Still Not A New Years Resolution

There's a few things I'm going to add to my life. I don't plan on staying single forever. I have a vision for the kind of wife and mother I want to be. But I'm handicapped. I've been single a LONG time. I never was a great cook. My mother was not really a great cook either but even she cooks more things than I do.

Since I'm already 37 and I want to have children when I do meet that person I'd like to start right away. And I want to be a stay at home mom. So I also know that means I have to learn to be more domestic. Sheeeet if I'm going to put the onus of money making and bill paying on my soon to be fellow then I have to do my fair share.

Now don't get me wrong I do plan on working. If you don't know what I do for a living and LOVE you can check me out here . That work is going well and my reputation is spreading and who knows what kind of income that will bring me and my eventual family.

So back to the domestic godess training.

I'm going to learn how to cook more things. I'm starting small.

At one of my jobs I work with a woman who not only used to be a former Playboy Bunny but a Chef. Let's just say she no longer has that bunny body. Hopefully I'll be more disciplined after I learn how to cool well.

She gave me a few easier recipes which I haven't begun to try but I will and I'll share them.

I started out with a good salad. Sounds simple but really what do we think about with salad. Lettuce, tomato and maybe cucumber and dressing.

I've been told to get good lettuce, not iceberg (haven't been eating that for years anyway) cucumbers, tomatos, maderin oranges or tangerines, craisins, some cheese if you like that on your salad. I like Russian dressing but you can use whatever you want.

Just those few simple extras makes all the difference.

And here you can see what I've created.

I've made it a few times now and it's a simple, but delicious meal that is not boring to eat.

Besides learning how to cook meals that seem exotic but aren't and are yummy I'm going to try my best to be better about keeping house.

In my defense I work a lot of jobs when I am offered and I'm rather tired when I get home. So as you can see it's a little messy on my stove. Plus the stove is shitty and cheap and anything that drips gets stained even if you clean it right away. OY!

Those are my two things I'm adding to my life this year. Wish me luck!

The Benefits Of Being Single

This time of year most people do resolutions. Not happenin' here!

2008 was for the most part a pretty good year for this single gal. I made a ton of good blog friends. I got certified in my career of choice. WHOOHOO! My client base is picking up without any effort on my part...referrals. LOVE THAT WORD! I moved to a better apartment...well except for this bastard new neighbor who at this moment is blasting his fucking stereo. I'm writing this post on Xmas so I'm letting it go. If this becomes a pattern I'm going to call the landlord and complain. There was a family next door to me for year with a baby. I never heard them. There's no excuse for this shit!

Sadness. Olivia, my sweet Olivia passed away after being with me for 17 years.

So what I've decided to do is write the benefits of being single. Heck I've got more experience at that then anything else I've ever done, right?

Here goes:

1. You can walk around in your undies all day until you have to get dressed for work.
2. You can decide not to shower for days if you don't have to leave your house.
3. You can use the bathroom with the door open.
4. You can shower with the door open.
5. The hair on the soap is only from you.
6. You only have to discipline the cats and THEY LISTEN.
7. You can watch the television and fall asleep to it and not be chastised.
8. You can blog at any hour and no one yells at you to get off the computer.
9. Leftovers are all for you.
10. You only have to suffer the cats farts and poops.
11. You can burp and fart when needed. (and any other bodily thing like picking your nose...you know you do it!)
12. You can eat spare ribs and be as messy as you want.

Mail Bag Mondays.....

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1889137

Adopt Me?

If you're rich I'm available for adoption. OK ...just kidding.

This is Chloe. Her momma for 10 years decided she just didn't want her anymore.

Angry yet?

She's in the kitty condo at my Vet waiting to be adopted. If you live in the NYC area and have a sincere desire to adopt Chloe and make the committment to keeping her until she grows old and passes away please leave me a comment and a way of getting in touch with you.

Chloe is 10 and I am told in good health. I met her briefly and she's soooo sweet. I did my best with my camera but the flash is harsh and makes the kitties squint and not look their best.

Achmed Jingle Bombs

Happy Chanukah

More Kittays

OK it's laundry day in my home today...and the kittays love that darn drying rack. Why I even bother buying them toys...Jessica's been asking for more kitty photos and updates. So here is my zoo. Almost all grown up. Sadie and KC are 7 months old now and Leo is 1 year and 7 months old. And for your viewing pleasure...yes that IS my bra!

Jewish WASSSUUUPP!

The Chanukah Fairy

Babs of Beetles Blog made this of me. It's rather wickedly funny and delicious and it had me in terrible stitches. I love my body and it's quite cute but I think my smile is rather JOKERish don't you.

Here today I present you with me as the Chanukah Fairy.

Now I am going to wave my magic wand and as I do count to three and click on her link and visit the land of Beetle!

When you're done float on over with me to Carrie's for her foto fiesta.

Declaration...

Gift's You Should Not Buy For Anyone

I found this site and I sent it to my brother with the following note:
Dear Brother,This is what's in your future if you don't get a clue this year! Your loving and thoughtful gift giving sister, Lauren.

I copied both my parents too!

Yes this sister is TIRED of the lame bullshit emails from her brother asking what she wants only to be told that it costs too much and he'll give me $35 toward what I want. Gee thank you of wonderous brother o mine! Now can you please tell me another story about those golden golf clubs of yours....while I sneak out of the room, find one and smash your brains out with it?

You're in the dog house o brother. No more cheap shit. No more lame I only have $35 to give you. Get your priorities straight for once asswipe!

Because apparently nominating him here hasn't been enough of a stick.

Well finding this article was just icing on the cake of my confirmation that my brother is one of the world's worst gift givers. Sad thing is that he really doesn't even care that he is. I don't think he's even oblivious. I really think he couldn't care less. He's too involved with what goodies he is going to get for himself next.

Always you can count on hearing about some golf club or stripe on his car he will be painting just after he tells you how he really doesn't have money or can't spend the dough to take the 1.5 hour car trip to visit you.

But I digress. #6 on the list is : A stuffed animal to anyone over the age of 8Because it's cheesy and infantilizing and weird. Because grown-ups shouldn't own stuffed animal collections. Because also, from a man to a lady, it's usually a pretty lazy gift.

Well I just about fell off the chair and onto the floor when I saw that one. Poor Mom. She got two of those stupid bears from my brother for gifts. Which means he actually broke two rules. #1 Theme gifts (more than 2x)Say you know someone who likes fishing, or golf, or model airplanes. Most likely, everybody in that person's life knows about this hobby. And, probably, each of these people have given person A an item that relates to the thing that he/she loves. Which means that—for example, in the case of my dad—person A now has more fishing junk than he knows what to do with. My dad has been gifted everything from fishing hats to ceramic fishes, Gone Fishin' license plate covers to rod-and-reel beer cozies. Point is, we should value when someone enjoys something, but we should not inundate them with so much junk that their hobby becomes a storage chore.

Tickles me pink! I believe she got one of those over the hill bears for turning 50 and another from the same company when we found out she had Leukemia. Hey nothing says I love you like a booboo bear when you're diagnosed with blood cancer. OY!

Caption This Winners

The winners from the most recent Caption This contest are..................................

Drum Roll PLEASE...............................................................................................................................................................................

500 entrecard points to the first place winner
SpeedCat Hollydale
"I am invisible in my steal balls hat! ... even if I wasn't, my giant sack of stuffed animals will protect me"

100 entrecard points to the second place winner
D.O.M.
"Unassuming Superheroes LibertyGirl and I'mNotWithHerGuy ride the subway looking for evildoers as part of the new anti terrorism initiative."

50 entrecard points the third place winner and new visitor (thank you!)
Ettarose (please send me your blog link)
"Lady Liberty is pissed that she has to ride the subway after letting in too many huddled masses."

I WON I FINALLY WON...

OK so my candidate for President didn't win...I know get over it! Well that ain't gonna happen with me BUT....

Rhonda of Rhoda's Rants gave away some books on a mini-give-a-way and I finally won something...those books. And to boot she sent them FedEx!

I LOVE to read and money is so tight right now that I can't go and spend in one of my favorite places, Barnes and Noble. So when I saw her post that the first person to ask for the Nicholas Spark book would win I was so happy to be the early bird to that post. WHOOOHOOO!

Well not only did I get the book and CD for my car...YEEEEHAAA! I got two other books AND a really sweet card. And I gotta tell you that card meant more to me than the darn books. :)

Thank you so much Rhonda!

As soon as I am done with these I am going to give them away right here on my blog. So start thinking about the books you want to win from me soon. :)

Mail Bag Mondays...

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.

Friends

A-Anon

The Truth About Peace/Piece In The Middle East

My Friday Foto Fiesta Submission today is about Israel and I'm showing their flag.

Yehuda HaKohen of the Zionist Freedom Alliance told Israel National News that Tony Blair is "one of the biggest obstacles to regional stability" and that so long as the Quartet and CFR interfere in the Middle East, there will never be peace between Arabs and Jews.

“Tony Blair and other foreign leaders are responsible for fanning the flames of conflict in the Middle East,” HaKohen said. He continued:

“In fact, it was the British who originally turned local Arabs and Jews against one another in order to further their own colonialist agenda for our region. And now Western governments arm both sides and then attempt to impose artificial diplomatic solutions. The Israeli government and PA leaderships today both behave as puppets to foreign regimes and both the local Jewish and Arab populations are suffering. The way to achieve real peace between peoples here is to work from the bottom up and not the top down. The Jewish and Arab peoples are both native to the Middle East. We have a great deal in common. But for efforts at genuine peace to succeed, Western governments and multinational corporations need to leave our region alone and let the indigenous Jews and Arabs settle things between ourselves.”

The following facts are from an anonymous writer on Israel:

The truth is that Palestine is no more real than Never-Never Land. The first time the name was used was in 70 A.D. when the Romans committed genocide against the Jews, smashed the Temple and declared the land of Israel would be no more. From then on, the Romans promised, it would be known as Palestine. The name was derived from the Philistines, a Goliathian people conquered by the Jews centuries earlier. It was a way for the Romans to add insult to injury. They also tried to change the name of Jerusalem to Aelia Capitolina, but that had even less staying power. Palestine has never existed -- before or since -- as an autonomous entity. It was ruled alternately by Rome, by Islamic and Christian crusaders, by the Ottoman Empire and, briefly, by the British after World War I. The British agreed to restore at least part of the land to the Jewish people as their homeland. There is no language known as Palestinian. There is no distinct Palestinian culture. There has never been a land known as Palestine governed by Palestinians. Palestinians are Arabs, indistinguishable from Jordanians (another recent invention), Syrians, Lebanese, Iraqis, etc. Keep in mind that the Arabs control 99.9 percent of the Middle East lands. Israel represents one-tenth of 1 percent of the landmass.

Nobody's Perfect

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

A Poem For Obama's Inaguration

Caption This

In honor of one of my favorite humor bloggers and the best beggar for votes at humorbloggers.com, D.O.M. I'm running a "Caption This" contest.

First place prize: 500 entrecard points

Second place prize: 100 entrecard points

Third place prize: 50 entrecard points

Honorable mentions -- my unending blog love and your blog address mentioned on the winning entry post.

Winner announced on December 16.

Mail Bag Mondays...from the email bag...

After the recent teetering-on-the-edge-of-total-economic-and-financial-meltdown weeks it seems economic systems and their workings have pushed their way into the need-to-know-category. Well, we can now simplify this all by explaining 21 economic models.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATIC
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two gi raffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

AN INVESTMENT BANK
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows
back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your
bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have
lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reports the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A KENTUCKY CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to a bar to celebrate.

Do The Right Thing

See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/8174eb51ba/natalie-portman-rashida-jones-speak-out-again-from-natalie-portman-and-rashida-jones

Prop 8?

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c0cf508ff8/prop-8-the-musical-starring-jack-black-john-c-reilly-and-many-more-from-fod-team-jack-black-craig-robinson-john-c-reilly-and-rashida-jones

Eco-Friendly Shoes

Found this interesting site called Simple

They make shoes out of eco-friendly materials that will not live on 200 years after we pass on. This is just one of many items they have. It's a baby shoe. They also have items for adults. The items seem rather reasonably priced and look quite comfortable.

Me After DIE----TING

I found this through WitsBitch. That funny gal.
THIS is how I am going to look after eating salads and veggies for the next 4 weeks straight. After seeing my rear end in the wedding photos I decided it's time to get drastic.
Create your own FACEinHOLE

Don't forget to see my Candid Carries Friday Foto Fiesta Post below.

Friday Foto Fiesta

Today's weekly submission for Carrie's Friday Foto Fiesta is:
Subtitled: OH BROTHER!

My brother and new sister in law went to Hawaii for their honeymoon.


What is Hawaii known for? Hawaii prints, hula dolls, maybe a cool beach towel with a fun print on it. How about a fun area rug that represents something from Hawaii?




And see what really awesome gift they brought back for me???????????????




This LOVELY $2.99 make up bag and $2.99 tissue holder.



Oh and some "vintage" postcards... Achem...could you please tell me what this New Yorker is supposed to do with postcards from Hawaii?? I know I'll send the first 10 commenters a post card from New York to you.
Sending you sunny wishes from wintry NYC. :)



This sister has been screwed for the last time.



It's been a point of contention for a long time with me about my brother and his insanely cheap ways. He makes good money and expected a lot for his wedding. I was coherced into sending money to him for his wedding gift from my mother. I wasn't going to give anything. I am struggling financially and my entire family is aware of this. I was asked to be in the wedding party, and the truth came out later that family was asked to do this for his wife to be so that she didn't have to ask her friends and hurt anyone's feelings. So I had to shell out $200 for a brown dress I'll never wear again. $80 for shoes...that I picked and loved and will wear again next summer...screw her! You all saw my post about the wedding shower gifts which totaled well over $100.



But hey thank you for spending a whole $12 on me for the hideous gift from Hawaii.



Honestly I'd rather they did nothing, as I expected nothing when handing them beautiful blue chanukah cloth napkins and menorah napkin holders to them this Thanksgiving for an early Chanukah gift.



The icing on the cake was when I handed over an early Chanukah gift of 4 cloth holiday napkins and 4 menorah napkin holders that cost me about $30. And let me tell you that $30 is a big chunk of my weekly budget.



I feel like one of those credit card commercials where they total up items bought and then at the end you get the priceless item.



Here's this sister and brother's priceless item: lifelong audacity and animosity

PRICELESS.

Deprogramming

How To Communicate with an Obot: The **OFFICIAL** English to Obamese Dictionary

InsightAnalytical **Official** English to Obamese Dictionary

English . . . . . Obamese

Bailout . . . . . Rescue

Stimulus package . . . . . Economic Recovery package

Massive Voter Fraud . . . . . Community organizing

Selection . . . . . Election

Coronation . . . . . Inauguration

Assault & battery. . . . . Caucus

Socialist . . . . . Progressive

Terrorist . . . . . Just a guy in my neighborhood

Radical Preacher . . . . . A guy at church I never listened to

Plumber . . . . . Threat to National Security

Violent gang of sanctioned thugs . . . . . Civilian Police Force

Violent gang of sanctioned thugs in Chicago . . . . . Obama for President Committee

Flip Flop . . . . . Smart adjustment to political reality

Preponderance of lies . . . . . A Speech

Union endorsements for opponents . . . . . Special interest endorsements

Union endorsements for Obama . . . . . Support from worker representatives

Spreading the wealth . . . . . Tax cuts for the working class

Rich . . . . . Anyone earning over ??

Washington insiders . . . . . Change

Bill Clinton . . . . . Racist/My staunch supporter

Hillary Clinton. . . . . Likable enough/Secretary of State

Hillary Clinton’s mailing list . . . . . Cash cow

Bill Clinton’s advisors . . . . . Old Style Gov’t./My New Cabinet

Rules . . . . . Old ideas, no longer important

U.S. Constitution . . . . . Floormat (See also Joke)

Palestinians . . . . . Internet campaign workers

Oil barons . . . . . Millions of small donors

Ruthless genocide . . . . . Odinga’s post-election change

Disagreement . . . . . Racism

Questioning. . . . . .Racism

Truth Seeking . . . . . Racism

Patriotism . . . . . Racism

Upholding the Constitution . . . . . Racism

Share . . . . . Take

Messiah . . . . .Obama

facial tic of right eye . . . . . frickin scared out of my mind

throw under the bus ... denounce/disavow

campaign fraud ... $5-$10 Internet donors

random park benches ... voter registration addresses

teleprompter literate ... eloquent

failure to make a decision ... voting present

It's My One Year Blogoversary

WOW it's been exactly one year since I made my first post. My blog has morphed about a gazillion times throughout the year. I started this blog as a way to get my confused and hurt feelings out about a bizarre dating situation I had found myself in, or rather had just ran the hell out of. And throughout the year I have added so many other topics and fun things.

I have met so many wonderful people through this blog and I am so very very grateful.

So in honor of ME -- haha-- I am sharing some recent photos from my brother's wedding.

OH dear looking at these makes me realize what a fat cow I have become and how much I need to lose more weight.

Truth be told, I have a nice rump and big boobs and so a dress like this -- with photos taken from the side is always going to make me look wider than I am. BUT I also saw photos of me from behind which I will not share and I was ...how shall I put this....achem, MORTIFIED.

Anywho...here are some I did like enough to share with all of you today.

Do I look more like my mother or father?

Dating Tips For Women?

OK girls seriously do we really need these articles that state the obvious? And please tell me why I am supposed to follow advice from someone who gets paid to write and post this crap on Yahoo! when clearly they cannot even count!

This was written for Cosmo. UGH!

Do you ever go out sometimes and feel like guys aren't giving you the attention you deserve, and you can't figure out why? That used to happen to me too. Then I became a part-time "wingwoman" -- a girl who helps guys meet chicks by posing as the guys' platonic female friend. (Wingwoman services are available in many cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, Miami, and St. Louis.)

While earning my wings, I learned lots of little tricks every single girl can use to improve her dating success with guys. Warning: Once you perfect these moves, you might find that you're such a powerful man-magnet, you attract guys everywhere. I used to date a guy who asked me out at the ATM!


Dating tip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three. Larger groups of girls are supertough (read: intimidating) to approach. Three is a good number because your two friends can keep each other company when a guy walks up to chat with you.

Dating tip #3: Smile genuinely. So obvious, right? But I can't stress it enough -- and I can't believe I ever acted aloof in an attempt to seem more cool. Now I know that women smile all the time naturally (when we're nervous, when we're trying to be polite, etc.), so if you don't do it at all, you look unapproachable.

Dating tip #4: Work the eye contact. To reel him in from across the room, tilt your chin down a bit and flash him a couple of sultry glances. (Guys love it when you look up at them -- it makes them feel manly.) If the guy across the room is so gorgeous you have a hard time looking straight at him and are simply too nervous, fake it by focusing on the tiny area right between his eyes. He won't be able to tell the difference.

Dating tip #5: Don't immediately ask him what he does. Some men think all women are gold diggers. A lot of my clients hated being asked what their job is. It's that fear-of-being-used thing again.

Mail Bag Mondays 3

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife."Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!"