"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dating Again...And You Won't Believe It

Well, out of the blue I'm dating again. The thing is this guy just popped into my life.  I didn't ask for it, I didn't expect it and here he is.

He's pro-Israel and yet a total Obamabot. I had thought he was more open than he actually is. But here's what I'm learning from this experience: sometimes all we have to do is be present and our presence makes the difference.

Before you get excited this isn't going to lead to the conclusion you'd be hoping for.

You see this man who is 8 years my senior is having issues making peace within himself for the person he knows me to be, the things I believe in and the fact that I lean toward the Tea Party.

Now in truth you all know I do not believe everything the Tea Party stands for. I've read many things about some of the people they've invited in the mid-west that are anti Israel and horrible and it makes me sick to know this. But I'd say I can feel aligned with them 95% of the time. But I digress.

You see this man has been indoctrinated. The explosion that came out of his mouth just the other night toward me was a challenge for me, eye opening but gave me some opportunities for me to see just who I really am, how strong I am and how proud I am of myself for all my personal changes and triumphs.

I was calm. He was a maniac in anger. It was like watching a deranged person. His personal agenda showed through that has led him to "be inspired by Obama" and it comes from a sickness in his heart in his own life and family story.  I've seen this before, many times.  Folks I live in NYC. Most are like this.

My calmness was unnerving him. "That's how YOU people are. You're always calm and so full of shit."

You see I just do not fit the stereotype of what they tell people like him "WE" are. And this is a conflict for him. He cannot understand this. I saw such rage. But I was calm. I said my piece. I did not hold back who I am and I told him I won't change.

Ironically I think the things we want in life are very similar. He just doesn't understand that the people he is holding in esteem are using him as a tool for some ideology. He may never get it. But meeting me has shown him a new picture of "US" and it doesn't mesh with his script in his head that has been put there.

At one point he started screaming at me about the AZ law. Alas, I asked, "Did you read it?"

Of course not. And he believes the police have the right to just stop people and ask them if they are illegal and take them away. He is a naturalized citizen and has a distrust for the police. You see, the personal story, he believes has a right to dictate other people's lives. And so many people like him think and believe this way. It's very sad. And what happened to his family is sad and scary and I learned about that time in his native country's history.  But he cannot be logical and cannot see the logic from the right.

I used to be just like him. And then I listened. And then I experienced the screaming shout downs of free thought while in college and I realized I had been scammed.

I was so proud of myself. I stood my ground. I shouted that Che was a murder scum. I will not allow his indoctrinated garbage to infect me. And let me tell you it's very hard for him to let go of this.

I stood my ground. I stayed and I said, "This IS who I am. I will NOT change. You are intolerant of other people's views. It is you who are so for tolerance that is completely intolerant. Not me!"

But I also understood, which is a big big change for me, that this was much deeper than politics. I realized he had already been thinking about a future with me, and he was scared out of his wits and this was the source of his rage. The juxtaposing political views made him scared and made him realize how he felt about me and he needed an excuse to run.

Seven years ago I was in an uncannily similar position. Just before a major trip I was to take with the man I was in love with, he hit me with a lie about his feelings for me because he was scared. I crumbled. I didn't have the emotional intelligence to see what was really happening. I also didn't have the backbone to stand up for myself and state who I was and be me.

I didn't need this "karmic do-over" but here it was. I said "I know you for two weeks. I'm not going to fight for you. I'm not changing." And then confronted him dead on, eye to eye and I said without any fear or hesitation, "What is this really about? You're scared because in only two weeks you have deep feelings for me and this scares you to death. Admit it."

I am so proud of myself. I know that the only person I can control is me. He is not my property. I am not his. No one owns my mind but me. The final outcome in this relationship is not the issue here. I finally love me. And I know it. He may never be able to make peace with his ideology that he is so married to, and may not have the ability to accept that all he has devoted himself to is a big lie. That's a hard thing to do. Especially for men because it equals the feeling of failure to most people. When in truth it is the triumph and most freeing act we can do for ourselves. It hurts to feel/realize that you were wrong. It can be devastating. And he may never be capable of it. Ego is such a strong thing. But that is not up to me. Cognitive dissonance that says that once a person makes up their mind about something - it is quite difficult to change without feeling foolish - so they resist changing.  

And yes, he admitted he does have deep feelings for me already.

As a spiritual person I know that often g-d, universe puts us square in the middle of a place that seems so hard to be, simply because our presence makes the greatest effect on the people surrounding us. We need not preach or force our will on others. Just who we are and how we live is the example that is the catalyst for the changes that are needed.

I do not fit the right wing Tea Party stereotype and it unnerves him to the bone. What he believes about us is so evil and he knows I am not evil. And all I need to do is be for the time g-d wants.


Mum-me said...

You're so brave to stay true to yourself. Hope this man can learn true tolerance and be content for you to have your own views.

LaurAyn said...

Mum-me, Not sure there is any bravery in this. To me it is more like knowing you love chocolate and hate vanilla and there's no way you can get yourself to like vanilla. It just is what it is. I hope he can learn to be tolerant too but I might just be the first step in this process for him that will take years. Don't forget he is 8 years older than I am. He's long time married to this ideology. Thank you for your support of/in me.

Aleta said...

I support you to... but I worry about you, and you know it :) I like how you handled yourself; says a lot about you and how much you are in tune with your emotions and beliefs.