Monday, December 31, 2007
I don't set resolutions. Most people don't stick to them and I fall right into that group. I do set goals. I achieved my goals from 2007 and so I am going to do it again and encourage you to do the same.
Expand my holistic practice and have it be financially sustaining
Be found by my beshert
Take courses to improve my understanding of the male mind
Get out of my apartment more and be MUCH MORE social and expand my social network
Have more fun
The details will present themselves later. The goals are set. So there it is.
My plans for this evening are as follows:
Spending time with a good friend of mine, Dina who took me in after my original plans to spend time with an old friend and his family in NJ fell through due to EVERYONE getting sick. We will be going to a house party with what appears to be a very fun and outgoing group of people. Should make for an excellent start to one of my 2008 goals. I am soooo looking forward to it!
I wish for all of you reading and all your friends a happy and healthy new year. Blessings to all!!!
For all the bitching and moaning I do about men not doing the right thing I think it is equally as important to stand up and shout KUDOS when I feel one has done the right thing.
Apology accepted :-)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
What major event happend to you in 2007?
What was your favorite place you visited in 2007?
I'll go first.
New thing I tried: This year I tried online dating after a long absence from dating in general.
Major event: I lost my precious cat, Emily. She was 15 and although I have had cats since the age of 12 she was one of two I had/have all on my own and she was incredibly special. She greated me at the door, would come when I called her. She knew "get down" "you want a treat?" "up up" and when I asked her "you wanna eat?" she would always meow at me in response. She LOVED to get into trouble. I would find her in the bathtub after my showers, just splashing around. Needless to say she was very social. When she got sick it was heartbreaking. People ask me if I got another cat since she died. No I have not. The idea that I had to be responsible for choosing the day that she died will never sit right with me. I know Olivia (my other cat) is a bit lonely but for now I can't bring myself to do this all over again.
Favorite place to visit: Leander, TX. (Austin) I got to see my friend Candace's ranch and get pictures taken and share a special holistic event with her. She is awesome!
As far as biggest regret, well, I'd have to say not taking more time and giving the last relationship more of a chance to be something better. The outcome might have been just the same but I'll never know. UPDATE: I have a bigger regret. One which I always force to push out of my mind. When I had to put Emily to sleep I was so distraught and didn't have the strength to be in the room with her. Things happened and she bolted and I will forever ever ever regret not pulling myself together and comforting her when she needed it. I was just a ball of complete watery worthless shit that moment. I have since spoken with a well-respected animal psychic communicator on LI who told me Emily doesn't hate me or think about that at all and comes around for visits a lot and loves me. I sure hope so!
Greatest joy: watching a baby being born in front of my very eyes for the first time.
Tag! You're it!!!
Recently I learned while attending a social group that the number 8 is a very strong manifesting number. I did a little internet digging and found the following out for you about what the number 8 represents:
achievement, abundance, strength, self-disciplined, power, success, authority, intensity, supervisor, grandeur, material manifestor
In Tarot the number 8 represents Strength/Justice
In Astrology the number 8 represents Saturn, Sun, Leo, Pluto,Scorpio
In the Runes Elhaz represents the number 8
In the Tree of Life the number 8 represents Hod, Majesty (Splendor, Glory)
The Hebrew Letter Cheth, Pe represent the number 8
In Shamanism eight is the Lion and Butterfly
In Alchemy it is Fire and Water
Eight is the element Earth
The colors that represent the number 8 are Rose, Violet Purple (magenta), Deep Indigo
The gemstones that represent the number 8 are Diamond, Fire Opal
The musical note high C represents the number 8
The eight months is August
The day of the week that represents the number 8 is Thursday (I was born on a Thursday)
All in all, not a bad number to pick as your favorite even if you didn't know why!
So what does this mean for the new year, 2008?
2008 promises to be a new beginning collectively. 2+0+0+8 = 10
Keywords of the number 10 include honor, faith and self-confidence. (the day of the month I was born was 10)
In numerology however, we continue to break down the numbers until they come to one single digit unless the numbers total 11 or 22 which are considered power numbers. But numerologists still look at the number 10 to forecast 2008 before they break it down further.
Because the number 2008 adds up to the number 10 we will see that this year will be fruitful because faith in something; anything, helps develop self-confidence. And being honorable goes without question, and 2008 will be full of both these aspects.
Once broken down 10 becomes 1+0= 1. This means that universally we will be on a 1 year and we will be starting on a whole new numerological 9 year cycle.
2008 will see all stumbling blocks removed. It will be a time of new beginnings. Being individualistic and unique will be encouraged. Authenticity will be regarded very highly as the number 1 does not like falseness of any kind.
2008 will be an excellent time to plan for your long-term future. Lay firm foundations that will pay dividends over the next 12 years.
On the flip side of 2008 avoid indecision; doubt; moodiness; giving up too easily and neglecting details. The number 1 aspires to perfection and is very independent. Think carefully about starting any business partnerships; working on your own might be more beneficial.
One of the lessons for the number 1 to learn is that perfection doesn't actually exist, tolerating and learning to love each other will be high on the agenda this year.
As I write this post I cannot help but see the lessons that foreshadowed 2008 for me. Most of which I have shared with you already on this blog. The last person I was with admitted on his blog (which I shared with you) that he was in awe of my faith and wished he had some of that in him and will be seeking that out in the coming year. I learned that I do not have to be perfect to be loved and I believe that is also a lesson this person is going to be dealing with on the flip side, that a person doesn't have to be perfect for him to love them. I hope he will learn how to be more tolerant of those who wish to love him and I have asked to meet someone who will be more tolerant of my misgivings.
I started a new venture mid year and I have asked to be supported by allowing this business to grow and financially support me. According to my trainer she is excited for me and feels I am doing well and is in awe of how fast I was able to acquire clients and gain experience. :-) It is the career I was put on earth to do and I am grateful I finally found it at my late age.
Good, bad or ugly, I have always been described as independent, unique and no nonsense. It makes complete sense to me now that I understand what the number 10 represents and my favorite number 8 too. I have never been one who can put up with lies. As the number 1 does not like falseness of any kind this makes complete sense to me.
I know some people find this sort of thing silly. For me it is just an act of faith. I never used to hold much regard for this kind of thing and it was more of a"for shits and giggles" thing. But now that I am in my late thirties and have really developed a sense of who I am and what I want and need, I look at these things and see the uncanny description of all that I have realized. Some things cannot be proven without a doubt. They are just acts of faith and inner knowings.
For those of you who need hard science, well I cannot give that to you. But perhaps this scientific fact will stir you to think more about what I wrote today: aspirin was used for 70 years before science began to understand how it worked. (Source: University of Minnesota)
Please share your thoughts with me on this subject. I look forward to your comments!
dating relationships numerology faith spirituality 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Something needs to change. This problem is far too ingrained and widespread in our societies. Hmmm
I learned more about my own boundaries and comfort level. I learned that when pushed to move too fast I will lose my balance and fall. I learned that I have to slow down and be with a partner that will allow me to go at my pace. I learned that if the other person cannot hear "I don't know" from me that it has to be their problem and not mine and that I cannot be forced to always have an answer, the right answer and to do the right thing on a dime.
I learned that even when you are the dumper it still hurts. It's a different kind of hurt but it hurts nonetheless. And of course while I would still rather be the dumper in all situations, if someone MUST be dumped, I choose no dumping at all if the universe would allow.
I learned that it felt good to say my truth to the dumpee and that it gave me satisfaction to give him a taste of his own medicine, which I believe he is still tasting the after taste of to this day. I learned that it felt good to rattle off a list of his misgivings and faults, not with malice but just as a matter of fact. I learned that if felt good to see him feel the hurt he made me feel.
I learned that I feel bad knowing that I could feel good making this other person feel hurt. I learned that I often feel guilty for feeling this way and that there is another side of me that feels terribly bad about it. I learned that that side is just a little stronger than the mean side of me. I learned that I could detach from the results and send communication apologizing for making wrong decisions and wishing I knew at the time how to do things better and that I wished for second chances now that I can see things from new perspectives.
I learned that while leaving someone who isn't treating you right is the right thing to do, I still miss and mourn the company of that person.
I learned that I do not have to be perfect and that I deserve to be with a partner who will treat me with respect even in the face of disagreements.
I learned that it isn't the disagreements that are really the issue in a relationship but the way we react to them that determines if a partner is good for us or bad for us. I learned that if a person is hell bent on simply pointing out your mistakes and refuses to hear what you really meant, and not necessarily how he took it to mean, then that person is not the right person for you. I learned that if the only thing they can say is "this is how it lands for me" and are not interested in hearing what your intent was and your sincerest apologies for the misunderstandings then it is time to leave no matter how hard or sad you will be at the loss of this person's company.
I learned that I need to honor my boundaries more and go slower, think longer before I say and act upon the situation presenting itself.
I learned that when pushed beyond my limits to do something the other person wants that does not feel right for me, the spiteful part of me will rear it's ugly head. And I learned I do not like this part of me at all.
I have learned to look below the surface more. I have learned that hearing "flirting is a big problem for me" really means that "I have self esteem issues and need constant validation that I am attractive and wanted by the opposite sex." I have learned that when someone is saying and living these words it is not a reflection on me and that I do not want to play the role of therapist and that it is time for me to move on.
Friday, December 28, 2007
When you are being 12-Stepped the person throwing out the jargon at you is using the terminology that he or she clearly knows you don't understand, because you never took the courses from those organizations, to manipulate you to go along with something they want you do to for or with them.
Here's what Newsweek has to say about Jargon: "Jargon is a language of insiders. It undermines communication with everyone else"
12 Step programs are supposed to be there to help teach us how to live better and take responsibility for our lives and actions NOT to give us tools on how to manipulate others into taking part of what we want them to do.
As with anything in our lives moderation is the key. Before the comments start to roll in let me be very clear. I AM NOT AGAINST 12 STEP PROGRAMS. What I am against are people who go to all these groups and then use the knowledge to get things out of people rather than to help improve their own lives.
Have you been 12 Stepped Lately? You know you have been when someone is using jargon and you ask them to further explain and you get a defensive answer or they say they just can't explain it to you. This is a red flag that you are probably being manipulated. If the person makes a concerted effort for you to understand their definition, thereby allowing you the information you need to make an informed choice then you have nothing to worry about. Being 12-Stepped is all about the INTENT of the 12-Stepper.
Here was one of my favorites (that I didn't understand when I heard it...researched it and laughed because I realized how it was used to manipulate me instead of being used to help the person themself)
"buying happiness on credit"
What are some of your favorites that you have heard? Share the best of what you know...tip off the next person so they don't fall into that person's trap.
dating relationships 12 stepped jargon
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Yesterday I was shopping post Xmas at Barnes and Noble for some gifts for my brother and his fiancé and happened upon the book “Red Flags – How To Know When You’re Dating a Loser” by Gary S. Aumiller PhD and Daniel A. Goldfarb PhD. Of course there was no way I was going to leave the store without taking a peak inside. Usually I find that these books are filled with silly common sense dribble and are a waste of my hard earned money. However this one I actually bought.
The authors are psychologists who specialize in the techniques used by police to profile criminals. The book lists 25 loser profiles and gives clear details and examples of conversations you will probably have with these types of men. The authors show you how to look a bit deeper at what you are being told rather than just taking it for face value.
Aumiller and Goldfarb give you tips on what to look for over the course of three dates and after each profile they give you a checklist with a point system. I am finding it quite interesting and useful.
They explain that some of the details in and of themself doesn't necessarily make the man sitting in front of you a loser and differentiate between yellow flag and red flag signs. And their book suggests giving a guy three dates and offering suggestions on what to say to see if the behavior will adjust or stay the same over the course of those three dates.
What I like most about this book is that the authors teach you how to analyze how you interact with these men and hopefully inspire you to see repeat interactions of your own in new ways thereby enabling you to break your own patterns.
As I stood there in the aisle with my my mouth covered, so that passers by wouldn't see how far my jaw had dropped while I read some of this book, I realized that I had recently dated The Neglecter, The Sex Guzzler, and The Quiet Man all wrapped up into one. With the Neglecter he was TEXTBOOK to the T!
- On page 22 the authors write: “Every guy knows that a woman wants a phone call after a date to be told how marvelous she was and how he’ll remember her forever. If a guy doesn’t call he is either not interested or he is choosing to be a jerk."
- Once in a relationship with this man, when you don’t receive the communication in a reasonable amount of time and state so upon the next exchange, "he will feel like you are in too much of a rush, overexaggerate, and blow everything out of proportion. ”
- The Neglector learned sometime in his youth that he didn’t have to function on other people’s time schedules. This could have come about for many reasons. Therefore commitments aren’t taken seriously. Now as an adult he is discourteous about time with others even going so far as to feel that if his actions hurt others it is their own problem. (if I had a quarter for everytime I heard "there are no victims")
- The Neglector understands that the one place it is important to stick to obligations is at work. (this is usually a very confusing issue for the women who date this man, and is a strong place they can use emotionally manipulative tactics to play on your insecurities, allowing them to make you think it is you and not them because they can use work as their example of keeping obligations therefore it must be something you did to make them behave this way to you)
- This type of guy is usually pleasant to be around and those not close to him view him in this way because he doesn’t get bogged down in societal norms that “precipitate personality problems” and they are often good-looking because “less-engaging individuals couldn’t be this way and maintain a social life”. (read the earlier post where I list his admittance in his own words of his recent weight loss being key to be allowed quantity not quality.)
- You will always be on their time schedule regardless of what was planned.
- they believe you should take things as they come, which is fine in moderation but there won’t be with this man.
- People in his life work around him or just don’t expect anything of him at all and he LOVES this because with such low expectations whenever he comes through with anything there is such a fuss about whatever it is that he did becoming the center of attention.
- He controls by refusal.
The further I get away from this last relationship the more I realize just how smart I was this time around. It affirms the very detailed things I said to him about his behaviors – letting him know I was not just some stupid ignorant woman who didn’t see right through his crap!
I highly recommend this book to any woman who is single at any age. Let’s face it, single men cannot get away with what we do not let them pull on us. Much like the following quote: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt.
dating relationships the neglector
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
While I probably should not be reading his blog anymore I snuck a peek and here is what was learned from the other party:
"Romantically, one of the benefits of my new fitter body and healthier state has been a significant impact on my dating life, yet my focus has always been on the quantity and not the quality of relationships. While that has been exciting, I'm done with that for 2008 and intend to remain single for a while. Nothing inspires less desire for a new relationship than the ending of the last one, and I'm clearly not ready to make room for someone in my life just yet. "
While I completely and purposely omitted details about the ongoings in that relationship, one of them he alludes to in his post and so I will elaborate. While I had made it VERY clear that I was looking for monogomy and building a relationship and was promised this, far too late "in the game" I was told to my face that I would not be given either, in a very vulnerable moment. I was told that flirting was too important to him as well as many other things. Not too long after I decided I needed to get out of this relationship because there was no honesty or trust and I deserved better.
For the first time in my life I actually confronted the offending behavior in a calm manner and said exactly what I felt needed to be said. To my great shock, he sat there quietly as I ticked off:
- that it wasn't ok with me to tell me he would not offer monogamy after we began sleeping together
- that he had an obligation to state his intentions and wants from the first date, not weeks later
- that I would never stay in a relationship just for sex AND that as he pointed out I was a beautiful woman and I could have sex with my pick of partners and as a guy he could not and that is just the simple fact of the matter
- that I listened to his reasons for breaking up with long-term partners in the past and asked myself just as he did if he would make a good husband and father (his reasons I will not share but showed lack of character) and I did not feel he was marriage material, that I wanted my children to be able to show love freely and that I didn't think he could lead by example
- that I saw he had logged into his JDate account the Tuesday of that very week, the very night I was at his home providing a holistic service to him (that I normal charge a lot of money to my clients for) and that I put my blood sweat and tears into and that we seemed to have such a great time together that night and realized that nothing would make him happy enough to offer me a stable relationship, that I didn't think he had it in him even if we worked out some other issues which I am not going to continue listing in this post because I think you all get the drift and it seems he did too
Seeing in print his admittance of his desire for quantity and not quality is doubled edged of course. In a way of course it stings. But I also know that in no way was the lack of quality due to me. I made it clear when I realized what really was being given that I would take no part in it. And you have to give at least a kudos to him for realizing he is not ready to give it to anyone ...that he has some work to do on his own too.
I spent the last two years working on myself as I have mentioned in previous posts and I am ready for something more substantial. I have gone through many stages of thought after this relationship and I finally feel free! I feel ready. I have learned many lessons I never realized I had to learn and I am grateful that this man brought me the opportunity to learn with him so that I can bring a more evolved Lauren to the next and hopefully last and life-long relationship I have with a man.
and he also said this about me:
"Having recently met an extraordinarily faithful person, I'm in awe of what her beliefs provide her and wonder if I might find me some of that too if I were to actually start looking for it."
What more can I say? I am a person of faith and it was nice to see me described this way. I spoke about it often because I was asked about it often. I do not believe in imposing my views of faith on others. I do my best to lead by example. Perfect I ain't! But I try my very best.
I remember telling this man that "they" are screaming at him because he is making it hard for "them" to help him. I tried to explain listening to the messages we are all given every day. It is that little voice or gut feeling, some call it intuition, that you have always heard about that tells you to do something or not. Have you ever noticed when you don't listen things don't go so well for you? And when you do listen things just seem to go more smoothly?
The night before I broke up with him I asked for guidance just before I went to sleep. In my dreams I was given the following words to say, which I did, "I can't keep doing this with you, you just don't treat me right." I heard these words over and over and they were the first words and thoughts that came to me as I woke up. And I knew it had to be done, that I could not keep running from the inevitable.
Some people get their messages in their gut, others get a word that comes to mind and others get a song or song lyrics that guide them. All you have to do is listen. It is that simple. That is what I told him and now all of you.
I welcome your stories of listening to the messages you have received over the years...those strange, odd but uncanny stories in your life. Please share with me on the comments section of this post.
I hope you all had a wonderful visit from Santa and that no one was left coal!
Love, light, and peace.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Today in my favorite New York City paper, The New York Daily News is a very interesting article about how the modern day Santa came to be.
Here's the synopsis of what I read:
Initially Christmas was a combined celebration of the birth of Christ and the Roman celebration of the winter solstice. Those nutty little Puritans came along and outlawed all this celebration. It wasn't until 1660 that Christmas was celebrated again.
St. Nicholas is the patron saint of Amsterdam and the Dutch celebrate St. Nicholas Day on December 6. Much of Manhattan and other parts of New York State was established by the Dutch settlers. You will find many names of places with the suffix -kill in New York. A kill is a term for a body of water in Dutch.
The non-Dutch families decided that their children should not miss out on all the great gift giving and carried that tradition over to Christmas and started the tradition of giving gifts to their children on that holiday.
Later in New York City's history, when Jewish families from eastern Europe immigrated here, noticing how Christian families were giving gifts to their children at Christmas decided to add the tradition of gift giving on Chanukah.
It wasn't until 1821 that Santa rode a sleigh with reindeer. When Clement Clark Moore penned the famous poem " A Visit From St. Nick" he gave Santa eight reindeer.
Around this time merchants began the tradition of decorating their windows with holiday themes & toys to attract children in order to pull a the purse strings of their parents and the modern day Christmas as we know it today was created; right here in NYC!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness today. I plan on using the energies being given off by Jupiter to heal the hurts dished out to me as well as thrown back at the "offending" party.
Tonight and tomorrow I will be taking much needed time to meditate and work out the residual resentment which has had me walking around completely out of balance. I will be taking time to send only love to both parties and to clear the negative energy pathways that are still connecting us.
I can think of no better gift to give at this time of year than the gift of forgiveness to both of us.
What will you do during Jupiter's energetic boom?
Friday, December 21, 2007
But then I came home to my apartment and I had what I hope to be the final ICK BLECH YOU ARE THE MOST GROSS SKEVIE LYING MUST TOUCH EVERY WOMAN I CAN GET MY HANDS ON PIECE OF DIRT BLECHY I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER FELT SORRY FOR YOU moment I have needed to move past whatever it was that he and I had.
It might sound stupid to some of you but I have a strong feeling some of the woman reading can completely relate to this moment. The further we get away from the break up moment the more we have forgotten about the truth of this person and we start to feel a bit sad. But the universe has a funny way of giving you just what you need at just the right moment to catapult you to where you need to be to clear your doorway to make room for THE GOOD ONE TO COME ON IN!
BRING HIM OVER ALREADY!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
"When did we stop treating the other person how we wanted to be treated rather than getting pissed at them for not treating us the way we wanted to be treated? "
I don't know! I only know that I felt very pressured to always do the right thing, say the right thing and be the right person all the time. And it was too much pressure and too exhausting.
Over the last few weeks however, my thoughts have evolved from hurt and anger to regret and compassion. When I ended the "affair" I did it in such a way that I basically slammed a cement door in his face, leaving no room for a better time to say necessary things. I took that opportunity away from myself.
Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid.
India Arie has lyrics that say:
Don't make no mind about falling down
‘Cause it's when you're in that valley
You can see both sides more clearly
Come back to the middle
I now see both sides more clearly.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
How to Date Men: Dating Secrets from America's Top Matchmaker
by Janis Spindel
How to Marry a Fabulous Man
by Pari Livermore
I haven't bought the books so I can't give you my opinion on the content. So I ask if any of you have read the books or have friends that have read either book to please POST YOUR COMMENTS and let the rest of us know if they are worth buying.
Pari Livermore was on the Today show during the 10 o'clock hour eastern. I listened to what she had to say and it made sense to me. I realized I made some mistakes in the last situation from the start. I have never been a game player but I guess I have to learn as a means to an end.
My question to all of you is this: at what point does this silly crap get to stop? I let this man pursue me. I did my best putting him off with his extremely demanding ways. After a few dates don't I get to relax just a little with this stuff?
I've always heard that if a man wants to see you after three dates he is interested in you. So to the male readers of this blog I welcome your comments 10 fold. Please tell us what we should be seeing from men that will let us know that after three dates he is still interested in us. AND let us know what we should NOT do or say at this point ESPECIALLY if he is interested in us and we are still interested in him.
What are appropriate first and second date questions to be asked of us? I pose my question to you in this way because from the second and third date with the last guy I felt completely grilled. It felt like I was in a corporate interview only the questions were about defending my life. I was asked questions like, "What did you used to do? Why don't you do it anymore?" Was this a therapy session or a date is what I kept thinking. It felt like this man wanted to jump from step A to Z by the third time I saw him and that he was looking for weaknesses to disqualify me.
I wanted to talk about what he liked: hip-hop karaoke, star wars, any music or movies. I wanted to be sharing those activities with him and laughing together or sharing thoughts on those subjects together. You know, keeping it light and fun. Isn't that what it should be in the beginning and then you build to the rest of the stuff? Am I wrong about this?
Monday, December 17, 2007
I deserve someone who will respect me and make me feel good about myself... even in the face of disagreements
This wise mantra was posted today in the comment section. Please read the full comment. Although it was written to me I know it will apply to all of you who have been in a similar situation.
We (women) spend a lot of time upset and complaining about the hurt we feel from men that treat us this way. We need to realize that there is another way and that we alone can stop this pattern of emotional abuse by simply not getting involved with them!
Here is what Healthline says about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
(some of my experiences listed to show some real life examples)
A person with narcissistic personality disorder:
Reacts to criticism with feelings or rage, shame, or humiliation (I heard "I just have a short fuse")
Takes advantage of others to achieve own goals
Has feelings of self-importance (demanded via email and text my full attention, but if I asked via email or text where he was after hours of silence after I sent a questions via email or text I heard "I am not at your beck and call!)
Exaggerates achievements and talents
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love (could not go to dinner at certain places because HE had this or that type of food that week and it would not be healthy for his body...-- never asked me what I had, what I wanted, what would be best for me. The mere suggestion I would make was already interpreted as not understanding him and his needs. See why I left DTM post for the breakfast story which gives a clear example of fantasies about intelligence as well as ideal love ie: I'll love you if you do this but not that syndrome.)
Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
Requires constant attention and admiration (demanded before meeting him in person I tell him my last name and pouted and bullied me when I did not want to reveal this. did the same with asking me for more photos of myself before meeting. it was always tell me what I want to know or else. Upon the first date as I was being kissed and he had touched my hair, I was told "you don't want to touch my head?"...in other words I wasn't admiring him as he thought I should)
Lacks empathy (too many to list)
One important aspect of NPD that should be noted is that it does not prevent people from occupying, as well as aspiring to, positions of power, wealth, and prestige. Many people with NPD, as Kernberg's classification makes clear, are sufficiently talented to secure the credentials of success. In addition, narcissists' preoccupation with a well-packaged exterior means that they often develop an attractive and persuasive social manner. Many high-functioning narcissists are well liked by casual acquaintances and business associates who never get close enough to notice the emptiness or anger underneath the polished surface.
The signs were there. I have to accept responsibility for my part in ignoring them. I tried to tell myself that I was giving the benefit of the doubt.
I DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WILL RESPECT ME AND MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF...EVEN IN THE FACE OF DISAGREEMENTS
narcissist relationships dating narcissistic personality disorder emotionally unavailable men
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Many years ago I spent a year on my floor. This is no exaggeration! My heart and spirit were broke. I was tortured with thoughts about "what if". It was like listening to a broken tape player with no stop button.
I lost weight, I cried every day. I felt very very tortured. I cannot fully explain what it was like for me during this time. I can never recover that time. I can only let it teach me my lessons. Since that time I have turned towards spirituality. I don't always act in a spiritual way and I often get lost in the person I am spending time with. But I strive to be flexible with myself.
My local PBS station was showing Wayne Dyer lecturing about the Tao de Ching.
As I was watching Wayne Dyer on PBS today he quoted Emmerson:
"A foolish consistancy is the hobgoblin of little minds."
Wayne Dyer also quoted many verses in the Tao, one of them stuck out to me:
"Hidden in all the misfortune is good fortune."
If I had not lived through that dark time I would never have had the opportunity to see things as I do today. I would not have the openness to read authors such as Dr. Dyer, Caroline Myss, Marianne Williamson or even Elizabeth Gilbert. I know the last relationship as frustrating as it was will serve its lessons to me and show its purpose. It was the catalyst to start this blog. To have a place to list my thoughts and get them out of my head, good bad or ugly and allow my brain the place and space to recuperate and regenerate.
I sincerely hope that in reading and sharing my life that you can find the value in what I am sharing for yourself too.
depression relationships dating emotionally unavailable men
Friday, December 14, 2007
There are a few free sites online that will provide your Natal chart for you. As long as you know your birth date, time and location you are all set. The one I found that I like best is Astrolab. While you won't get a full chart, it will give you the meat of what you need to interpret yourself and others with good detail. If you want to get more information than they will give you for free, you can pay for a more in depth chart or buy special software. At the beginner level such as you and I, I don't think this is necessary.
When reading your Natal chart you will notice that there are 12 houses that divide what looks like a pizza pie. What falls in those houses determines many different aspects of your life and personality. The first thing to find is where each planet falls into your chart.
There are 18 planets in the Zodiac. This can be a confusing idea at first. Afterall we were taught in school that the planets are: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto, right?
In astrology there are ten more planets that affect how we live, act, feel and react in our life. In order the 18 are: Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, North Node, Ascendant, Midheaven, Ceres, Pallas, Juno, Vesta, and Chiron. We do not use Earth when charting in astrology because we live on that planet!
Each sign has a planet that rules that sign. We refer to this as the rulership. This means that that planet functions in its purest when it falls in that spot on the zodiac.
Aries - Mars
Taurus - Venus
Gemini - Mercury
Cancer - Moon
Leo - Sun
Virgo - Mercury
Libra - Venus
Scorpio - Pluto
Sagittarius - Jupiter
Capricorn - Saturn
Aquarius - Uranus
Pisces - Neptune
When looking at your specific chart, you may or may not find that your planet falls into the sign that it rules. However, if it does, this means that the traits of that planet will be at its best function for you.
Sun - is the core, light, warmth, penetrating light, central but not "all of it"
Moon- is where we are most secure, protection, wateriest, security, emotional, reflects sunlight
Mercury - airiest, exchange of ideas, information, thinker, trickster, manipulator
Venus - attraction, cohesion, beauty, love, art, music, attracts love, earthiest planet
Mars - vulnerable, puts itself out there, initiator, impulse, willful, dominates, activity oriented, motivates us, goes out there and gets it, imposes will, vulnerable
Jupiter - great benefactor, king of g-ds, about expansion, growth, airy planet, higher intellect, prosperity
Saturn - brings restriction, discipline, structure, form, represents father figure
Uranus - change, sudden change, rebellion, revolution, insight, inspiration
Neptune - illusion, disintergration, fuzziness, inspiration
Pluto - intensity, explosiveness, regenration, rebirth, transformation, levels everything and then regenerates
The core planets are what you should begin your focus when reading Natal charts. I will explain the outer planets in another lesson. Stay tuned.
For more information about Mark Zablocki's astrology class please contact him through I Am Books
Thursday, December 13, 2007
astrology relationships jdate
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Today In Repose had some very profound words to say about love. http://inrepose.typepad.com/in_repose_blog/2007/12/kind-words-from.html
friends relationships love
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
So this evening I got this response in my Jdate mailbox from a man who I sent a flirt to.
"For someone who thinks they have a great bottom, I only get a flirt? LOL! So what kind of job is I will tell you later?"
What should I write back? Any good suggestions? I Welcome all witty responses ASAP!!
jdate relationships dating
Monday, December 10, 2007
Barbara explains that she feels bitter seeing the polls that the site owner has put up. Believe you me, I am with ya on that one sista! But the truth is that men get away with bad behavior on a mass level because they can. "We" let them. And why is that?
So I have put together a counter poll for women. Not sure this is the solution but it will start the discussion, or at least I hope it does.
I welcome your comments and feedback on this one and you can email me off site if you feel so moved at firstname.lastname@example.org Unlike THAT site owner I won't set up an offensive email address such as email@example.com and then lecture you about your feelings, because I don't I believe that if you disagree with my views you are angry or wrong.
Before you put in your vote, let me be clear in that I fully understand how flawed this polling BS is. First the set-up assumes there is only one answer. Second, the answers are a short list of what the poller has decided are the answers, the only answers you can choose. Kind of silly and stupid if you ask me, but let's play his game and see where it might lead us.
I have found in writing the posts and re-reading them a few times, I am able to digest the lesson in them and release them. Before I started this blog they would rerun in my head, torturing me. So I am ever grateful to the invention of blogging for offering this to me and for those of you who come and read my blog and post comments and share in my process taking an interest in what I have to say.
So here I am thinking, how could I have found this person, who seemed to be just what I had been asking for, only to realize through not only my mind, but what was happening to my body, that this person was treating me in a toxic way, and that I would have to let go of him quickly? Although I always listened intently to his feelings I found myself completely confused as to why he was always angry about something with me, when I was paying close attention to his wants. My nerves were literally frayed. Days before I broke up with the bloke, I started to get stomach problems. And quite frankly I lost my “drive”…not a good sign for a 36 year old woman!
Basically in a nut shell, no pun intended, he was the kind of guy that designs his relationships by, “I’ll love you if you do this but not that.” (Quote from A Course in Miracles) And well if you don’t understand this women, then read this sentence over and over until you do…no self respecting woman should stay with a man who demands a relationship be had by you with him in this way. He is saying that your worth is based on what you do or think.
In a healthy relationship when one partner is not happy with something the other does, they communicate with each other telling them how it hurts them and then that person listens to what the other has to say, their reasoning or their apology. A discussion of the misunderstandings is had thereby clearing up the misunderstandings. This is normal. This has to happen. But this is different than “I’ll love you if you do this but not that!” The latter is tantamount to being a trained monkey and I am not a trained monkey. I am a smart, beautiful Jewish woman in her mid-thirties ready to meet the right man to be her life partner.
DTM wanted me to change instead of looking within. He didn’t understand that a woman can have a thought or opinion that has no reflection on him, what he felt or thought or did.
I remember the one and only breakfast we had together. Somehow the subject of organic foods came up. It appeared that we held the same views on healthy foods and organic products and I was thrilled. I was thinking we would be able to connect on this. I was thinking I will be able to agree with him and that will make him feel good. WRONG. The mere mention that in order to eat healthier I shop at Whole Foods invited anger in his response. It wasn’t a conversation and exchange of thoughts and ideas, but I had no idea. In his mind it was as if I contradicted him with the idea I had just expressed. I was verbally whipped when he let me know how I just didn’t get it because by the time all that food I buy at Whole Foods gets to me, the chemicals used to package everything and transport it to me has polluted everything, therefore making the organic food itself null and void!
I remember sitting there stunned. It wasn’t the information that stunned me, it was the delivery of it. The tone and the look on his face said, “How dare you say that to me!” And so I said nothing in return. Absolutely nothing.
In similar type conversations I had tried to speak with him about how it was hurting me. What I received in response was, “You don’t realize how you sound. THIS is how it lands for me.”
With this person, for whatever reason, it was always going to be my fault. The script in his head was too strong. It was painful to realize.
I love how Marianne Williamson says in her book, A Return to Love (p66) “Old Newtonian physics claimed that things have an objective reality separate from our perception of them. Quantum physics, and particularly Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, reveal that, as our perception of an object changes, the object itself literally changes…Thus, as A Course in Miracles says, our greatest tool for changing the world is our capacity to change our mind about the world.”
DTM had a certain perception of me and therefore that is what I was. It didn’t matter if I repeated word for word what he said, it would have been received as countering him and landing that way for him. No amount of me saying to him, “change the way you see things and the things you see change,” could help me or us. I wanted it to. But the further we got from the first date the worse his behavior towards me got.
Marianne Williamson writes on page 68 of A Return to Love, “Something that’s important to know about spiritual wisdom is that, when spoken at the wrong time, in the wrong place, or to the wrong person, the one who speaks sounds more like a fool than a wise one.”
friendster relationships dating
Sunday, December 9, 2007
I signed into a special yahoo email account I use when I want to contact men from Jdate who request to email me off site. I wanted to send email to a fellow I have plans to meet up with today and to my surprise I found an email from my most recent Jdate experience, Jason, waiting for me. Like Barbara I had already realized that there was no chemistry and frankly I found this man rude and crude. And to be honest I had forgotten all about him, including his name until I found the email this morning.
Here's how that date went from my perspective:
The initial meet and greet -- WOW he is nice looking, but looks totally Jewish (which I usually don't like.) And then he opened his mouth! My friend Amanda emailed me this when I told her about the date:
Reminds me of the Chris Rock joke: A woman has already decided whether she's going to sleep with you or not. All you have to do is KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!
We met at a restaurant near my home that happens to have betting available and there are little television screens at each table. I have met many a friend and date here and never has anyone been so interested in the television before. Therefore I didn't think I needed to pick another location just to ensure the attention of the date before me. It was a week ago yesterday that we met and apparently a Ranger's game was on. The screen was immediately turned to the game. I don't think we had been sitting for 1 minute before this happened.
Within five minutes he was answering his phone because it was a work call. And after this call he somehow thought it important to let me know FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, how important he was that he had no choice but to take that call. I found myself having to tell him I didn't want to continue that conversation, PLEASE!
Later on that date Jason started to ask me about what I do. Since I work in the health field as an advocate of sorts I mentioned things relating to that topic and about needing to be proactive when seeing a doctor. Jason let me know before the date he was recently diagnosed with some kind of pneumonia, which was not contagious, and so this topic was of course intriguing to him. Questions abounded and I happily participated in this conversation.
BUT THEN HE DID THE RAISED BY BABOONS THING! He started his sentence with, "I don't mean to be mean or hurtful..."
And he finished that sentence by saying, "You must be a doctor's worst nightmare! Have you ever been thrown out of a doctors office?"
OK now I need to back up a little and tell you that on some IM's we had before deciding to meet up (and we had a call as well) Jason told me about how his last girlfriend told him that he often said things that are innapropriate and he knows he has a problem with doing this.
So Jason and all the Jason clones out there I ask ya dudes, if you have been alerted to a behavior that isn't nice and you know it isn't nice, you concur it isn't nice and you admit it is a problem, why oh why do you keep doing it???
Before I post the email I found in my box today here are a few clips from our IM that you should know about. And I should also tell you that I never felt the need to save an IM exchange before this one. At the end of the IM he sent his cell phone number to me and in the interest of being lazy I used the AIM function of saving the conversation so I could get the digits later and enter them into my phone. And now I also find it is useful for me to write this blog post too! :-)
Lauren: well I sent email to your aol and yahoo but haven't heard a peep so I thought let me check one more time with IM
Jason: my ex and I had problems because I wasn't as forthcoming with compliments as I should be... something I have to work on
she thought I was too critical
so we had one huge fight and things were never the same after that
two months later, it was over
I'm a misunderstood soul.. I guess I have diffiulty expressing myself properly
I guess it sounds different in my head and comes out completely different than intended
I even admit that in my profile
Here's the email from Jason dated December 5:
Hey there!!! Sorry I never responded to your two e-mails.(written BEFORE we went out) I rarely check my Yahoo mail (and yet that is the account he gave me to write to) since I only use it as a back up (and for jokes). When you said you sent me e-mail, I never even thought to check my Yahoo account.(And yes.. I do have mail at AOL, not just IM.) Sorry for the confusion and not getting back to you.
I wanted to apologize for the interruption from my boss. After speaking with a few people over the past few days I figured out what the problem was: USER ERROR. Very typical problem in my profession but unfortunately I deal with many dim bulbs. To make it worse, people are afraid to speak in front of other people and I couldn't actually get the information I needed to help them.
And sorry for not e-mailing or calling sooner... I've been a bit overwhelmed the past few days in and out of the office.
I had a fun evening on Saturday and wanted to thank you for picking Austin's. I'm sorry if things were a bit uncomfortable at times and for allowing my mouth to keep running while the brain was playing catch up.I hope that you didn't walk home thinking to yourself, "I'm never going out on another JDate again." (YES JASON. You were my last ditch great hope for meeting my beshert. I give up because you represent all Jewish men so I will remain single, sexless and alone based on YOUR bad behavior on our date! GEEZE!) While I think you're a great person with a lot to offer, I just didn't get the sense that we'd be a great match. I think we could be friends and hang out (and you could probably teach me a thing or two) but we'd probably not be the best together for the long haul. (At least he got this part correct and didn't pull a Marc, gotta give him that!)
If you'd like to get together again as friends, that would be great but I'd understand if that's not what you're looking for.
Now I must admit I was a bit of a wuss and acting slightly like a male would when I ended the date saying I hadn't made up my mind, rather than just saying goodnight. BUT he stood there with the car door open thinking I would get in so he could drive me home. And when I told him no thanks I can walk home since I live so close, he just kind of stood there like a deer in headlights. So I said what I said. And walking home, which took all of five minutes, I yelled to the universe for putting another wad like that in my dating path. But after that five minutes I was done...until todays email.
As I end this post I will fill you in on the now non-date that was to happen with me today. I was set to have coffee with a fellow who contacted me on JDATE. After professing how he is very much not into games, and doesn't understand the women on JDATE who always seem to think there is someone better and he can't wait to get off JDATE, I sent an IM to him (as that is the only way I could contact him off site) to confirm our date. We were to meet in an hour and a half. I IM'D HIM!
He just wrote me back this: my family is at my mothers todays plans to meet you will have to change i hope some night this week
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????????????????????
jdate relationships dating
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Over at her fun blog she tells her story of Marc whom she met while trying online dating.
Where to begin the dissection of this email from Marc first?? Tsk Tsk!!!
I knew after our date that we mutually did not want to see each other again, it was pretty damn obvious. But he felt compelled to share this with me:
I hope I don't hurt your feelings, but I am looking for a lady who is thinner.
Your personality is very nice and I am sure you will find someone that meets
Good luck to you!
OK Marc and all the Marc clones out there let me start by making it clear, because apparently you were raised by baboons and not human parents that understood their role to teach you about the value of kindness or compassion and the difference between right and wrong. If you don't want to hurt someone's feelings then don't! If you can even begin writing a sentence saying those words or you are even thinking those words just plain common sense (which you obviously don't have) should tell you that what you are about to say is not nice and won't be received well.
Next, to all those reading this blog post, can you say NARCISSIST?
nar·cis·sism [nahr-suh-siz-em] 1.inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2.Psychoanalysis. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
Also, nar·cism [nahr-siz-uhm] [Origin: 1815–25; <>narcissus, -ism] —Related forms nar·cis·sist, narcist, noun nar·cis·sis·tic, nar·cis·tic, adjective
—Synonyms 1. self-centeredness, smugness, egocentrism.
You see, only in Marc's tiny pea brain head does the world exist where he writes Barbara for Barbara's sake. In Marc's little made up fantasy world he is doing this to be nice and kind and to let her know he won't be calling again so she won't pine away for him wondering why he didn't call her for a second date. She couldn't possibly have discerned this non-connection on her own because after all she is a fat girl, right? And he has heard all of our complaints about the men who never call again syndrome and he believes he is showing us he is not one of those men. He is being nice to fat girls unlike THOSE men, although he doesn't want to date us! He is correct, he is not one of THOSE men. He is the narcissist who is going to be honest with us because he was taught to always be honest.
Hey Marc and all you Marc clones out there: get a clue! The idea of being honest doesn't apply to your pathetic opinions. The world is not designed based on them. Being honest means not lying, stealing, cheating... it doesn't mean doing those things and then confessing to us when we have caught you red handed, how you didn't want to tell us because "I honestly knew it would hurt you to know what I was doing" or writing self-centered emails to us letting us down in the spirit of being honest.
HEY MARC! Fat girl doesn't equal stupid girl. You wrote that email in the pathetically infantile manner to somehow allieviate any guilt you had in being an A-1 first class jack-off pathetic excuse of a man...but at least you didn't just not call or write and that somehow makes you feel better than those men who we never hear from again.
So to all the men out there who feel compelled to write to us to break up, or just not have another date, if you must do it via email here is a form email you can use:
I enjoyed meeting you the other day. Thank you for such a positive online dating experience. Even though both of us did not feel that click we had hoped for I wanted to write to you to wish you well on your search.
Friday, December 7, 2007
The site is http://www.boundless.org/
I took the liberty of ammending the key values they outline slightly and here they are:
- Show some respect - if you are truly charming you will be respectful about all women and not make derrogatory remarks towards women you don't find physically attractive, your old girlfriends no matter how things ended etc..
- Be kind to everyone - we are watching how you treat other people, period. Arrogance towards the waiter or waitress etc... shows lack of character. If you think it is ok to be condescending to someone you aren't trying to get to like you, how will you treat me later on in the relationship once you "have me"?
- Be accountable for your actions - self explanitory
- Love your family - you don't have to have the best relationship with all your family members however, show that you have done all you can to work out your familial issues.
- Take initiative - it's your job to chase us. Sorry, not gonna be PC about this one!
- Take a Risk - walk up to the women you like and risk being shot down.
Have something to add to the list? Shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org
There are 12 signs in the zodiac. They are:
Your astrological sign, also known as your Sun sign, at the core will exhibit certain traits.
If you are born under the zodiac sign of Aries you are probably known for butting heads, charging forward, initializing, being impulsive, making things happen, being action oriented, being competitive, not being persistant. Your nature is to get something started.
**(If you find yourself attracted to Taurus' like I have been, it is probably because they are enormously passionate people. However, those of us who are not born into such a fixed sign forget that that passion will NOT translate over to our passions. If you choose to be with a Taurus you will probably have to resign yourself to only doing things with this person that they have decided they love and be left in the dust for anything that falls outside of those things. No amount of articles (research) or pleading will get your lover or friend to come on board with you and you will probably get the opposite of the desired result. They will not fall in love with the passion in you. Instead they will be angered by it and feel pushed.)
astrology relationships dating