"The problem here is a totalitarian uniformity, a cult-like mentality such that even allies are enemies if they fail to follow the Exact Party Line. " - Phyllis Chesler

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Reading The Last Lecture

Many of you probably know about the Professor from Carnegie Mellon who wrote a book called "The Last Lecture", Randy Pausch. I think I even posted a video of him way back. As he was dying of Pancreatic Cancer he did a lecture series and then put it into book format for his children as a way to have a legacy to them and those he left behind.

I've only read a few pages but it's making me think, at 39 years old what the heck would I say my life was about and what would I want to say I had to offer if I knew that I was dying soon.

At this point in my life, I've never married nor had children. It wasn't how I ever envisioned my life. But here I am single and child free thus far.

I've had far many more regrets than accomplishments but I have learned so much from those experiences. I know that I learn and grow far faster than most. I have a desire to improve me all the time. Perhaps in an almost obsessive way. Perhaps that is even one of many reasons why I've remained single for 39 years. I'm always working on working on me.

I often felt that people disappoint me greatly. And that has caused me to hibernate for almost 3 years until the last few months when I said to myself, ENOUGH. It's time to get back out there and be social.

I've learned that no matter what you do, there are always going to be those people that disappoint you as well as those that come through for you and love you despite your (mine in this case) faults. The one's that disappoint you don't make you a failure. I used to think that of myself. What did I do wrong that made them think this or that about me or be nasty or horrible to me. And then some amazing people came into my life. They know who they are and they set me straight. It's on them.

I regret all the stupid time I've wasted worrying so much about these things. I regret all the wasted time I spent with fucktard men, answering their accusations that I knew were not true about me. I regret my insecurities.

If I had to leave a legacy behind I'd have to start with lecturing other's who struggle with this issue on letting go of this nonsense quickly because before you know it 20 years have passed and while you still feel like you're about 25ish, you've accomplished so little because you let so much hold you back. All those men or women you agonized over...where are they today? Do they give a crap about you? Nope! You're not even a thought in their head. They banged you down while they pulled themselves up and lapped up whatever it was that they wanted from life. So you go out right now and do the same.

Keep only those in your life that honor you, love you, respect you and have the best in mind for and of you. They do exist. Don't waste one fucking moment extra on someone who is clearly showing you that they don't fit that category.

In my life, I've learned to love me. I've learned that loving me first doesn't put anyone else second.

To hell with anyone who doesn't think you're good enough...in love, business or whatever it is you want to do with your life. If you must, allow yourself 1 day of pitty and then no more.

Fight for all that you believe in.

Oh and most of all...I've learned that the more I get to know more people the more I realize that I'm THE NORMAL ONE.


Aleta said...

I like that - 1 day of pity and then, move on, for you. Love you - that isn't an easy life lesson to learn and many people don't get to that point. The other lesson - you can't change people, but you can change how you react to them and don't let their ugly words internalize inside of you. :) Good post!

LaurAyn said...

Aleta, super good point. You cannot change people, only your reaction to them. Wish I wrote that in the post. :)