Book Review --- Red Flags – How To Know When You’re Dating a Loser

Yesterday I was shopping post Xmas at Barnes and Noble for some gifts for my brother and his fiancé and happened upon the book “Red Flags – How To Know When You’re Dating a Loser” by Gary S. Aumiller PhD and Daniel A. Goldfarb PhD. Of course there was no way I was going to leave the store without taking a peak inside. Usually I find that these books are filled with silly common sense dribble and are a waste of my hard earned money. However this one I actually bought.

The authors are psychologists who specialize in the techniques used by police to profile criminals. The book lists 25 loser profiles and gives clear details and examples of conversations you will probably have with these types of men. The authors show you how to look a bit deeper at what you are being told rather than just taking it for face value.

Aumiller and Goldfarb give you tips on what to look for over the course of three dates and after each profile they give you a checklist with a point system. I am finding it quite interesting and useful.

They explain that some of the details in and of themself doesn't necessarily make the man sitting in front of you a loser and differentiate between yellow flag and red flag signs. And their book suggests giving a guy three dates and offering suggestions on what to say to see if the behavior will adjust or stay the same over the course of those three dates.

What I like most about this book is that the authors teach you how to analyze how you interact with these men and hopefully inspire you to see repeat interactions of your own in new ways thereby enabling you to break your own patterns.

As I stood there in the aisle with my my mouth covered, so that passers by wouldn't see how far my jaw had dropped while I read some of this book, I realized that I had recently dated The Neglecter, The Sex Guzzler, and The Quiet Man all wrapped up into one. With the Neglecter he was TEXTBOOK to the T!
(my comments)

• On page 22 the authors write: “Every guy knows that a woman wants a phone call after a date to be told how marvelous she was and how he’ll remember her forever. If a guy doesn’t call he is either not interested or he is choosing to be a jerk."
• Once in a relationship with this man, when you don’t receive the communication in a reasonable amount of time and state so upon the next exchange, "he will feel like you are in too much of a rush, overexaggerate, and blow everything out of proportion. ”
• The Neglector learned sometime in his youth that he didn’t have to function on other people’s time schedules. This could have come about for many reasons. Therefore commitments aren’t taken seriously. Now as an adult he is discourteous about time with others even going so far as to feel that if his actions hurt others it is their own problem. (if I had a quarter for everytime I heard "there are no victims")
• The Neglector understands that the one place it is important to stick to obligations is at work. (this is usually a very confusing issue for the women who date this man, and is a strong place they can use emotionally manipulative tactics to play on your insecurities, allowing them to make you think it is you and not them because they can use work as their example of keeping obligations therefore it must be something you did to make them behave this way to you)
• This type of guy is usually pleasant to be around and those not close to him view him in this way because he doesn’t get bogged down in societal norms that “precipitate personality problems” and they are often good-looking because “less-engaging individuals couldn’t be this way and maintain a social life”. (read the earlier post where I list his admittance in his own words of his recent weight loss being key to be allowed quantity not quality.)
• You will always be on their time schedule regardless of what was planned.
• they believe you should take things as they come, which is fine in moderation but there won’t be with this man.
• People in his life work around him or just don’t expect anything of him at all and he LOVES this because with such low expectations whenever he comes through with anything there is such a fuss about whatever it is that he did becoming the center of attention.
• He controls by refusal.

The further I get away from this last relationship the more I realize just how smart I was this time around. It affirms the very detailed things I said to him about his behaviors – letting him know I was not just some stupid ignorant woman who didn’t see right through his crap!

I highly recommend this book to any woman who is single at any age. Let’s face it, single men cannot get away with what we do not let them pull on us. Much like the following quote: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt.

dating relationships the neglector