Thursday or Friday. I just had to laugh. I didn't answer it. I was on the phone with my mother when the text came in. We were discussing how he was nice but clueless. At 40 years old you don't get a pass on this one.

I wrote a nice short email thanking him and letting him know I could see us as friends but that we both know we aren't looking for friendship and I wished him well on his search for love.

After the last fiasco with ignoring a guy hoping he'd get a clue, and he didn't, I knew I had to send the email. I figured that was the end. NOPE.

I received a response : I really liked you. Oh wells.

Later that evening I got another email to the effect of: forgive my ego I'm ok with being friends but I know the deal. And he sent me a link to check out an iPod, since we had talked about me finally buying one.

I think it's funny the things I learn from going out on dates. I spent so many years, not realizing that I was but chasing men I had feelings for, when all I had to do what pretend I didn't give a rats ass and had no interest in them, and they would have been interested in me as much as I wanted them to be. Go figure!


NotStyro said...

I have to agree with assessment. By not paying for the meal completely he committed a dating faux pas (besides staring at your jewelry without complementing/commenting).

On first dates I always pay for the meal, unless other arrangements have been made (so-called "dutch" or even split, or pay your own way). I remember only one date where she insisted on paying her fair-share (she clearly wasn't interested in me).

I wish you luck on your next date, hopefully you'll find a nice guy soon.

Babs-beetle said...

That would have shocked me, and made me dislike him! Fancy saying yes when you asked him! I wouldn't have even offered to pay half hahaha! That could be a generational thing though. In my day, the man paid for everything! At least until you had had several dates.

As you said, stop trying too hard and he will come to you :O)

Lauren said...

@notstyro - you made me think about an issue that never even came to my mind before. I should have been complimented. You are so right. :)

@Babs - Thanks for your support of my stance! I'm old fashioned in this way. I think too many of my generation use this as an excuse to be cheap. And yes, I'm not trying at all anymore. LOL

Chat Blanc said...

I'm sorry the chemistry wasn't there! bummer! I support your desire and expectation for him to pay. I'm the exact opposite. I'd rather pay half or all of it if I ask the guy out cuz I don't want to feel I "owe" him anything (if ya know what I mean). But this could also be why I've not entertained any true gentlemen either! :)

Maybe you could clue this guy in on his faux pas. Many men need things spelled out for them!

I hope a better guy shows up in your life soon!

Lauren said...

@chatty - I hear you! I understand all that you said too. I can't imagine owing a guy anything no matter how much he pays. If I feel I am with a guy who even slightly might feel that way, I wouldn't go out with him again. And especially on a $20 check. LOL

I have written to men in the past about some things. But for this guy with only 1 minor "date" I felt it was more kind NOT to say anything and just be nice and move forward. Curious to your thoughts on that.

Thanks for helping with the comments!!!!

Ronda's Rants said...

Okay...this is advice from your older non-jewish liberal Mother...
stop rolling your eyes!
I would like you to text or phone him again and ask if you both could have a do-over!
Stop...listen...he was nervous Lauren! You asked him the question...I am sure he wondered what the "right" answer was...since you asked. Never ask that question again...You're a lady!
Unless...he is green with warts please try again! Be honest and tell him...what bothered you.
Also, literally have 5 open ended questions ready that he can not say yes or no to!
My Hubby was not someone I would have thought about going out with...he really pressured me into going on "just one date" with...I was so wrong about him...I have never stopped seeing him since that first date...He is not perfect but he is the love of my life and I wish tha for you!
Do you want to be "right" or happy? :)

Jessica said...

I think it depends on the situation if the guy should pay all. In yours, to me, I think he should have.

And WHY is that so true...if guys think you don't care about them, they pay way more attention. :P